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untouchable dvd

Untouchable; season 2006-07 review; Celtic FC DVD; 100 minutes; £14.99

Last year Celtic’ media department came very close to achieving the virtually impossible: make a 100 minute long film containing hardly anything but Celtic goals almost unwatchable. This year’s effort takes the same basic idea- a month by month digest of the season containing hardly anything but Celtic goals - and manages to deliver it in a much slicker format that at least won’t have you switching off before April.

Of course, there are some out there who will argue that the goals were just about the only highlights in a season where the level of entertainment on offer rarely rose above the mediocre (a fact not mentioned on the DVD). To labour the point, maybe a hundred minutes is overly generous in terms of time given over to the thrills of last season.

Before I’m accused of being a curmudgeon, I genuinely do appreciate the efforts of the players in winning the double. So much so that it would have been good to hear their thoughts on what it meant to them. If you’re looking for that on this DVD the don’t buy it. Two brief interviews, both of which look as if they were filmed on the same day after a training session, are all you get, one with JVoH, who does well in trying to answer the most banal of Celtic View style questions, and the other with Artur Boruc. Rather than bring along a Polish interpreter to let the goalie express himself more eloquently in his native language the film-makers have decided to do the interview in English. “Quite good,” is how he describes his save against Manchester United in the Champions League. I’m sure that if sure that if time was not so constraining we might have got to find out their favourite TV show or where they went on holiday.

If you want to know what Gordon Strachan thought about last season, look elsewhere. Ditto Neil Lennon, who is shown making his farewell speech to the crowd after the Aberdeen game - with the ‘sheepshaggers’ comment judiciously edited out - but for whose insight into his career at CP we’ll just have to either wait for his own DVD to come out or settle for his exclusive interview in the Daily Record. Naka on his goal at Kilmarnock? Evander Sno on making his first team debut? Thomas Gravesen on... er ... the importance of a healthy breakfast in a balanced diet? Nothing.

Come on, it’s an official release and the fans are being asked to part with fifteen quid. Get the finger out and demand some co-operation from the club’s employees.

Voiceover for this one is once again done by Archie MacPherson. It puzzles me why old Weetabix Heid gets so many of these Celtic gigs. Maybe the producers think that he lends a certain force to what is a stunningly dull script. He does some of the commentaries as well, so we get to hear him call AC Milan’s legendary defender ‘The Great Maldini’, which makes him sound as if he’s about to do some card tricks or saw somebody in half. I nominate Archie.

Apart from the goals in the Milan game we get to see the dodgy penalty decisions which we didn’t get. Strangely, we don’t get to see the SPL equivalents: Lennon at Ibrox, Gravesen at Love Street, JVoH at Pittodrie... the list goes on. It could be a DVD on its own.

Like its predecessor from last season this DVD commits other sins of omission. Despite Celtic TV having a healthy output of programmes featuring the youngsters and the reserves, neither rates a mention. There may be some great young talent emerging at Celtic Park, but they’ll have to get into the first team before we see them in action unless we subscribe to Setanta. Could these not even have been extras? (There aren’t any extras on this DVD - poor)

Altogether it’s a DVD that lacks any real depth without being out and out coaster material. If you just want to watch loads of Celtic goals flying in it’ll while away an hour or so as you get ready for the match.

MARMADUKE BAGLEHOLE

 

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