SPL Saturday October 4th

Rangers 0

Celtic 1

0:1 Hartson 46

Att: 49,825

MIB: Michael McCurry

Celtic:
Hedman
McNamara Sutton Varga
Agathe Miller Lennon Petrov Thompson
Hartson Larsson
subs
Gray for Thompson 24

Orcs: Stephan Klot, Clog More, Michael Bollocks, Minging Berg, Zura Geezalafatyi, Mikel Atitty, Peter Lovencrap, Michael Mulch, Nuno Muchgood, Shitty Arvaladze, Emersionheater subs: Maurice Loss, Eddie the Eagle Ostenstad

The armies of Mordor, rampant following a 1:1 draw in Greece against ten man Panathinaikos, greeted Celtic with a banner reading 'we welcome the chase'. They were still greeting 46 minutes later as the Ibrox Disloyal shuffled off towards their warrens, descending into the Govan sewers via the Ibrox tube station, chased by what looked like a cloud of flies.

This game was one for the connoisseur. The Cat in the Hat's litter Tray XI, all huff, puff and bluster, registered only a single shot on target and didn't bring a save out of Hedman. All this with a makeshift Celtic defence. The Hoops were in complete control. Balde didn't seem to be missed as Sutton and Varga snuffed out the Cloven hooves with consummate ease. Even Agathe got in on the act, acting as a surrogate right back and constantly denying Mols time and space to shoot.

It finished up a real 1:0 hiding. Only poor finishing and a couple of spawny saves by Klot kept the score down. The early loss of Thompson with a hamstring problem didn't faze the team. The introduction of Gray as the sub served to strengthen the side tactically as TFOD ran around like headless chickens.

The icing on the cake was Hartson's goal. Having squandered a couple of gilt-edged chances in the first 45, the second period might well have seen an Orc revival. It only took 18 seconds to stop that nonsense as Larsson released Hartson in the box to belt home a cross cum shot, which deflected off an Orc paw past Klot. Ironic isn't it, to be gubbed at home by the type of goal that so typified the Orcs smash and grabs of past seasons.

It was big pats on the back all round as OFM tactically spanked the Cat, and rubbed his nose in the litter tray. Following his new five year deal Mc Leish looks like he has a long way to go with what was the most miserable mob of Orcs in recent history.

Special mention has to go to Capucho, who looks to possess all the threat of a soggy cardboard knife. The Cat obviously has an eye for a player and so the introduction of Ostenstad was met with similar derision to that previously reserved for Capucho. Desperate for a laugh, we were not to be disappointed. In Ostenstad, Eck has unearthed a rare gem of footballing ineptitude, who has fallen out of the ugly tree many times, hitting every branch twice on the way down. It won't be long before he joins the ranks of such immortals as Van Vossen, Bo Andersen and Jan Bartram.

Ah I can see this being some season.