Scottish Cup semi-final Saturday March 23rd

Celtic 3

Ayr United 0

1:0 Larsson (49); 2:0 Thompson (81); 3:0 Thompson (87)

Att: 26,744

MIB: Stuart Dougal

Celtic: Douglas; Mjallby, Balde, Crainey; Agathe, Lennon, Lambert, Petrov (McNamara), Guppy (Thompson); Hartson, Larsson

Horror show at Hampden. On a pitch looking like it had been dug up by Charlie Dimmock and sporting a bigger set of tits, around 20,000 hardy souls suffered mercilessly.

In a first half that saw little of note from Celtic, with the exception of a save from Rab D and a duff shot from Hartson, Ayr almost nabbed a goal before the break, when Bobo allowed Grady to steal in to shoot beyond Douglas. The relief, as the ball went wide of the post was almost post-coital in its intensity.

Shortly after the restart things looked as if they were going from bad to worse, as Larsson headed wide a sitter from all of six yards out. Eventually, Agathe responded to verbal intimidation from OFM and sprinted clear of the Ayrhire ploughboys to cross for Larsson, who duly netted Celtic's opener.

Ayr responded quickly as the Sieve sat back on its laurels, with Robertson coming close and Grady hitting the bar. It took a Thompson 30 yard free kick to see off the contenders who then had salt rubbed in their wounds as Thomo scored a third from equally long range.

We are in the final, but suffered to get there, none more so than yours truly, who had to sit beside the Druggie CSC. Displaying the eloquence and grace bequeathed by a heady cocktail of narcotics and a steady flow of Buckfast, their sectarian outpourings were ignored by Stewards and Police, even when one nimble numpty, attempting to stand on his hind legs, fell over comatose, splitting his napper in the process. Only when an Asian steward was called Ossama and an Afghani, did Plod move in. Talk about giving football a bad name!