letters99

Euro sceptic

Dear NTV,

Now that the season is shaping up as normal, no doubt The Blessed Martin will be reflecting on one or two matters, e.g. the team is obviously good enough for domestic purposes but needs strengthening for Europe, and some people - Joos and Neil - need reminding of how to behave in the Big Boys Playground. I expect he will also be contemplating how to replace Lubo Moravcik and Paul Lambert.

We must be realistic about Europe. We will do better next season provided we sign another four top class players, but we can forget about a British/ Atlantic/ Phoenix League; even if it did happen at some time in the future, would it guarantee us a European place?

The TV money won't last for ever but the European competitions will. We should also be very wary about going along with David Murray's fantasies and let him muck out his own byre.

There are still atavistic elements in the SFA who would love to get rid of Celtic from Scottish football at any price but I think we should focus on the Scottish set up and back a two division league of 18 teams each. While we're at it, the Mickey Mouse clubs should be forced to merge. I've seen bigger crowds at poetry readings.

Buying Wimbledon or QPR or ground sharing with one of the English teams might seem attractive as a way of playing in their league and therefore stuffing the Biscuit Tin with TV money. But UEFA just wouldn't stand for it, and could we turn in a Man United, Juventus or Valencia performance every week? That's what it would take to be successful.

I want to see Celtic in more big games but we have to guarantee access to Europe by remaining a Glasgow club playing in a reformed Scottish League, winning league titles then doing the business in Europe after Santa has gone back to Lapland.

Yours in (numberless) Hoops,
PROF. JOCK TREATMENT,
London

Crackerjoke

Dear NTV,

Christmas cracker joke time has just past, and who better a recipient than the Basher of Bothwell Bridge.

It's Boxing Day and all the Rangers players are talking about what gifts they received. Basher asks Bert Konterman what he got and Bert replies that he got a flask. "A flask?" says Barry. "What's that?"

"Well", says Bert, "It's a container that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"That's the dug's bollocks by the way Bertie boy. I think I'll get wan."

A week later and Bert sees Barry with the flask and goes over to him. "Ah Barry, I see you got yourself a flask. What's in it today?"

"Some of ma maw's chicken soup and a choc ice."

Here's to two in a row (trebles that is),

JOHN ALLAN
Airdrie

Where are they now?

Dear NTV,

I was interested to read about the disgraceful antics of former Celtic player Andy Payton in NTV 98. For those of your readers who like to keep track of such things here's an update on another of our former favourites, Phil "Sick Note" O'Donnell.

It will doubtless come as a shock to learn that Phil has sadly been an almost permanent fixture in the Sheffield Wednesday treatment room since his transfer from the Hoops in 1999. Out of action for the best part of two seasons through injury, he finally made his first start of this campaign against Wolves in November in an unfamiliar left-back role. Indeed there was a little bit of history made that afternoon; it was the first time that both O'Donnell and Simon Donnelly had completed 90 minutes in the same Wednesday team since they signed for the sleeping Yorkshire Puddings (surely Giants? ed).

He has now made 10 appearances in the Sheffield Wednesday first team this season and has scored one goal. Nonetheless, I can't help thinking we definitely got the better of that particular deal.

Yours in the Hoops,

ANDY McKAY
Dundee

stage name

Dear NTV,

I know you go on about referees a lot in less than complimentary terms, so why not try to persuade the SPL to recruit this guy who refereed the Frickley v Runcorn match in the English lower leagues, or do you think B.Coward (Clown) is just his stage name?

Yours in Fair Play,

A.MASON
(Arsehole)

Lennon Test

Dear NTV,

I would be the first to concede that among the Celtic support there are some people you wouldn't want to adopt. I would also argue that, relatively speaking, the numbers among our lunatic fringe are small. What is beginning to piss me right off, in the middle of all this talk about Celtic going to play in another league, is the way some supporters of other clubs have been queueing up to welcome the prospect of us leaving Scottish football as a good thing on the grounds that they won't have to put up with mindless bigots from Celtic invading their stadiums and terrorising their family clubs.

Anyone who has ever travelled to Celtic away games will be well aware of which clubs are not shy when it comes to assaulting our eardrums with medleys from "The Best Rangers Album In The World... Ever!" The most popular excuse for this kind of behaviour I have heard first hand or read in the letters section of the Scotland on Sunday is that they only do this to wind up the Celtic fans, the implication being that they do the same when the Huns come to town (what they sing to the Rangers supporters isn't exactly clear but I think they'd have to think of something pretty tasty on the rebel song front to match the Billy Boys or the Sash).

Now, forgive me for being sceptical, but I don't really buy this line at all. I am also aware that my suggestion that perhaps supporters of these family clubs might well be slightly dysfunctional is difficult to quantify. But I believe I have found a barometer of bigotry which we can use in grounds across the country to see if we can establish who really are the Cousins of William.

If you'll pardon my mixing of metaphors, my human litmus paper would be none other than our own Neil Lennon. The acid test would be to see what happens when he turns out for Celtic against the other teams in the SPL. If the sight of him induces foaming at the mouth and a cacophany of vitriol and booing from the home support then they are clearly well populated with bigots, because given that Lennon is hardly the most prolific goalscorer in the Celtic team, nor indeed the dirtiest player (only four bookings all season and one of them was because the linesman didn't like the way Lennon was looking at him!) there can be no other explanation for the abuse he gets from supporters of other teams.

As far as volume and longevity goes, apart from the obvious, I'd nominate Hearts as the front runners, which is probably what you'd expect from them. But I think honourable mentions must go to Family Club Motherwell and Family Club Kilmarnock who have both registered quite highly on the Lennon scale during recent games.

I'd be interested if any of your readers have nominations of their own. The idea peddled in some quarters that Scotland would instantly become a bigot-free zone if Celtic disappeared is plainly absurd. As for the wankers who were racially abusing Momo Sylla at Family Club St. Johnstone... don't get me started!

Yours in Celtic,
W. TAGGART
Glasgow