letters96

Barnes storming

Dear NTV,

Naturally I am delighted at having to rush home from the midweek European matches in order to catch the Champions League highlights show on STV, even if I do get the yips whenever I see the Ghost of Cup Ties Past in the studio as a member of the panel of 'experts'.

John Barnes would appear to be like one of these highly paid executives who walk into highly paid directorships with top companies, promptly make a complete balls of it and are then put out to grass at further considerable expense to the shareholders.

It was interesting what Barnes said when he got the job at ITV; "I am concentrating firmly on television at the moment. I am not looking to go back into management and no clubs have approached me to be their coach."

Does this mean that up until now he has been looking to get back into football management? On the strength of his record at Celtic Park he'll be lucky if he gets a club approaching him to drive their coach never mind be their coach.

In the same article, which is from the Daily Express (I don't read it, the budgie needed something for the bottom of its cage... honest!) a spokesman for ITV Sport said, "John is considered to be one of the best football experts on television." Hold on, I'll just move this ornament out of the way.

He also went on, "If any club makes a bid for John (form an orderly queue please!) we will sit down and talk to them."

I wonder if the phrase Inverness Calley will crop up during the course of the conversation?

Yours in complete trust of the experts,

CAPTAIN EDWARD J SMITH
RMS Titanic

Shafted

Dear NTV,

Speaking of lookalikes, which we weren't, no doubt you've noticed the fact that Bobo Balde looks a lot like Samuel L. Jackson, star of Pulp Fiction and the remake of Shaft.

So, should our preferred chant be "get Medieval On His Ass" or should we all just learn the Shaft theme song? Cue wah wah guitars - "He's a bad mutha... shut your mouth." Decisions decisions.

Yours in (numberless) Hoops,

PROFESSOR JOCK TREATMENT
Euphoric State University

German Helmut

Dear NTV,

Once again Mr. Helmut Krug had another disgraceful performance while refereeing the Juventus v Celtic match in Turin. It might interest your readers to know that FC Bayern Munich General Manager Uli Hoeness said years ago that the club would refuse to play under the refereeing of Mr. Krug and he did not referee a Bayern game for over a year! It's not just in Scotland that refs like Hugh Dallas are allowed the freedom of the football pitches. I don't understand why the DFB and UEFA still count on him.

Never mind, there's plenty of matches left. Good luck!

Yours in Celtic,

GUNTER HOFMEISTER
Munich

A Doctor Writes

Dear NTV,

Following the correspondence in NTV 95 regarding Castle Greyskull, I think it's more appropriate to refer to Ibrox as the Death Star: you know, big, dark and full of evil potential!

Yours in Celtic,

DR. DONNELLY
Edinburgh