letters 101

united front

Dear NTV,

Season over, Lubo off to Japan and now the fans and shareholders need to know what Desmondo and the Coolmore Mafia are up to. Never mind the chat at Dunbarney - what's happening about the premiership, the Nationwide, the Phoenix League, the Atlantic League or the Euro Super League??

In May, a Manchester United director told 5 Live that they made £19 million profit from Europe in season 200-2001. If Celtic could do that, or even, say, make £20 million over three seasons, what would that do for the debt figure?

While we're on the subject, is there any chance of a united shareholders front to advise Desmondo that, yes, we do want Celtic to be a big European club, but that the way forward is by being successful on the pitch, preferably in the Champions League. We cannot afford to jeopardise our access to European competitions (namely the SPL) by pissing off the Mickey Mouse outfits. Celtic is more than a brand or a profit opportunity.

Even if Desmond can't be outvoted, surely he'll be taking advice and wouldn't be listening to the likes of Bradford City Chairman Geoffrey Richmond. Would he??

Final thought. Never mind Neil Lennon masks. What about Bobo's performance in 'Attack of the Clones'? What about a sponsorship from George Lucas? Oh yes, the Force is with us. Bobo's gonnae get ye!

Yours in (numberless) hoops,
PROF. JOCK TREATMENT
Euphoric State University

celtic thugs?

Dear NTV, Anyone who goes through the regular torture of scanning the pages of Scotland's tabloid rags will be familiar with the staunch defence and exonoration of various Hun thugs last season after violence erupted at Pittodrie, Ibrox and Rotterdam. Various excuses were offered, the chief one being that these thugs were all English. Even so (although this was later proved to be untrue in defiance of the Daily Ranger and co.), the question of why English neo-nazi hooligans seem to find themselves such a kindred spirit amongst the Hunnic hordes has, unsurprisingly, never surfaced anywhere in the Scottish media.

With the various tabloid rags lobbying for an Old Firm move to England, you might have thought the Celtic support might have received similar sympathetic treatment in the run up to the end of season friendly with Leeds United. Not a bit of it. 'Vile soccer thugs are threatening to wreck the summer with an orgy of violence' announced the News of the Lodge (5/5/2002). 'Now nuts from the recently revived Celtic Soccer Crew have warned there is more bloodshed ahead'.

The made up pish continued 'One member of the vicious gang said "We're going to see a lot more trouble. It'll be a return to the bad old days". Answers on a postcard please as to when exactly the "bad old days" of Celtic soccer casual violence took place. There have hardly even been any Celts arrested at European ties or on trips to England in living memory.

Dire consequences were predicted in the build up to the game with a quote from 'One member of the vicious gang'; "We're throwing down the gauntlet to all the other clubs'".

So the nasty Celtic fans aren't just threatening English fans but, one can only assume, salt of the earth followers of the other SPL clubs. 'The thugs plan to travel south on Tuesday for Celtic's game against Leeds. The testimonial for Gary kelly is being used as an excuse for CSC (so-called Celtic Soccer Crew) yobs to battle English soccer casuals.'

Even by Laptop Loyal standards it beggars belief to compare these reports with those in the build up to the Huns UEFA Cup tie with Feyenoord in February. However the News of the Lodge did go on to let slip that the Huns had predictably managed to disgrace themselves on a trip to England a few weeks before with a story that - you will not be surprised to learn - was not deemed worthy of a mention in the Daily Ranger, Scottish Hun or Sunday Mason : 'Police fear a repeat of last Sunday's violence when a testimonial game between Rangers and Bradford was marred by running battles between rival fans. Police arrested 42 Scots as a series of bloody skirmishes erupted in side streets and pubs around Bradford. Rangers fans even turned on each other at one point as they squabbled over who had the right to lead the army of barmy blues.'

Bet you're sick of reading that in the Daily Ranger? And who was the News of the Lodge reporter predicting this orgy of Timmite -instigated violence? None other than a certain Craig Jackson. Any relation?

Most likely a brother of sorts, through handshake if not blood.

TONY BANANAS
by e-mail

100 not out

Dear NTV,

First of all, congrats and thanks for the ton not out. I am forty years old and saw my first Celtic game when I was four years old (cheers, da) and like most Bhoys the magic has, and never will, diminish with age. If anything it gets more intense. I was lucky enough to have seen the Lions and the Nine as well as some of the finest players ever to grace the turf.

However, the main reason I'm writing is to thank you for the 'zine. I well remember the baptism of NTV and as far as I recall it was the first fanzine of its kind that received any kind of decent media coverage ('Halfway To Paradise') and through the bad times (the old board etc.) one of the main reasons that kept me going to Celtic Park - apart from a deep love for the club - was NTV. I had given up on the View and the programme years before and at last I found something that told it the way it should be. I have kept every issue since and like nothing better than reading it cover to cover after the game over a few beers.

In my opinion NTV takes great credit for the old board being shunted and I'll never forget the joy I felt the day they left, nor indeed the hangover the next day! I could go on about past issues you have highlighted over the years (Jock Brown, the media, the SFA etc.) but I know you need the space so I'll finish by simply saying thanks for cheering up many a gloomy day.

All the best,
THE HAMPDEN BUNNYMAN,
Glasgow