Celts on 45 (part 2)

With the release of Celtic's latest attempt to beat the music world into submission (see reviews), Marmaduke Baglehole looks back at some of the club's past offerings. Part 2 looks at some of the more offbeat (in some cases quite literally) unofficial recordings which used to grace the stalls of the Barras.

Celtic's glory years of the Sixties and Seventies brought the club unprecedented success and world renown. In order to cash in on this phenomenon, the fledgling Celtic commercial enterprises division, operating from a wee office above the bookies in Renfrew Street, were using the Celtic brand name to endorse everything from carpets to cigarettes (no kidding - 20 Celtic tabs for 1/6d!) In the wake of this official entrepreneurial initiative the men with the parrots on their shoulders and the peg legs were not long in sailing into view. It wasn't long before the pirates spotted a potential market for Celtic albums.

One of the first off the starting blocks were The Coatbridge Accordion Band of Glasgow, best remembered -if at all - as the ensemble which had accompanied the team lorry on its lap of honour around the Parkhead track when the Lions made their triumphal return from Lisbon. The fans were making so much noise that evening that nobody could actually hear a note the Coatbridge Accordion Band of Glasgow were playing. Their album, entitled 'Celtic Boys Hurrah', released in 1968, served only to make those present at the live gig appreciate how lucky they were.

However, the Coatbridge Boys' record soon found itself vying for browser space with another classic of its genre released the same year. 'The Holy Ground of Glasgow Celtic' was performed by a combo calling itself The Green and White Brigade. No names were mentioned on the sleeve notes (although I seriously suspect that some of the aforementioned Coatbridge Accordion Boys might well have been press-ganged into service for this musical extravaganza) but musical arrangements on such numbers as 'Celtic The Team' and 'Hail Hail The Celts Are Here' were accredited to somebody with the exotic handle of 'Sigmund'. Freud of that ilk would have had a field day.

The tracks themselves are pretty standard renditions of old favourites, but Sigmund really comes into his own when the Brigade launch into their medleys, one of which includes 'Kelly's The Boy', 'Feed The Bear' and 'We're All Off To Dublin'. James Last eat your heart out!

For sheer audacity nothing can surpass a double album entitled 'Celtic And Proud Of It', released in 1970 (it should really have been held in custody). The names of the artistes involved have been lost to us, but that's maybe just as well because this album makes The Holy Ground of Glasgow Celtic sound like Sergeant Pepper by comparison. Unlike other recordings, all the tracks on this album are originals. The person, or persons, responsible for writing them must have been on fiercely hallucinogenic substances at the time, for not even the most diehard traditionalist could listen to this spine-twistingly embarrassing drivel without doubting the sanity of the composer.

The first track contains plenty of hints regarding the quality of the whole album. 'Why I Follow Celtic' contains the refrain: 1-2-3, Celtic for me, Not a team in the world like the Celtic Which sets the tone for a lot of the nonsense to come.

With a track listing which includes 'Celtic 4 Rangers 0', Our Famous Celtic Team', 'Celtic Is The Name' and 'The Flags Are Out For Celtic' it's easy to conclude that here is a writer that desperately wants us to believe he is a Celtic supporter and not just somebody trying to cash in on the pirate souvenir market. Suspicions are further aroused when two tunes drop like neutron bombs right into the middle of the album. The first is called 'Big Jock, Manager of Celtic' (you don't have to have the word 'Celtic' in every title, but it helps). Incredibly, the tune is 'The Billy Boys': Come on, big Jock We'll hit this team for six. Come on, big Jock For you know all the tricks. We'll beat them all around the field We'll really have a go. Big Jock, manager of Celtic. The song goes on to recount how Jock came down from Aberdeen to become Celtic's manager, which came as news to me since the only connection I was aware of between Jock Stein and Aberdeen (other than the obvious rhyming possibilities) was the regular thrashings his team used to dish out to the Sheepies.

This track is only surpassed by a ditty called 'Celtic - The Bhoys'. These surrealist lyrics go to the tune of The Sash (I kid you not!): Jimmy Johnstone, he's a fine wee lad, Not forgetting Bertie Auld. May all, wherever, please forgive, The nasty names we call.

The title track of the album is final and conclusive proof of the insanity of those responsible for it. 'Celtic And Proud Of It' is a duet which features a youngster quizzing his grandfather about the exploits of the Celts of old. It is a poignant ballad performed by two complete weirdos. As the 'boy' sings the choruses, the grandfather chips in with a succession of soliloquies quite stunning in their abject banality. Take, for example, old pop's ruminations on the great Jimmy Quinn: One of the greatest sights you could want to see was Jimmy Quinn heading for goal and firing in one of his unstoppable shots. He was a big, broad lad and there were some said he was rough and he came in for all sorts of abuse... But when you can't stop a man you have to find some sort of an excuse...

He later goes on to say that, 'It would take months, maybe years to talk about it.' Believe me, two minutes of this would sap your will to live. For sheer cheek it's the double album of the century!

MANFRED LURKER

 

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