Can we have the next contestant please...

The swiftness of Dick's demise probably spared us some of the worst of the inevitable kite-flying on the subject of who would be his immediate successor. But it was comforting to know that when it came to spouting forth on the new manager that Mark "Scoop" Guidi of the Sunday Mail would be right at the forefront spearheading the forward march of the meisters of mince.

By Sunday December 9th Scoop had narrowed it down to a head to head between Big Eck and wee Bertie - Vogts that is, not Auld, although over at the Death Star these days anything is possible. The Mail's answer to Jimmy Olsen sharpened his crayon and got to work on running the rule over both of the candidates' credentials for taking over the smouldering hotseat in the Blue Room.

"German legend Bertie Vogts has joined Hibs boss Alex McLeish at the top of Rangers wanted list", he breathlessly informed us.

So, these two were at the top of the list, which implies that as far as somebody at Ibrox was concerned they must have had equal qualifications for the job. Allow Scoop to elucidate: "Vogts, who led his homeland to victory in Euro '96, has been asked by an Ibrox official if he would consider taking over from Dick Advocaat... It's understood he is keen and is now in the frame... Sources close to Vogts claim there has been contact and he is up for the challenge of restoring Gers supremacy and making an impact in Europe."

Any Teds reading the Mail's back page must have been drooling with anticipation at the thought of a European Championship winner coming to take over. Together with their normal, everyday drooling, there must have been a whole lot of drooling going on that Sunday morning.

However, to soften the inevitable blow it was necessary to find some lavish praise for big Eck; to trawl through the CV of Scotland's most up and coming manager and find something to put alongside Euro '96 to make it at least seem as if here were two candidates of equal merit.

"McLeish gave the Old Firm a real fright in last year's championship race last season before steering the Hibees into third spot." How much of a fright he gave Rangers might depend on how scary they found his famous "Scream" impression (see mail back cover above).

As for Celtic, try reading this next bit in your best Martin O'Neill voice: "No, Hibs gave us a real fright last season, a real fright, I really mean that. When it was getting to the last few weeks of the season and I saw they were only 31 points behind us I thought they were really going to catch us."

Not very scary, I'm sure you'd admit.

Regardless of that, there must have been a host of bigger clubs that Hibs beating a path to big Eck's door trying to persuade him to take on a bigger challenge that running Celtic to within 31 points of the title?

"Big Eck was first choice for the Barnsley job last month but ruled himself out."

Wow! But if you think that's impressive, wait, there's more. "Moves to West Ham and Southampton also failed to materialise."

So, a whole host of clubs have, er, not been chasing him. Never mind. If the thought of big Eck becoming manager was starting to become a nagging worry, Scoop slipped in some reassurance at the end of his article. "It's understood that George Graham and George Burley are also on the shortlist drawn up by Ibrox chiefs."

Alas, they were destined to stand in the wings like the Ugly Sisters as big Eck, the man rejected by Barnsley, swished down the marble staircase for his debut press conference in tiara and sash (Miss Broken Nose 1983) on the arm of Baron Hardup at the epicentre of Zonkonia, while kindly old Buttons Advocaat smiled on in his own inimitable fatherly way.

Bertie Vogts "is understood" to be at home under heavy sedation being comforted by sources close to him. Celtic fans everywhere are laughing like drains.

HACKWATCHER

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