hackwatching

hackwatch awards 2009

THE ‘HELP ME GET THE REMOTE OUT OF THE TELLY SCREEN’ Award for the TV football pundit most likely to have you tuning in to the QVC Shopping Channel.

No shortage of nominations for this award, and with the likes of Craig Paterson (a man with the perfect face for radio) getting a spot on the idiot box these days it’s no wonder we were spoilt for choice. Graeme Souness can’t hide his loathing for Celtic whenever he appears on Sky so he was well worthy of the votes he received, but in the end the prize goes to Scott Booth with nearly a quarter of the popular vote. Booth fought off challenges from James Traynor and Billy Dodds. Setanta have the achieved the near impossible by replacing Jock Brown and Craig Burley with someone even worse.

Dishonourable mentions: Gordon Smith, Mark Er Um Hateley, Hugh Keevins, David Leggat, Dougie Donnelly, Terry Butcher and Chick Young.

THE ‘MARCONI YOU BASTARD’ award for the radio pundit who you think has done most to hammer a few nails into the coffin of that particular medium.

The early leaders for this award were James Traynor - the Airdrie fan who seems to echo quite a lot of David Murray’s views on things - Ewan Cameron, whose drivel on Real Radio resulted in him having to apologise to Martin O’Neill a few years ago and Derek Johnstone, the affable Hun whose voice timbre reaches frequencies only decipherable by dogs and bats when he gets over-excited, which is whenever a caller comes on criticising David Murray. Nevertheless they were all gazumped by the nazal whine of Hugh Keevins, sensationally bringing the dwindling band of Radio Clyde listeners all the latest disasters to befall Celtic on a daily basis.
Dishonourable mentions: Tam Cowan, Alex Rae, Charlie Nicholas and Chick Young.

THE ‘FFS MELT HIM DOWN FOR GLUE’ award for the football pundit who has most outstayed his welcome.

If ever there was anybody in Scottish football who has overstayed their welcome it is Gerry McNee, but remarkably he was was beaten into second place for this award by Chick Young.
Ready for the knackers yard along with Chick and Gerry, according to our readers: Gordon Waddlel, Derek Johnstone, Keith Jangle Jacksie, Craig Burley, Alan Rough, Hugh Keevins, James Traynor, Mark Hateley and the repugnant Bill Leckie. By Christ you have to be honking to come out ahead of that lot.

THE ‘JIMMY OLSEN’ award for the pundit who has come away with the widest off the mark story.

Swoop Guidi was not to be out-swooped in a category he has almost made his own, but he ended up tying for the award with Keith Jangle Jacksie, another hack whose copy can often be found in your public library in the children’s fiction section.
Dishonourable mentions: The loathsome Bill Leckie, James Traynor, Chick Young Derek Johnstone and everybody called Darryl who works for a Scottish newspaper.

THE WINALOT FOR LIFE achievement award for services to Rangers (any medium).

Spoilt for choice here as well, with the likes of Colin Duncan, Guidi, Hateley, Leckie, McInnes and the Darryls all trying to jostle into position round the bowl. But according to our readers, by quite a distance, the hack who most deserves that second helping of Winalot is Chick Young. 10 in a row for Chick in this category.

THE ‘PASS ME THE AQUALUNG’ award for the hack furthest up David Murray’s rectum.

So many to choose from. How crowded it must get up there inside David Murray’s sphincter. First you have to squeeze past all the Darryls, then David Leggat, then Mark Hateley, Traynor and too many others to mention in such a limited space. Eventually, though, you will find Chick Young, Rangers’ own embedded reporter. Embedded so far up there you can only see the soles of his shoes. Another award for Chick and a tribute both to his ubiquity in this country’s hopelessly incestuous media and his unstinting devotion to the cause of Rangers. What a guy.

The ‘UNCLE TIM’ award for the pundit who should be on our side but has taken the shilling.

Charlie Nicholas is quite simply out on his own by a mile in this category. Was it the famine joke caught on camera at half-time during the Chams League game with your pal Jim White Charlie?
Dishonourable mentions: mercifully few nominations for Andy walker and Davie Provan, slightly more for Murdo MacLeod, considerably more for Peter Martin/ Maguire and Ned Flanders.

The ‘BEST OF A BAD BUNCH’ Award.

Once again this goes to Graeme Speirs, although with some of his recent efforts it won’t be too long before he’s sniffing around the Winalot and jostling for the aqualung.

Honourable mentions: Richard Gordon, Tom Shields, Andy Walker, John Hartson, Davie Provan, Tosh McKinlay and Glen Gibbons. And just to prove there’s no accounting for taste, James Traynor got a nomination as well.
The only category, incidentally, that the name Chick Young didn’t appear in.

More paranoid ranting available at www.celticparanoia.blogspot.com

 

TONY BANANAS & HACKWATCHER