hackwatching

An Apology from Celtic F.C. To the Laptop Loyal

With the Champions League tie against Barcelona on the horizon, it seems only fitting that we should acknowledge the opinion of Keith Jackson and others in the Laptop Loyal and offer some profuse apologies on behalf of Celtic for having the temerity to be the first Scottish club to achieve back to back qualification from the group stage.

Our achievement is not, in fact, valid because a number of fundamental football principles were ignored. Among
these infractions, the most serious ones were: -

1. SOME OF CELTIC’S OPPONENTS MADE DEFENSIVE MISTAKES OR GOALKEEPING ERRORS WHICH CELTIC EXPLOITED TO SCORE
GOALS.

Celtic FC now accepts that it is unsporting to apply
pressure on their opponents in the hope of capitalising on mistakes at some point in the course of a 90-minute match. The club had previously regarded this as a valid approach to creating scoring opportunities. Celtic FC apologises for this tactic and will never again try to benefit from their opponents’ inability to handle this pressure.

2. CELTIC’S HAUL OF NINE POINTS FROM THREE MATCHES IS NULL AND VOID BECAUSE ALL THE POINTS WERE SECURED FROM
HOME WINS.

Celtic FC had previously been unaware of this rule and
begs forgiveness for only recently discovering that
seven points is better than nine if some of the seven
points were won away from home. Celtic FC regrets this
oversight.

3. LATE GOALS DO NOT COUNT.

Celtic FC is at fault for believing that a goal scored
towards the end of the game is worth the same as a
goal scored at any other time. Had the club realised this, there would have been no need to feel any dismay
after conceding a late goal to Benfica in Lisbon and
Celtic FC now apologise for an inappropriate reaction to what has turned out to be a 0-0 draw.

4. GOALS DO NOT COUNT IF THE BALL IS DEFLECTED INTO
THE NET.

It can now be admitted that some of the club’s
employees are in the habit of shooting towards goal
before the opposing defenders have had a chance to get
out of the way and this unsporting practice can make
it difficult for the goalkeeper to read the flight of the ball. This is a reprehensible tactic and Celtic FC undertakes to forbid its application forthwith. Henceforth, no Celtic player will be allowed to direct
the ball goalwards if there is any danger of a goal
resulting from a deflection.

5. CELTIC HAD SOME LUCKY BREAKS IN QUALIFYING.

Admittedly, Celtic were very fortunate that Shaktar
didn’t take more advantage of their special dispensation to be allowed to control the ball with their hands, as Brandao did when he opened the scoring for Shaktar at Celtic Park. It was also fortuitous that AC Milan weren’t awarded a soft penalty more than once when their forwards fell down dramatically in the penalty area. Luckier still was the fact that rival teams were not skillful enough to score more goals in
the face of determined defending and goalkeeping by
the Celtic players.

Celtic FC can only apologise to the Laptop Loyal for the anguish and disappointment that they have endured in the wake of these violations of the Spirit of the Game.

Yours in sport.

GIRUY - getitrightupye

More paranoid ranting available at www.celticparanoia.blogspot.com

 

TONY BANANAS & HACKWATCHER