hackwatching

Faubert plea to join Gers - Naka plea to dump Celts

The back page headlines from the four main tabloids say it all really. No need for satire here -

“LET ME GO - Faubert pleads with Boardeaux to OK Ibrox deal” Daily Record, Keith Jackson Exclusive

“GERS LAND LEE - And they up bid for Naismith” - The Sun, Alan Nixon and Iain King, EXCLUSIVE

“FIVE LIVE FOR GERS - EXCLUSIVE New Naismith offer... and four more chased” - Evening Times, Darrell King

“I’M ON MY WAY - Gers nab Beasley” Exclusive by Andy McInnes

“CELTS DENY NAKA EXIT” Evening Times, Ronnie Cully

“GET ME OUT OF HERE - Naka orders lawyers to find escape route” Daily Express, Gary Keown

Where to start...? From top down - the Daily Record “LET ME GO... BORDEAUX admitted last night that winger Julien Faubert is desperate to join Rangers”

Rangers continuing their uncanny knack of finding foreigners who are life-long supporters of the Gers.

“Record Sport revealed yesterday that the French international had demanded showdown talks with his bosses to win a £5million move to Ibrox. Those talks took place yesterday and Bordeaux chairman Jean-Louis Triaud - despite Triaud’s attempts to scare Rangers off by demanding £10million for the player”

These unreasonable foreign chairmen eh? Not sure that £10million would be the figure necessary to “scare Rangers off” as Kilmarnock seem to be doing a pretty good job of that with a “demand” of £2million.

We will be hearing more regarding this particular player in the paragraphss to come.However at the moment the mighty Gers have bigger fish to fry:

The Sun (Alan Nixon & Iain King) “GERS LAND LEE....LEE McCULLOCH is on his way to Rangers after they came up with an improved £2million offer last night. And Ibrox boss Walter Smith has also slapped in a fresh £1.5m package for superkid striker Stevie Naismith.”

Phew! The Gers splashing out £3.5million in 24 hours, with Wattie calling the shots by slapping bids in left, right and centre. Naismith elevated from “promising” to “superkid” and everyone at Sun HQ getting really excited.

“Rangers did not want to shift from the original £1.5m bid [BISCUIT TIN! he cried], but had to force up the money. It’s understood the transfer fee will be paid in installments and includes add-ons”.

Ah, the familiar “add-ons” line. A pish poor offer, way short of the selling club’s valuation, but with a wee bit more promised if the player in question scores 1,000 goals in a season or on the date of his 342nd cap for Scotland. And this is to spread over 318 equal montly instalments over 27 years.

Yet this is portrayed in the press as “add-ons” thereby giving the impression to your average unquestioning tabloid reader that, in actual fact, the Gers are so generous and well-meaning that they are willing to pay amounts over and above the amount demanded by the unreasonable selling club.

In reality, for “add-on” read “makewight”. This is the more factually accurate term.

The merde continues: “Gers are ready to meet Rugby Park chief Michael Johnston’s £1.5m valuation - in the form of £1m down, then add-ons”

You’ve got to love those add-ons.

Hey, but wait a minute! The Sun just told us the money would be paid in instalments and now they’re saying £1m up front. Confused?

“A compromise on either side is still needed for the deal to be pushed through. But Killie have had no bids for the player apart from the Gers’ £400,000 first offer.”

£400,000 to £1.5m, that’s some compromise! Predictably the hacks responsible for this article don’t attach any adjective such as “derisory” or “pitiful” to the first Rangers offer. No, much better to continue to punt the line that Kilmarnock are being unreasonable, or at best, are in a position where they will be compelled to accept the highest bid that Rangers can muster.

Anyway, all this talking of haggling and deals that might be completed at some unspecified point in the future for a pittance transfer fee will not curry favour with The Master, Sir David Eternal Carrier of the Moonbeam. Better find some other transfer deal that we can hype up. I think I know the very thing...

“And in another deal exclusively revealed in Sunsport on June 5, Gers have captured Rugby Park keeper Graeme Smith on a Bosman. Smith, who played 31 first-team matches for Killie last season , has agreed a contract at Ibrox and will report tomorrow for his first day with his new club”

Nixon and King have clearly anticipated a “who’s this joker?” reaction from readers, therefore they are keen to emphasise that the player in question actually played 31 first team matches last season. Celtic fans everywhere immediately don’t shite themselves. In fact Gretna fans everyhwere don’t shite themselves.

However this pitiful effort at pro-Gers hype is eclipsed by the Evening Times’ Darrell King - “FIVE LIVE FOR GERS - RANGERS are today chasing FIVE new players in deals that could cost them more than £10million.”

Wow! Impressive stuff! Especially as the article goes on to emphasise “...Rangers have been accused of dragging their heels as rivals Celtic splashed out £8m on new players and hogged the headlines. But a source [usually a Rangers supporting journalist making this up to boost morale] said: ‘Significant funds have been set aside by the chairman for the right players. There are deals on-going on top of the three players signed so far”

The “source” doesn’t go quite as far as saying the “significant funds set aside” are directly from His Majesty’s own pockets but if it could be interpreted that way, so much the better. Anyway, that’s Celtic put in their place.

Faubert much better than Brown, another victory for the wily Wattie over Strachan

Back to the “FIVE LIVE” that had King pishing his pants in excitment: “Bordeaux’s £4.5m rated France midfielder Julien Faubert.” 5 minutes for France under-18s is all that is required for a Rangers transfer target to qualify as a “France midfielder/international”

“Kilmarnock’s Steven Naismith A fresh bid worth £1.5m with add-ons has been tabled”

Yawn! Gotta love those add-ons though.

Honourable mention to the Evening Times’ prize comedy performer Derek Johnstone, who continues to show that the high standard of his hilarious pre-season patter is no flash-in-the-pan. DJ (ably assisted by Murdo McLeod in the Daily Record) was at the forefront in keeping up the “Walter didnae really want to sign Scott Brown anyway cos this French geezer is a much better player” party line:

“People are asking why they are trying to sign him when they wouldn’t push the boat out for Scott Brown. But he’s [Faubert] the type of signing they should be making. Why him and not Brown? Maybe Walter didn’t think Brown was worth £4.5m, plus £1m in add-ons and the £25,000-a-week that took the whole deal for him to £12m”

Once again DJ demonstrating his encyclopedic knowledge of Celtic’s wage negotiations in transfer deals. And there’s more:

“Faubert might cost around £5m and £1m a year. But if he left after two years he may be a £7m package overall. He could sold on for a big profit, the same as the likes of Gio Van Bronckhorst. So there are differences between a potential deal for Faubert and the one Celtic did for Brown”

There are several points to be raised here that could demonstrate that, in actual fact, DJ is talking complete shite:

1) The clear inference here is that Celtic have just splashed out money on Brown indiscriminantly, whereas Wattie as a horse of a different stripe, possessing a wily, crafty ability to get maximum value from his transfer dealings. Total shite. However DJ is not the first proponent of this ludicrous view of Wattie’s ability in the transfer market [see Hateley, Mark “Walter knows the transfer market better than most managers”

2) Faubert has sell-on value, but er... Scott Brown doesn’t? Actually that’s total shite DJ.

3) Another inference is that Brown’s (alleged) weekly wage of £25,000 is over-inflated. DJ suggests Faubert would be on £1million a year. £1million / 52 = £19,230 per week, but Gers will make a profit as long as they can flog him within two years. It’s a big assumption to make that Rangers can make a “big profit” on a £7million outlay. When was the last time Rangers sold a player for £10million DJ? I’m afraid this has to go down as total shite too.

4) Why the emphasis on Faubert’s potential sell-on value? Is DJ saying that the once mighty Glasgow Rangers are now no more than a selling club for the English Premiership? Actually this one might not be total crap!

DJ still has a few gems left up his sleeve though: “I think Rangers would have nailed Faubert speculation right away had they not been in for him. The last thing they need is more bad press”

Aren’t you just sick of reading all that bad press about Rangers? Maybe DJ has a subscription to Frozen Hell weekly.

It was actually Murdo MacLeod who set the “Wattie didn’t want to sign Brown anyway cos Faubert is a much better player” ball rolling in his column of Monday June 25th:

“RANGERS are prepared to offer more money for Julien Faubert than they were willing to pay for Scott Brown.”

Would that be a tenner instead of a fiver?

“Walter Smith, who knows the European scene better than most, clearly values Faubert higher than he does Brown. End of story.”

Sorry, had to compose myself there after another fit of laughter. This patter is nearly as good as Derek Johnstone’s. Do these guys not realise how ridiculous they sound with this constant sycophantic arse licking of the Rangers manager? Obviously not.

I’m sure Wattie has great experience of the European scene from Gothenburg, Strasbourg, Zurich, Auxerre, Amsterdam, Turin, Bucharest, Sofia, Prague etc. etc. and this is not to mention the fact that he will have learned a lot from being gubbed by most of these teams at home too. Whilst unearthing gems like Stalle Stensaas, Oleg Salenko, Seb Rozental, Marco Negri and Derek McInnes, along the way.

“Rangers obviously had the cash to buy Brown but felt the deal was too rich at £4.4million [DJ says it was £12m Murdo], especially when he and Hibs team-mate Kevin Thomson [who?] were rated as a £4m package earlier in the year.”

Murdo now being a fully paid up member of the Laptop Loyal, follows the party line at all times maintain the illusion that Rangers are sitting on loads of money that they are ready to splash out any day now, preferably giving the impression that it has come straight from Sir David’s own pocket - under no circumstances should Rangers be described as “cash-strapped”, “penny-pinching” or have the words “biscuit tin” mentioned in the same sentence as the club’s name.

Of course you remember similar articles appearing in the Scottish tabloids in the 90s, praising Fergus McCann for refusing to pay over the odds to bring players to Celtic don’t you? Fergus was portrayed as a safe pair of hands whilst the press questioned the wisdom of Sir Mint paying Van Vossen and Salenko £20,000 per week.

But now I’m back from that alternative universe...

“It’s the type of high-profile signing David Murray enjoys making and he has been a master at picking plums since taking over the club in 1988.”

I wonder if Murdo is confusing “duds” with “plums?” Not sure what Murdo means by that sentence anyway. He can’t possibly be suggesting that Sir Moonbeam is personally responsible for choosing players that are signed at Ibrox instead of the manager, because we all know the indignant fury that would result in our ever vigilant press at this kind of behaviour as was witnessed when Romanov admitted to such practices. We can all imagine the kind of reaction in the press if Fergus McCann was ever found to have been personally involved in identifying transfer targets. The Daily Record’s front page claiming he was worse than Saddam Hussein would be made to look like a Mother’s Day card in comparison.

“Celtic have hogged the headlines so far this close season but the move for Faubert is a gesture at the right time for the chairman to let Rangers fans know they should not worry.”

Can’t be having this Celtic hogging all the headlines carry on can we eh? I’m sure Derek Johnstone and Mark Hateley wouldn’t approve either. Funnily enough, I can’t recall any Scottish hack complaining about Rangers hogging the headlines but maybe that’s just my memory.

Again we see fawning praise of the chairman in relation to a potential Rangers signing. Reporting of Rangers transfer moves seem to mention Sir David Moonbeam more than the manager at the club. Perhaps I should see a doctor about my failing memory, but again I can’t recall reading fawning praise of Dermot Desmond or Brian Quinn in relation to any Celtic transfer deal whatsoever. I wonder why that is?

Anyway, we can all sleep soundly at night now, safe in the knowledge that Moonbeam has everything in hand.

“Ibrox supporters will be walking 10ft tall again at the imminent arrival of Faubert”

“walking 10ft tall” - just in time for marching season too!

But hold on Murdo, this French dude hasn’t even signed yet, you might want to keep your powder dry or you might end up looking as stupid as Derek Johnstone or Hateley.

Too late.

Never mind, I’m sure there’s hundreds more players around Europe that you can say are much better than Scott Brown and are about to sign for the Gers.

Ach well, any excuse. Might as well show the goals from Caley Thistle beating Celtic at Parkhead in 2000 while you’re at it. Again.

Having been told that the arrival of Faubert at Ibrox is “imminent” [oops!], it’s time for some to crank up the hype for the loyal leadership, and if this can encompass some 9-in-a-row nostalgia, so much the better:

Gary Ralston takes up two pages of the Record for this sick bucket effort: “FAUBERT WOULD BE A CATCH TO MATCH LAUDRUP AND GAZZA Rangers aiming high with French target Julien says ex-Jambo Gilles”

The Record wheels out that well known expert on European football and Rangers - Gilles Rousset to wax lyrical on how great a player this boy is. Rousset being such an avid Gers fan that he threw 5 goals into his own net to help Rangers win the Scottish Cup final of 1996.

With Laudrup and Gascoigne getting a mention every time you turn a page in the Daily Record these days, it’s worth mentioning that both were still turning out at Ibrox in the 97/98 Jansen league winning season in what was wideley believed to be a poor Rangers team, and both dismally failed to produce the goods in Rangers’ much hyped European adventures. However to read about them today you would think that each was a Pele, Cruyff and Maradona rolled into one. Perhaps this is a taster of what the press will be writing about Captain Barry in 10 years time.

Record readers were actually treated to a few days of unconcealed and unashamed Rangers 9-in-a-row anniversary celebrations during the summer. This kicked off in the Daily Ranger with a full page by Neil Cameron:

“WE COULD’VE RULED EUROPE IF DICK HADN’T CHOPPED RINO - LORENZO AMORUSO yesterday looked back on the 10th anniversary of his signing for Rangers and admitted he’s been forced to live with two major regrets since then. Those are that he didn’t help Walter Smith win 10 in a row [this one is shared by most journalists in the Scottish press] and that Rino Gattuso was allowed to leave after only one season.Amoruso arrived in Glasgow in one of the busiest summers at Rangers, who at the time were one of the biggest spenders in British football”

Halcyon days, eh Neil? You can practically picture the journalist gazing wistfully out of an open window as he loses himself in a daydream of Laudrup dives and Gascoigne elbows to the teeth.

“Sergio Porrini, Marco Negri, Jonas Thern, Stalle Stensaas and Amoruso were all signed in the belief that they would prove to too strong for Celtic”

Legends one and all.

It’s interesting to note that whilst Wattie was signing all these future legends, Celtic had appointed Wim Jansen as manager, described in one of the Daily Rectum’s typically understated back page headlines as “THE BIGGEST DISASTER TO HIT JAPAN SINCE HIROSHIMA”. This was based on the fact that Jansen had a relatively unsuccessful stint as manager of Japanese side Hiroshima.

As it happens, Jansen proved to be THE BIGGEST DISASTER TO HIT THE LAPTOP LOYAL SINCE JOCK STEIN, as Celtic made heavy weather of beating a Rangers side weighed down with Wattie’s ageing bum buddies and dud signings, to the league title.

As for the banner headline attached to this particular headline - “WE COULD’VE RULED EUROPE IF DICK HADN’T CHOPPED RINO” - this was based on Amoruso’s comment, “I’m not saying we would have won the Champions League but we would eventually have done better in Europe”

Not quite the same as ruling Europe, but I suppose you’ve got to cut a Gers supporting hack a bit of slack when he’s indulging in a spot of 9-in-a-row nostalgia because the team’s current incarnation is heading down the toilet. However, Amoruso and Cameron fail to explain why the Gers were easily humped by European giants Gothenburg and Strasbourg, even with the world class Gattuso in their ranks. In fact, a victory of any sort in that period would have represented eventually having done better.

 

From Rangers hype and unbridled nostalgia, to the customary negative spin re Celtic’s affairs.

Gary Keown of the Daily Express has “GET ME OUT OF HERE - Naka orders lawyers to find escape route,” Celtic obviously guilty of cruelly holding players against their will again according to the journalist.

“SHUNSUKE NAKAMURA has dropped a bombshell on Celtic by ordering his legal team to produce evidence of a shock contract clause that will let him quit for a bargain £1million. The 29 year-old believes there is a loophole in his deal that will allow interested clubs to snap him up for a fraction of his real value. He has legal eagles going through the smallprint with a fine-toothed comb”

Not content with leaving Celtic the machevelian Japenese midfielder is determined to see that Celtic receive as little money in recompense as possible, or so this joker would have you believe. This has echoes of the days when Mark Viduka was portrayed by the press as being permanently under a dark cloud with this being all nasty Celtic’s fault for not letting the player move for a pittance.

This is all at the instruction of the player you will notice, who preumably is desperate to leave Celtic. Nothing to do with any juicy soundbytes from agents trying to create a bit of unrest which they hope to cash in on. Of course not.

“...he is by no means one of the highest-paid players at the club despite his heroics both at home and in the Champions League”

All that’s missing is a mention of the biscuit tin. Considering the source (Andy McInnes’s loyal apprentice boy) I don’t think Celtic fans need be too worried.

 

A week in the life of neutral STV news editing

Friday June 22
STV’s sports reporting during the off-season Friday managed to raise the bar as far as negative Celtic spin is concerned. First up was the report about the two Italians... a video clip of Delvecchio being pulled up for stupidly wandering offside. Next, a clip of Donati... being red carded.

Next some coverage of Rangers target Julien Faubert. A clip is shown of the player speeding down the wing, skillfully beating a few players before passing to a team-mate to score. Looks a good player.

Can you spot the difference?

Moving on to the next item which was about Barcelona, who are playing two glamour(?) friendlies against Dundee Utd and Hearts (glamour for who?). They interviewed Rijkaard and promptly showed E’too scoring a fine goal. Any guesses who against? Don’t all answer at once.

This continued with an interview with Van Bronckhorst during which they showed a clip of him scoring a goal. Any guesses against who? Again, don’t all answer at once.

Thank god we never tried to sign Zidane.

Monday June 25
STV at it again. The report on Ivan Sproule getting punted to Bristol City was accompanied by a clip of Sproule scoring his hat-trick against Rangers...

Only kidding. Thankfully for STV Sproule scored against Celtic in the last meaningless game of the season so they were able show that instead. Phew! That was close.

Thursay June 28th
Interview with newly-appointed SPL ‘PR chief’ Gary McAllister about the standard of the SPL. McAllister commented that the number of players being transferred to the Premiership from the SPL is testament to the standard of the league. Cue clip of Scott Brown scoring against Celtic and Ivan Sproule scoring against Celtic (Again. His hat-trick against Rangers having mysteriously disappeared into the same black-hole as the 2nd half coverage of the 7-1 game in ‘57).

Next report is on John Sutton joining Wycombe. This is accompanied by a clip of Sutton scoring for St.Mirren against... you guessed it, Celtic.

I would suggest to the editor of the STV news that you would probably be able to find better clips of players in action on YouTube to accompany your news report.

That is, of course, assuming you are trying your very best to be neutral. Which we all know you are.

TONY BANANAS

More paranoid ranting available at www.celticparanoia.blogspot.com

 

TONY BANANAS & HACKWATCHER