hackwatching

a narrow escape for nelson mandela... and where did all the jjb money go??

free nelson mandela

A story in many of the tabloids last month inducing much drooling among the hacks over and above the usual drooling is typified by this effort from the Mirror: 17 July 2006 GERS MISS OUT ON FULL NELSON MANDEL A NO SHOW.. BUT HE CALLS TO THANK IBROX MEN by Kenny Ross

PAUL LE GUEN and his Rangers players missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime meeting with Nelson Mandela last night - because his plane was delayed. But they still received a personal thank you from the great man for travelling to South Africa to play three matches. Mandela had wanted to meet the team in person, but his plane was delayed while on business in Swaziland and he could not be at the Wanderers Stadium yesterday afternoon to watch Rangers go down 2- 0 to Mamelodi Sundowns. However, the former South African president, who turns 88 tomorrow, still arranged for a conference call so he could at least thank Le Guen and Rangers by phone for coming to his country.

To paraphrase then: Nelson Mandela was so desperate to meet the Rangers team to thank them for helping boost the profile of South African football before the World Cup, and generally being The People, that he was devastated, gutted, in fact suicidal, when he wasn't able to meet them. However he was so desperate to get in touch with the Queen's XI that he hastily arranged a conference call from his own private jet to David Murray's private jet so he could thank the Gers boys and the new Messiah recently appointed as manager. A bit like Muhammed Ali wanting to thank the KKK but there you have it.

Later, a much smaller story in the Metro tucked away in a wee column at the bottom of a page - 'Nelson Mandela will today celebrate his 88th birthday by meeting Aberdeen players'

celtic bashing

The Daily Ranger on 18 July was at its Celt bashing best! A double page spread about the pre-season tour of the US, written by the Rinky Dink panther... Keith 'I Love David Murray' Jackson. All that's missing is the broken club crest (again).

It's all doom and gloom and Alan Thompson's agent has a lot to say for himself and the Daily Ranger has a lot to say about Alan Thompson and his agent. Call it lazy journalism if you like, but this clown (Jackson) did'nt even bother interviewing Thompson before venting his spleen and accusing Celtic of the 'BiscuitTin' mentality...yet again.

Don't quite follow how letting a 32 year old who is now past his best leave the club (if indeed that is the plan - of which nobody can be certain) equates to the biscuit tin mentality? Never mind, I'm sure Keith Jacksie does, so that's Ok then!

In a similar vein, a phone call from a Celtic fan to the Record's crackpot hotline sums it up well. He was complaining that according to the Daily Ranger, while Celtic are apparently back to the biscuit tin days, the mob from Castle Greyskull 'won't

 

The only trouble with being a football hack is that eventually, at some point during your working day, you have to leave the boozer and go and hammer away at the laptop keys for while in order to get something that your editor can fill up a space with. If it's slabbering praise of Rangers or hints of an impending crisis at Celtic Park then so much the better.

The problem is that some irritating fanzine contributor might actually look back at what you've written and hold it up to public ridicule.

Take the annual summer predictions, for example, when the experts have to try and predict how the season might unfold. The gift of foresight is bestowed on very few; last year's offerings would suggest that there are more crystal bollocks than crystal balls among the nation's sports desks.

It's not even that hard a question, 'Who will win the SPL this season?' It's a 50:50. Just collaborate with your mates over a few drams. If half of you go for Celtic and the other half plump for the Orcs then at least only 50% of you will look like plonkers.

Not a bit of it.

Take the Daily Express for instance. All five of their football pundits said that Rangers would win the title, but it was left to Charlie Nicholas to wax lyrical on why we should have thrown in the towel before a ball was kicked. 'RANGERS for the league championship and I'm not basing that forecast on Celtic's Euro humiliation in Bratislava. I made up my mind Alex McLeish would get the better of his old pal Aberdeen and Scotland mat Gordon Strachan to keep hold of the crown two weeks ago when I took time out on holiday to put the SPL in focus.'

He must have been lying on that Florida beach longer than is good for him while putting the SPL in focus. Sunstroke can be a terrible thing. Symptoms apparently include loss of mental faculties and verbal diarrhoea.

The Cannonball Kid goes on: 'The gap on prize-giving day could be several points. It will certainly be more than the slender winning lead Celtic handed to Rangers on the final day of last season... Big Eck's side will be too strong both mentally and physically for Celtic.'

Charlie could find few crumbs of comfort for the then beleaguered Gordon Strachan either: 'Today, Gordon finds himself in the same position Alex was in only a few months ago seemingly unwanted and pondering about his future. And that's after only one game in charge of the Celts! Alex appeared to be in an impossible position, with a stop-go, patched-up side trying desperately to hang on to Celtic's coat-tails. McLeish is made of stern stuff, though, and turned Rangers around through sheer grit and determination. He was well rewarded. Now I have been far more impressed with McLeish's signings when compared directly with the players Strachan has recruited for Celtic.'

Being an expert - he crops up on Sky Sports as well to keep us ignorant punters informed about the nuances of the game - Charlie obviously knows a player when he sees one, which is why you have to sit up and take notice when he's giving his opinions about signings: 'Huge question marks hang over every single new Celt, even Japanese Bhoy Shunsuke Nakamura. And, right now, the likes of Paul Telfer, Mo Camara, Jeremie Aliadiere and Maciej Zurawski are not Celtic class. They may be in time, of course, but on the other hand, they may not.'

I like that last sentence. Thank goodness Charlie doesn't sit on the fence.

Strikers, that's a position he should know all about. What did Charles de Goal make of Gordon Strachan's Polish forward? 'Zurawski rejoices in the nickname of Magic and he showed in Bratislava how he could disappear - just like that.'

Big Eck, though, now there's a horse of a different stripe when it comes to the transfer market: 'McLeish identified the players he wanted and went out and nailed them. Frankly, I like the look of Rangers new boys Jose Pierre-Fanfan and Federico Nieto, while Brahim Hemdani could be the perfect midfield partner for new skipper Barry Ferguson. And we all know the capabilities of Ian Murray, now he has left Easter Road for Ibrox.' (Daily Express July 29 2005)

We can only stand in awe at Charlie's powers of precognition, as in 'That's awe shite Charles.'

He wasn't out on a limb at the Express, though. Andy McInnes (see NTV letters pages passim) was in bullish form at the thought of his beloved Glasgow Rangers romping away with the SPL title this season: 'If Rangers can steal the title by default from Celtic last time, then with the same luck and added quality they can wash the floor with them this season.'

Wipe the floor? He's getting Rangers mixed up with Ajax.

The rest of the sports desk predictions looked this

JIM McLEAN: 'Rangers will edge out Celtic. Alex McLeish's side look better equipped in terms of quality of player, allied to more strength in depth.'

GARY KEOWN: 'Rangers. Ibrox boss Alex McLeish rebuilt the core of his team last season and that element of continuity should give his team the edge over Celtic.'

GRAHAM CLARK: 'Rangers. The Ibrox side look for the first time in ages to be the slightly better equipped of the Old Firm and new signing Jose Pierre-Fanfan looks the part.'

Yes Graham, Fanfan did indeed look like a part, but this is a family magazine so I'll refrain from being too specific as to what part.

As the premier Rangers fanzine, you wouldn't expect much by way of support for Celtic from the Daily Rectum, and they didn't disappoint last summer. Anyone with a few quid to invest at the turf accountants would have been interested in what betting expert Sam Spread, a nom de plume for Colin Duncan, had to say about the relative prospects of the big Glasgow clubs before the onset of hostilities.

Under the headline 'Rangers stick-on for glory', Duncan wrote: 'RANGERS have yet to kick a competitive ball in anger but Celtic's Euro shocker has handed them a huge boost ahead of the start of the SPL campaign. Throw into the mix what happened on the final day of last season at Fir Park and it will take something special for Celtic's ageing side to recover sufficiently to mount a serious title challenge. Punters have been piling into Rangers to retain their crown after Celtic's 5-0 hammering against Artmedia and they are now 4-6 on the fixed odds. However, Rangers still represent decent value on the spreads. Alex McLeish appears to have a much stronger squad than his former Aberdeen team-mate Gordon Strachan - and there is the promise of two more new signings. Injury to Chris Sutton, arguably Celtic's best player, is another blow for Strachan and all the more reason for backing Rangers. Sporting have an Old Firm title index which offers 10 points for the champions and a further three points for every point either team finishes clear of their rivals. Buy Rangers at 12 with the Ibrox men needing to finish a point in front of Celtic next May to be in profit. I think the margin of victory will be a lot more than that.' (Daily Record July 30, 2005)

Ally McCoist is a betting man as well, so he tells us. He's also played the game, albeit for Rangers for a large part of his career. If you won't be swayed by Colin Duncan, perhaps your money might be better invested by Coisty: 'The betting man in me has formulated a picture of how the final league table will look and this is how I see it next May 1st - Rangers. Big Alex will win the title with a slightly more comfortable margin than last season's finale from fantasyland. He's strengthened his side with the arrival of Jose Pierre-Fanfan and Barry Ferguson will revel in his first full season back from Blackburn Rovers. Take in the goals from Dado Prso and Nacho Novo and you have the champions elect.' (Daily Record July 30 2005)

Goals from Nacho Novo = 3 in 31 appearances. Why oh why is he not going to the World Cup with Spain?

For the real insight into the betting world, of course, you have to read the Racing Post. Had you done so on July 30th last year you would have seen a preview of the coming season by Stuart Carruthers, 'GET SET FOR TITLE ROMP':

'RANGERS have a great chance to end the sequence of alternating champions in the SPL - and they could really turn this season's title race into a procession. While the Gers won the league last season only because of Celtic's self destruction in the final two minutes of the campaign, they are fast progressing forward while the Bhoys have hit reverse. The side Alex McLeish put together last summer was always going to take time to bed together and they started so badly that they almost cost Big Eck his job. But they turned things around and, following some more shrewd signings in the close season, the power in Glasgow has surely switched to the West End of the city. Brahim Hemdani and Jose Pierre Fanfan have moved from France, Ian Murray has joined from Hibernian and the Gers have also snapped up promising young striker Federico Nieto from Argentinian club Almagro. . . While Rangers have moved forward over the summer, Celtic are going through a transition period and have taken a massive leap backwards. It would be no surprise to see the Gers do what the Bhoys did to them two years ago and win the league by a massive margin.'

Ach, what do these numpties know anyway? The Daily Rectum is lucky to be able to count among its hacks none other than Jim McLean, erstwhile manager of Dundee United and author of several joke books. Surely he, of all people, should know what he's talking about:

'AFTER Celtic's flop in Europe, I can say with certainty that Rangers will end the season with another SPL crown. Judging by the way Celtic went about their business against Artmedia Bratislava, you'd take the Ibrox men to win it at a canter... The biggest problem at Parkhead is the lack of spirit and the vibes coming from there have been negative all summer.'

We can always count on the Record to dispel those negative vibes can't we Jim?

'On top of that, Rangers look far stronger than 12 months ago so I definitely can't see past Alex McLeish and his players. We look like having a competitive top flight and I don't believe Hearts and Hibs will be fighting out a two-way battle for third place. Dundee United will be there or thereabouts and Aberdeen are also capable of claiming third spot - but I'm not sure we're going to be watching a lot of brilliant games.'

United were certainly thereabouts, dancing on the trapdoor to the netherworld of the First Division for much of the season.

'Only Rangers and Dundee United have impressed me with what they've done in the transfer market. 1st - Rangers. Definitely. McLeish's signings since January have been excellent and getting Barry Ferguson back has given them a boost. They may have won a watch with Jose Pierre-Fanfan, who could turn out to be as good as Jean-Alain Boumsong.' (Daily Record, July 30 2005)

And you thought I was kidding about the joke books!

The other main Rangers fanzine is the Glasgow Evening Times. Murray propaganda with a local spin, this blatt is a particularly soft target for ridicule, but I'll go with it anyway, if only to show those of our readers who don't live in the wild west of Scotland what the rest of us are subjected to. The ET even billed their hacks' predictions under the headline, WHAT OUR EXPERTS SAY. It made depressing reading for any Celtic fan desperate enough for a read on the train home to part with 35p:

ALAN DAVIDSON 'Champions: Rangers. Alex McLeish's side have the strength and experience to retain the title, while CelticÕs chemistry is yet to be established.'

DARRELL KING 'Champions: Rangers. Eight of the players who won the title at Easter Road are likely to start tomorrow, so the spine is there and confidence can only have grown.'

MATTHEW LINDSAY 'Champions: Rangers. New Celtic boss Gordon Strachan's summer acquisitions look to fall some way below the high standard needed at the Parkhead club.'

ALISON McCONNELL Champions: Rangers. There is actually very little between Celtic and Rangers, but Celtic's tendency to self-destruct could be costly.'

BERT MITCHELL 'Champions: Rangers. Big Eck has utilised the Bosman market to bring performers of proven Euro pedigree to Ibrox and, while that is no guarantee of success, it represents ace against king value when compared to Coca-Cola championship plundering.'

You're tempted to tell them not to give up their day jobs, until you remember that this is their day job.

That's the tabloids for you. The big papers... surely they have proper writers?

Three out of the four jobbers on The Sunday Herald went for Rangers and they summed up their reasoning in a cogently argued and well written precis of formal continuous crap.

Season preview The Sunday Herald:

RANGERS Man with the plan Alex McLeish. The Rangers coach rode out an early-season challenge to his position last time around, and with the title in his bag and seven trophies under his belt, comes into the new season in his strongest position yet. Fully acclimatised to Old Firm pressure. So acclimatised was he that he won one out of five derby matches. Strengths and weaknesses Spine of the team appears increasingly strong. Two top-class goalkeepers - Stefan Klos and Ronald Waterreus - vie for action between the sticks. Jose-Karl Pierre-Fanfan looks capable of striking a solid partnership with Marvin Andrews. Brahim Hemdani's presence should allow a resurgent Barry Ferguson and sharp Thomas Buffel to worry most teams. Dado Prso and Nacho Novo complement each other well further forward, even before the intriguing addition of Federico Nieto. Certain areas of the squad still feel thin. Central defensive uncertainty remains and there are still issues on the left side of midfield, where McLeish will surely be reluctant to rely on Peter Lovenkrands.

This name Nieto keeps cropping up but I can't put a face to than name at all. Does anybody else think that maybe the hacks didn't actually know how good a player was?

Finances David Murray's underwriting of a recent share issue not only kept the wolf from the door, it allowed the club to look forward again.

They'll be looking forward to that wolf making a comeback just as soon as the JBB cash dries up.

Goalscorer Dado Prso. Surprisingly overlooked for the player-of-the-year awards, but the big Croatian scored 21 goals last season, and set up many more. Creator Thomas Buffel. The Belgian had a storming latter half to the season and his pre-season performances suggest there may be even more in the locker this time.

A can of Lynx and a spare jockstrap perhaps?

Cruncher Barry Ferguson. Having a converted central defender, Hemdani, alongside him should allow him to attack more, but it is captain Ferguson who will be called upon to win most midfield battles.
July 24, 2005

Alan Campbell of the Herald actually bucked the trend to predict a title win for Celtic. And he's a golf writer!

 

TONY BANANAS & HACKWATCHER