hackwatching

To: reporters@dailyrecord.co.uk
cc: Subject: Possible Vacancies?

Dear Daily Record

I write to enquire regarding any possible vacancies in your sports department. At present I am employed as a building engineer, however I feel I have the requirements to qualify as a reporter for your famous sports department. I have no journalistic experience but I do have a keen interest in football, pub talk, rumour -mongering and a high disregard for the truth. Given the contents of your paper this week I feel that I would fit in.

Perfect examples as follows: 1. Back page today: 'Bhoys in for Basturk'. The article mentions that Celtic are in for Bayer Leverkusen's Yildiray Basturk, a player who will be much sought after throughout Europe this summer. The same article also mentions that Celtic will have very little if any money to spend. Is this player simply going to be given to Celtic as a reward for their great season?

2. Earlier in the week the main headline on the back page (and mentioned on the front page I think) was that Celtic were set to spend £20,000,000 on players this summer. The record reporter assured us about this. Yet the main Editorial feature on page 62 today is headlined 'O'Neill rummaging round the bargain basement a kick in the teeth to Celtic fans'. As a budding investigative journalist I would be willing to investigate the whereabouts of this large sum of money which has apparently disappeared in the space of 24 hours. It certainly is a kick in the teeth for Celtic fans, as they would be supporting one of only four teams in Europe (the others are in the bigger more lucrative leagues) with such large sums of money to spend, yet today the Record creates the impression that Celtic will be scavenging around Europe for the dregs of the transfer market. I'm confused (another credential for a job?).

3. In January the Record had a bold front page headline 'thieves, thugs and vagabonds', a reference to the Celtic players' Christmas night out. This headline was proved later to be wholly false as no charges were brought against the innocent Celtic players. Yet in the last month, the paper has had numerous exclusive pull-outs to commemorate Celtic's magnificent run in Europe. Indeed a bus, of all things, was sent to Seville with a team of crack journalists. How can such a respectable paper lend such support to a team full of thieves, thugs and vagabonds? Although it is against my beliefs I would be willing to be two faced if it meant that I could get a ticket to a major European final and a right good piss up abroad.

4. I do not posses much experience with photo manipulation software packages, but I feel that I too could doctor photos such as Monday's male stripper with the head of Berti Vogts superimposed on it. Again, although it is against my beliefs to search for the slightest thing in someone's character in order to humiliate them, I would be willing to have a go in order to make fun of a Scotland manager who had just pulled off one of the most decent results in the national team's recent history. Given that this photo was based on a woman phoning a fun (it can't be serious!) football phone-in on Saturday and mentioning that she fancied Berti, it seems like a poor basis for such a full page feature on the Scotland manager. However, if required, after any good results I would be willing to revert back to investigative journalism in order to find any kind of negativity, in order to create a highly hilarious feature.

Although I am partially dyslexic (don't know how to spell it) have few grammatical skills in grammar and am currently employed (in my defence can I just say that I am terminally workshy, as can be seen from the time spent on this - in fact I have a knack of doing nothing all day then hacking out something at the last minute when I have to, which I think would be ideal for producing something to fill the pages. I could even use 'Phil O'Space' as my pen name)

I feel that I would be ideal for a position in your renowned and respected paper. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards
Graham Anderson

PS. I read in your paper a while ago that there was a war in Iraq. Should I be unsuccessful in my application, I would be pleased if you could at least clarify if this was true.