top team

Scottish football might be in a mess, but it's in rude health by comparison with what passes for tabloid journalism in this country. Nonetheless, despite churning out endless reams of hopelessly ill-informed rubbish, the sports departments themselves actually believe they're doing a wonderful job.

What else can explain the idle boasting of the Sunday Mail's sport team in the December 29th issue who claimed that 2002 had been "another vintage year"? They went on to claim a whole five major exclusives to themselves before finishing with an exhortation to stick with the Mail in 2003.

Strangely enough, the hack who rattled out this particular article, Euan McLean, neglected to mention the outstanding performance of his paper's sports team during last summer's World Cup, which began with the yet another exclusive, the capture of a guest writer who was apparently in great demand: "The World Cup pundit they all wanted... and we've got him." So ran the headline in the Mail a couple of weeks before the tournament started.

Who was the pundit in question, the one they all wanted? None other than the Cat in the Hat himself. "The Ibrox gaffer is the man every newspaper wanted - but only the pulling power of Mailsport could convince Eck to give his exclusive insight into the World Cup." This insight was evident in abundance in the same issue when Mailsport's World Cup team were asked to predict what the outcome might be of last summer's competition. "The World Cup the greatest show on the planet (sic) and Mailsport has asked the greatest team on the planet for their tips. We've pinned down the Rangers manager, one of his stars, a Celtic legend, and a top TV pundit. If that wasn't enough, our expert writers also give their no-holds-barred views. No wonder we're champs!"

The Cat in the Hat's unique insight allowed him to predict that "It's hard to see past France... and I fancy Ecuador to surprise a few people." Unlike the Rangers "gaffer", everybody who played them seemed to see their way past France quite comfortably, while if Ecuador were surprising people it must have been by quietly sneaking up behind them and shouting "boo".

The "top TV pundit" mentioned in the Mail's puff was Rob McLean. He even managed to surpass the Cat in his Nostradamus-like visionary genius. "I'm taking France to defend their crown... I don't think any other team can compete with their strength. I'm expecting them to beat Italy in the final having knocked out Argentina in the semis. My other team in the last four is Spain." Sticking a pin into a list of teams would have resulted in a more accurate prediction.

Not to be outdone by their TV counterparts, the Mail's "expert writers" also showed why they're sought after by none of the top sports newspapers in Europe. Gordon Waddell proved more than an astrological match for Russell Grant - and not just in the gut department - by foretelling that, "The cream will rise to the top as usual... France have stumbled since they hammered us but it's hard to imagine them not being in the shake-up. If they do get to the final I figure that they'll already have beaten England, Brazil and Argentina so would deserve glory once again. Italy are buzzing and should push France all the way. I don't know about dark horses but Portugal are tipped to shine." Unlike Gordon's football knowledge.

Warming to his remit, Mark 'Scoop' Guidi applied all of his football wisdom accumulated through years of studying and commenting on the game to give us this uncanny portent of the future: "this looks like being the most open finals for years and will end with a country from Europe winning for the first time outside their own continent. France will be right in there until the latter stages but not even the genius of Zidane will inspire them to back-to-back wins. Argentina should have a major say and Portugal and Uruguay might prove shock troops but the eventual winners will be Italy. Trappatoni's side have quality throughout and should make up for their Euro 2000 heartache."

Give them all a pay rise. They deserve it.

More recently, we have been entertained by some transfer speculation surrounding LA Blaw, aka 'Row Z'. According to the Retard, "PREMIERSHIP pair Newcastle and Fulham are chasing Rangers defender Lorenzo Amoruso. Sports Ranger can reveal that the two English sides are considering £4million transfer swoops for the big Italian." Obviously the article has to be slanted to boost the morale of its Hunnic readership so David McCarthy adds : "Amoruso has made it clear he wants to stay with Rangers and it's unlikely boss McLeish, who is seeking defensive cover of his own, would welcome any offer for the fans' favourite".

In fact McCarthy even manages to slip in a bit of pish about the Huns being in the market to actually buy a player themselves. On the same day, Bluenose-in-chief at the Evening Times Darrell King goes even further: "AMO: I WANT TO STAY AT RANGERS". This excuse for reporting degenerates into little more than an excuse to waffle on about the Huns being one of Europe's biggest clubs with magnificent supporters etc. etc.

Both articles are ultimately adamant that 'Row Z' is desperate to stay at the Death Star. Strangely enough, Amoruso is not accused of lacking ambition by not seeking a move to the Premiership. Nor does he have his ability to perform at the highest level questioned by the fact that he has never played in that league.

The last word on the proposed Newcastle deal goes to Sir Bobby Robson: "It would be a waste of money. If we are going to look for a player we'll look for a top player."

HACKWATCHER & TONY BANANAS

 

back to top