Murray defends bigot claims

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Findlay Findlay

DAVID MURRAY yesterday produced arguably the most emotional performance witnessed at Ibrox so far this season when he defended his club against claims that their fans have been abusing Neil Lennon in a sectarian and racialist manner.

The tight-lipped, ashen-faced club supremo was almost visibly moved to tears as he held a peeled onion under his nose and told reporters gathered around his rectum that in fact his club were the victims:"We must guard vigilantly against generalising about the Rangers support. We have around 45,000 supporters who turn up here and only about 90% of them sing sectarian songs. It's that minority who let us down.

"'It's too easy to make generalisations, but the accusations concerning our supporters are mainly coming from Celtic fans, and we all know what they're like."

Asked if he was taking steps to tone down the highly charged right wing atmosphere inside the stadium Murray said, "yes we are taking steps, mostly of the goose variety. We will also be replacing Andy Cameron with a new announcer we have signed on a Bosman from London, a Mr. Oswald Moseley. We hear he is a very good speaker and he has promised he will make the trains run on time."

Benito Mussolini is 107.

Another BAFTA for Danish star

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Our Arts Correspondent

Peter Lovencrap has won a BAFTA for his performance as a victim of a near fatal assault in his latest feature, "I've Been Nutted by Allan Thompson."

A spokesman for the Academy praised Lovencrap's performance and held him up as an example to all aspiring actors. "Peter was so convincing that I had to keep reminding myself that it was all make-believe. I hear he does all his own stunts."

This award follows on from the first prize he received at the Feyenoord Rotterdam Festival of Diving for his role as a winger choking to death (below) in the highly acclaimed 2002 remake of 'Carry On Up The Penalty Box' (cert. 18).