Eck tracking ___________

(insert name here)

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By (insert your name)

Due to our staff hacks not having sobered up since drowning their sorrows at the end of last season the Bugle has to inform our readers that they will have to make up this issue's big Rangers exclusive story on their own. Please do not be alarmed if you feel unqualified to be a sports journalist for a major newspaper.

Simply fill in the blanks when prompted to do so - which is what our reporters do anyway.

You might find this task easier if you consume at least bottle of Scotch before beginning.

Rangers supremo Alex McLeish has asked to be kept informed if Juventus/ Real Madrid/ Manchester United/ _______ (delete where applicable or insert name of other big club) decide to put Pavel Nedved/ David Beckham/ Ruud van Nistelrooy / ________ (as above) on the transfer list.

Big Eck has already signed __________ (be sure to list all the Bosmans Rangers have signed during the close season - even Marvin Andrews) and sees ___________ (insert name of player mentioned above) as the final piece in his jigsaw which, when completed, will see the Ibrox club restored to the top of European football, or even the SPL.

It has also become clear that Porto/ Bayern Munich/ Real Madrid/ Barcelona (delete where applicable) made a last minute move to capture Dado Prso/ Alain Boumsong/ Marvin Andrews (delete where applicable) but the player made it clear that he was definitely on his way to Ibrox as he has supported Rangers since he was a small boy in Zagreb/ Auxerre/ Port of Spain (delete where applicable) and was given a Rangers scarf/ sash/ goat (delete where applicable) by a schoolfriend. (Finish the story by writing a paragraph about Murray Park, another about all the money Eck will have to spend once he offloads last season's flops and, if you're feeling really imaginative, one about a magical casino that will wipe out the £68 million debt overnight then sit back and wait for your Pulitzer Prize to arrive)