megalomaniac leader tracked down to secret bolthole and captured

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Findlay Findlay

Incredible footage taken by a crack squad of American special forces tasked with the mission of tracking down and capturing the world's most elusive megalomaniac dictator appears to prove conclusively that he has been found at last.

Opening the press conference with the words, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've got him', and to the accompaniment of whoops and cheers from the assembled reporters, many of whom have not had an invitation to the Blue Room since the dictator went missing, the news that David 'Comical' Murray is back in circulation has set off waves of unrestrained rejoicing throughout the country.

Murray has been in hiding since abdicating several months ago in the wake of a devastating campaign which saw him take such devastating losses that he was forced to retreat to his camouflaged bunker ten feet under the Waddell Suite.

In order that he would not be rooted out by bounty hunters from his own side, approaches to the bunker were made impassable thanks to a carpet of green and white straws laid around the front door.

The video film itself showed a dazed, dishevelled and clearly bewildered 'Honorary' Chairman being led from the hiding place which he thought would not be opened for several years at least.

He had cleverly established a bolt hole inside a large hamper marked 'Lucky Champions League Strips'. He had also attempted to disguise himself by donning an outrageously dishevelled wig and affecting a gormless expression while feigning insanity and memory loss, which gave his captors the false impression that they had, in fact, picked up Bert Konterman by mistake.

The slow realisation is beginning to dawn on him now that the mighty empire he thought he had established has been washed away by a sea of debt which onlookers have studied with a mixture of shock and awe.

He has agreed to be interrogated by a selected group of hand-picked 'embedded' journalists, so-called because they are embedded so far up Murray's rectum that it is difficult to see anything of them but the soles of their shoes.

Denying suggestions that journalists have agreed to go easy on Murray, one of the embedded reporters, C. Young, replied, 'How dare anybody suggest that we haven't been severe on His Imperial Majesty Mr. Murray. As for crawling up his bum, all I can say is I'm a crack journalist.'

Rangers launch own TV station

EXCLUSIVE
by Media reporter
Archie McBooze

In a bold move designed to wipe out Rangers' £70 million debt through satelite TV subscriptions, Chairman of the cash-strapped Ibrox club John McLelland announced the launch of their own television station, HTV.

'It's all part of the three year plan', said McLelland, leaning out of his office window holding what appeared to be a bent wire coathanger which was attached to a black and white portable TV, 'and I'm convinced that our catchy slogan 'Watch Our Blue Movies Instead' will convince huge numbers of our fans to switch to HTV.'

Sir Lou Grade is 106.

First day schedule

8:00-9:00 Scrapheap Challenge Two teams of contestants try to assemble a decent football team from the current Rangers squad.

9:00-11:00 Film: As Good As It Gets
Rangers qualify for the semis of the League Cup.

11:00 - 12:00 Faking It
John McLelland pretends to be the chairman of Rangers but will he fool anyone??

12:00 - 13:00 How do they do that?
Stories behind the most unbelievable events and occurrences. This week's programme concentrates on Craig Moore. Why does it take him an average of 12 fouls before he gets booked? Is he part of some archaic and corrupt underground organisation? Find out.

14:00 - 15:00 The Weakest Link Anne Robinson hosts this popular quiz programme. Tonight's special contestants are the entire Rangers midfield.

15:00 - 16:00 Holby City
This weeks episode: 'Hypocondriac'. Christian Malingerer is admitted for another hamstring injury sustained playing pool/golf with his mates, but discharges himself immediately when he realises he's missing Tricia and Jerry Springer.

16:00 - 18:00 Film: End of Days Rangers' realisation that a the cow has been well and truly milked. It turns out that wild profligacy doesn't guarantee success.

18:00 - 19:00 Film 2004 Jonathan Ross reviews all the latest blockbuster movies. This week he takes a look at the new release staring Ohno Crampucho and Henning-around-for-the-money Berg in 'Grumpy old Men'.

19:00 - 20:00 I'm A Hun: Get Me Out Of Here!
Replay of the last Old Firm game from Celtic Park.

22:00 - 22:03 Attacking Highlights
All Rangers' attacking highlights from the first half of the Season