New signing will have European football pooping its pants

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Findlay Findlay

Rangers Chairman John McLelland has announced that the club has pulled off a sensational signing coup by managing to get French colossus Jean Pierre Boumbangabang to promise to come to Ibrox next summer.

The news has already sent shock waves reverberating all over Europe and definitely signals that Rangers are on the way back.

Boumbangabang is renowned throughout Auxerre as the man who has almost single-handedly taken the provincial French club straight to the top of the middle half of the league and his manager, Guy Roux, has admitted that the player is so essential to his future plans that he's letting him go.

Talking about his new capture boss Eck McLeish could hardly contain his excitement. "He's already an Ibrox legend," said Eck, "And I'm sure he'll be able

to follow in the footsteps of some of the other great players we have brought here from France, such as Basile Boli, Lionel Charbonnier and Stephane Guivar'che.

"He's eighteen feet tall, can leap tall buildings in a single bound and is faster than a speeding bullet. He can take corners while simultaneously running into the penalty area to head them into the net and he can see through walls.

"He'll also be able to play in several positions, which is exactly what he'll have to do because once we sell everybody we can get a few quid for the rest of the team will have to be made up of our experienced players, like Nuno, and some of our brilliant youngsters, such as wee Burky, wee Numpty and wee Humpty."

Chairman John McLelland was also enthusiastic about the deal. "We are delighted that a player like Boumbangabang has decided to join us, especially as he has given up the chance to play for all of the top European sides, such as AC Milan, Barcelona, Juventus and Akranes of Iceland. He even gave up the chance of joining Los Galacticos in Madrid to play for Los Calamitos in Kinning Park.

"As far as the business side of things goes, we get him for nothing on a Bosman, he'll be signing a forty year contract at £97,000 an hour and, if things go well, we'll be selling him for £70 million and all our debt gets wiped out in the blink of an eye. It's a fiendishly cunning plan and I'm surprised that it has taken our contracts manager, J. Baldric, so long to think of it."

Jaques Tati is 86.