Lorenzo departs- a nation mourns

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Findlay Findlay

A tearful Lorenzo Amoruso last night revealed his heartbreak to the Rangers fans as he bid an emotional farewell to the cash-strapped Glasgow giants.

Holding a peeled onion to his eye - just one ingredient in many of his recipes, available in his cookery book entitled "Lorenzo: A Recipe For Disaster" - the tight lipped and ashen faced defender wiped his tears and said, "I am so sad my contract with Rangers is finished. I will never get another contract with wages like I had here."

Amoruso had earlier cried a veritable ocean of tears during his final training session at Murray Park, where he bade another hugely emotional farewell to his Rangers team mates, some of whom were also openly weeping at the thought of their own wages about to be slashed, as well as several fans who had turned up to see him

practice his famous free kicks for the last time and who were being taken to the Southern General in a fleet of ambulances after being knocked off the high branches of the trees they had chosen as vantage points by Lorenzo piledrivers.

"I made many friends while I was in Glasgow," sobbed Amoruso through the tears, "But they were very few in number compared with the amount of money I made. My friends will always be in my heart but my money will always be in bank account.

"I was the first Catholic to be captain of Rangers and the Rangers supporters never let me forget it... especially when I made a cock up against Celtic. They often made me feel very special. I would often hear some of them shout from the Copland Road Stand, 'Lorenzo, you're a very special fenian bastard.'

"I thank the supporters here from the bottom of my wallet for the many happy pounds they have given me. I know that I'll be back to watch an Old Firm game and I hope whoever takes my place does as well as me against Celtic, and let's face it, so do the Celtic fans."

Amoruso's transfer to Blackburn went ahead despite a last minute hitch at his medical when Chick Young had to be extracted from the Italian's sphincter.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Archie McBooze

Rangers Chairman John Halloweencakeheid has officially announced the launch of the cash-strapped Ibrox club's new anti-bigotry initiative from the marble staircase leading to David Murray's Fuhrerbunker deep underneath Murray Park.

Entitled "Sense Over Sectarianism", this latest attempt at ridding the Glasgow giants of unwanted headlines concerning their lack of cash (surely 'the last vestiges of a bigoted history'? ed) features the Blue Guide, which states that from now on Ibrox will be a touchy feely place fit for families, and not just the Addams Family or the Munsters.

McLelland said, "We want Ibrox to be a place where everybody will respect opposing fans and players regardless of race, religious beliefs or country of origin and where the only songs sung will be traditional club songs which celebrate Rangers' history instead of bigoted and obscene chants and where if fans click their ruby slippers three times they will wind up back in Kansas."

Other initiatives coming soon include: Count Dracula launching "Necks Over Necrophilia", a campaign to stop vampires drinking blood, Shane McGowan fronting a poster campaign discouraging alcohol abuse and Frank McAvennie delivering the keynote speech at National Celibacy Week.

the new official song book

In order to comply with the Blue Guide Rangers have published a new song book to encourage their supporters to stop singing offensive songs.

Among the updated versions of old terracing favourites are:

Borrow Borrow
Borrow borrow we will borrow millions,
Anywhere, everywhere, we will borrow on.
Dundee, Hamilton, we'd even tap the Vatican,
If we go to Dublin we will borrow there

For there's not a Bank like the Bank of Scotland
No not one and there never shall be one,
The Bank Manager knows about our troubles,
We'll sell, sell, sell 'til there's no one left,
For there's not a Bank like the Bank of Scotland
No not one and there never shall be one

Up To Our Knees in Debt
Hello Hello we're 70 million in debt, Hello Hello we're not insolvent yet, We're up to our knees in Murray's debt
Sell players or we'll die
For we are the poorest club in Scotland.

Derry's Overdraft
Altogether now,
the cry was no more spending
No more spending or we'll die, die, die,
With cap in hand and millions owed, We'd sell Old Derry's walls

Other adaptations include, 'The Balance is Red' instead of 'The Bluebells are Blue' and 'Our Cheques Are Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy.'