Fans in fury over training complex plans

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Findlay Findlay

News that Glasgow City Council are to build a football training facility near Celtic Park has provoked a storm of protest from Rangers supporters who accuse the council of favouritism.

Reports in today's newspapers claim that the council has reached an agreement with Celtic allowing them to use the training complex along with local groups and individuals. Rangers, of course, already have a super new £14m state-of-the-art training facility at Murray Park (see articles and pictures on pages 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 etc.).

So incensed are Rangers supporters that some are threatening to launch a campaign of council tax non-payment. 'This is a criminal waste of money,' said one unhappy supporter who did not wanted to be named. 'Why should Rangers supporters fund a facility aimed to promote the success of a counter-Reformation and Popish idolatry club? The council should stop this favouritism! It's clearly living in the past. I've a good mind to start paying my council tax so I can withhold it.'

Messages posted to Rangers internet messageboards were equally hostile. One contributor insisted that the actions of the council were an indication that a plan was afoot to murder every Rangers supporter in their beds. 'They think we're unaware of their nefarious scheme,' declared one Geronimo Gubb of Govan. 'But we know what is afoot. This is nothing more than the latest act of sadistic oppression from the malevolent forces of the anti-Christ in Rome! It's building training centres today, it'll be huge laser beams that will zap us from disguised clouds tomorrow and swarms of trained killer bees the day after that!'

Big hearted Gers launch charity fund

EXCLUSIVE
by Findlay Donald

New Rangers supremo John McLelland yesterday announced the foundation of a new Rangers charity fund.

Pulling a peeled onion from his pocket and holding it to his face, a tearful McLelland told the press, 'In today's world there are lots of people less well off than David Murray, so we have started this charity foundation to help those in dire need of money, especially over the Christmas period. We are especially keen to help out famous old football clubs who have fallen on hard times, particularly ones whose name starts with the letter 'R' who play in blue strips and have just built state of the art training complexes at Auchenhowie.

If anyone out there has any spare money, they can give it to us and we'll see that it's well spent. We'll even put your name on a brick so you can have a receipt.'

Charles Dickens is 154.

lots of new signings on the way soon

EXCLUSIVE
by Archie McBooze

The announcement by Alex McLeish yesterday that he will not be making a swoop for Dundee United's star striker Steven Thompson when the transfer window reopens in January must surely mean that big Eck has his eye on more big name continental stars to boost Rangers' title challenge.

Thompson, who has shot straight to the bottom half of the middle of the goalscoring charts this season thanks to some scintillating performances for eleventh place United, was reportedly available to buy from the cash-strapped Tannadice club for £27.50 plus VAT. However, McLeish was surely having a laugh at the expense of reporters when he announced that he would not be making a new year move for the player because the Ibrox millionaires had no money to spend on players. 'It's true, we will not be signing Steven Thompson when the transfer window reopens. The problem is that we can't get a work permit for him.'

When it was pointed out to Eck that the player didn't need a work permit because he is Scottish, the Rangers boss replied that it was not possible to contact the player's agent and that there were immense bureaucratic difficulties hindering a transfer.

'The bureaucratic difficulty is we're skint', he said, which can surely only mean that Ronaldo is on his way to Ibrox.