Dick bows out in blaze of glory

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Findlay Findlay

The football world was rocked to its very foundations yesterday when honorary chairman David Murray announced from atop the hallowed marble staircase at Ibrox that Dick Advocaat was being stepped down by the bank manager (surely stepping down from his position of... er... what did he do? confused ed).

Pulling a peeled onion from his pocket and holding it up to his face, a tearful Ibrox supremo bade a moving farewell to a crippling salary bill of nearly a million pounds a year (surely bade farewell to a loyal and successful servant of the club? flabbergasted ed) particularly as he was moving Advocaat's wages elsewhere.

Paying tribute to the departing legend Murray said, "Dick has had such an influence in his time here that at times I've felt as though he's everywhere, as if I'm surrounded by Dicks... which I probably am. He was so influential in forcing me to build a training ground that I was tempted to give in to his suggestion and name it the Dickdome, but perhaps we might just rename Ibrox that one day."

In response to suggestions that Advocaat was somewhat underemployed since the advent of Alex McLeish, Murray replied, "Dick's role at this club was absolutely essential. It is absolutely integral to the modern structure we put in place a few months ago at this club that we have somebody doing this job. Which is why we'll be acting straight away to make sure we don't appoint anybody else in his place."

Paying tribute to Advocaat's work since McLeish took over as manager Murray continued, "Since he moved upstairs Dick has transformed the place. New curtains, new carpets, the lot."

Murray went on to counter suggestions that Advocaat had been shuffled out the door in a desperate attempt to save money. "No, it's quite simple", said the Ibrox supremo. "Dick wants to devote his energy to making sure the boys in orange are successful. But we can't afford him so he's going to manage Holland."

Mr. Murray concluded yesterday's press conference by inserting pencils up his nostrils, placing a pair of y-fronts on his head and reiterating his announcement of last month that he is ready to write a cheque for millions of pounds should its financial predicament ever become desperate. "For every fiver Celtic spend", he said, "We will double it, half it then take away the number you first thought of."

OTHER PAGES
Murray Park - latest pictures pages 4,5,6
Inside Murray Park - exclusive pages 7,8,9
More stuff about Murray - all the rest

More good news for gers on financial front

EXCLUSIVE
by Findlay Donald

Rangers supremo David Murray announced that while Rangers' latest financial figures show that the club's debt has now reached the same level as Guatemala's, he is confident that the Ibrox club can look to the financial future with confidence. "We have several new revenue sources about to come on stream and once these start bringing in money we should once again be in a a position to start buying the likes of Peter van Vossen, Daniel Prodan and Christian Nerlinger again."

Replacing a peeled onion in his pocket, the Ibrox millionaire went on to announce that in fact, far from losing money, the club has been saving money and is looking to expand its international operations. "We have saved over £2 billion by arresting three market traders in Thailand who were selling counterfeit Rangers ladies knickers (available in XL, XXL or Andy Goram sizes) and we are now looking to open another burger van at the Copland Road end. This should bring another three or four million pounds a year. In addition to this we are working on other commercial enterprises based at our luxury training facility at Murray Park. For example, 'Bath With Bazza' where fans can pay £35 to have a bath with Barry Ferguson is proving very popular with fans who like to bathe, which in our case isn't too many admittedly. (continued on page 94)"

More bad news for Celtic

EXCLUSIVE
by Archie McBooze

As I have been saying for the last four years in my exclusive column, Henrik Larsson is hopeless and Celtic should now be trying their hardest to sell him, or at the very least give him a very long spell in the reserves both for his own good and for the good of Rangers.

His latest spell of bad form, which has seen him miss chances that Harald Brattbakk would have put away in his sleep, has seen him plummet straight to the top of the goalscoring table with a miserable nine goals in ten games.

It is clearly time for me to have my medication.