today Ibrox: tomorrow the world

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By OWEN FRIEL

Rangers 'forward thinking' youth policy has been applauded (mainly by Rangers) as being one of the most advanced in Europe but controversy erupted yesterday when it was revealed that Dick Advocaat intended to use his own sperm to produce the next crop of Rangers youngsters.

Mr. Advocaat refuted the allegations of our columnist Archie McBooze that this was an act of megalomania and claimed that his unprecedented course of action - the first sign of any action from him since he took his role of Overseer and Grand High Wizard of All Things Football at Ibrox - was due to the fact 'The Ned Creche' that produced the current crop of Rangers youngsters was "fundamentally flawed... a bit like our players actually".

The Little General, who is diminishing in stature almost by the day, conceded that the 'Ned Creche' had produced Barry Ferguson who has acted as Rangers Captain but that it also led to what can only be described as recidivist behaviour such as street brawling and throwing things about in a tantrum because his team were losing.

This has further fuelled speculation that Ferguson was given the coveted captain's armband because he threatened to scream and scream until he made himself sick.

Advocaat has so far refused demands that the new Rangers embryo factory, which is located in a fallout-proof bunker deep beneath Murray Park, uses all Scottish genetic material and his selfless gesture of selling his own spermatozoa to the club for a nominal fee and his own TV channel was described by his good friend David Murray as "a kind hearted gesture".

These revelations shed light on the question asked at Rangers AGM why Rangers expenses sheets submitted to the shareholders contained invoices for 500 test tubes, 500 baby bottles, 4000 gallons of Nandrolone and the price of placing a personal ad in the Rotterdam and Amsterdam Evening Times for men with an IQ of at least 30 with 2 feet and at least an NVQ or equivalent in craft and design to submit donations to breed "a better class of Rangers footballer".

Doctor Mengele is 103.