Rangers announce new manager

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By FINDLAY DONALD

Sitting in front of a giant mural depicting Celtic pressing forward to score another goal at Ibrox, Rangers Chairman David Murray announced to a waiting media yesterday the identity of the man who is poised to take the Ibrox giants to hitherto unimaginable levels of mediocrity in Scottish football.

Plucked from under the very noses of a host of major clubs who were waiting until McLeish got the sack from Easter Road in a few months, among them Raith Rovers, East Stirlingshire and Montrose, Alex McLeish is the man who will take over from Dick Advocaat and the former Hibs boss was adamant that there would be no conflict of interest with the Dutchman and that he was going to do the Rangers job his own way. "I am just as capable of getting bad results for this club as Dick has been in the last couple of years", said a defiant McLeish.

"I am looking forward to working with Dick and learning from him. Especially from the appalling mistakes he has made which have cost the lovely Mr.Murray so much money recently", said McLeish, whose chest was swelling with pride and whose head was beginning to swell with delusions of adequacy.

The new manager paused only briefly to gaze at a mural depicting all the previous managers of Rangers, muttering almost silently as he did so "Good guy, good guy..."

On his role as first team coach he was quite clear. "Dick and I will probably discuss tictacs before the game but when the team runs out on to the pitch it's up to me"

When asked if he meant 'tactics' he replied that the decision about whether to chew gum or eat low calorie breath freshening mints was a very important one and not one that he felt able to take alone at this point in his managerial career without some advice from Advocaat.

"If Dick sees a player he thinks is good and recommends him to me you can rest assured that I won't be going anywhere near him. We've hardly enough places on the treatment table as it is."

Advocaat himself sat beside McLeish as he handed over his legacy to his protege, which includes a place in the last 16 of the UEFA Cup, a yawning chasm of a gap between Rangers and Celtic at the top of the league, a wage bill that would bankrupt a small industrial nation for players who don't actually play, and Bert Konterman.

Advocaat will now move upstairs to his new job. According to David Murray it is easier to see the car park from upstairs.

Advocaat's assistants Bert van Lingen and Jan Wouters will be invited to move under the stairs where they will find a cupboard full of brushes, mops, Flash, Harpic and other household cleaning implements.

Murray himself was upbeat about his new appointments: "This is not a gamble. Alex is a manager who is used to working at the very top of the bottom four in the league. Both Alex and his assistant, that other bloke, will be given as much time as he needs to start beating Celtic, whether that's three, four or even five months.

"He is a young manager who will improve in the Premier League because, let's face it, until now there have only been three worse than him all season. He can't get much worse.

"Naturally a lot of Hibs fans will be unhappy to see him leave but I'm sure that even they will understand that they are in a minority in comparison to the ones who are glad to see the back of him."

The official party then left the press conference and greeted the massive crowd of six lager louts, three OAPs and a Labrador called Billy who had gathered outside on a freezing cold night to catch a glimpse of the new boss.

"This is a great appointment", said a taxi driver, "For Celtic."