UEFA Cup shocker

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Archie McBooze

Anzhi Makhachkala were handed a terrifying trip to hell after being paired with Rangers in the draw for the first round of the Consolation Cup.

The Dagestani side will have to travel to Kinning Park where a most dangerous welcome awaits them.

Club security chief Ivan Kalashnikov admitted he didn't know much about their Scottish opponents, other than the fact that they're not very good. "I know everybody in Scotland calls their fans the Huns, that they are infamous for hanging out their 'Welcome to Kinning Park' banners and that their players have been known to attack people in kebab shops. But hand grenades are available

in Dagestan for 20p a dozen. I'm sure our fans will be able to look after themselves, although they will obviously have to be careful if they are going for takeaway food."

A spokesman for the Dagestan Foreign Office said, "Our advice to anyone thinking of travelling to this match is simple. We warn them not to go."

Champions League draw announced

GROUP A
Not Rangers

GROUP B
No Rangers here either

GROUP C
No, sorry

GROUP D
Try again

GROUP E
Try the UEFA Cup

GROUP F
(right we get the joke, that's enough groups - ed)

INSIDE YOUR SUPER SOARAWAY BUGLE:
New Rangers injuries - see the pictures pages 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 etc
Latest offer from the Striker of the Month Club - page 94
Dick - "My European record is ecxellent, it's Abba's Greatest Hits" - full story page 65