Ibrox drug den shocker

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Archie McBooze

Supporters of Rangers Football Club the length and breadth of the country were today left to survey the wreckage of a season that has left the club's reputation blown apart by accusations of drug taking among the Ibrox club's Dutch contingent.

No less than seven of Dick Advocaat's Dutch colony have apparently tested positive for the hitherto little known substance Hundrolone.

This performance reducing substance is thought to be on FIFA's list of performance reducing substances, and many fans now believe that it was responsible for a number of Rangers' miserable performances last season.

Fans' spokesman William Goathead said yesterday, "My suspicions were aroused when we got hammered at Parkhead in the first derby game. The Dutch players just didn't rise to the occasion... or any crosses either come to think of it. Hundralone has clearly got to the team."

Which still doesn't explain Bert Konterman.

Alasdair Crowley is 87.

gers open training pitch

EXCLUSIVE
by Findlay Findlay

David Murray deserves all the praise in the world for opening a new training ground for Rangers. Modestly called 2The David Murray Training Pitch", this is no ordinary training pitch.

Thanks to David Murray, the grass is simply superbly grassy.

Not only that, but the lines on the grass are magnificently... er... white.

The water that comes out of the showers is the most watery water I've ever seen, while the pegs in the changing rooms are the peggiest state of the art pegs in Europe.

(continued on pages 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 etc etc)

Why we're backing Rangers for the league

Bugle editorial
by Findlay Donald

Celtic might have won everything last season but we at the Bugle Sports section are convinced that the Gers are about to come roaring straight back at them, and here are the three main reasons why I think Rangers will win the SPL in 2002:

1. They have opened a new training ground.

2. er

3. That's it.

Is that enough? Can I have my cheque now?

Dick: "New training pitch is like signing a new player"

Rangers supremo Dick Advocaat insisted yesterday that opening the club's new training pitch will be the equivalent of signing a new player.

"It is quite simple", said Advocaat, "If you look at some of the players we have signed recently you will see that they are similar to a large playing field because they don't move very fast and they need a haircut now and again."

Percy Thrower is 96.

new Rangers album in the shops now

David Murray urged all Rangers fans to put the disappointments of last season behind them by rushing out to buy the new Rangers album, available in the shops now.

Entitled "Now That's What I Call Hunnery vol 1690", it features all the fans' favourites, including Simply The Second Best, The Cry Was No Defenders and As I Was Greetin Down The Copland Road.

It also includes a tribute to Dick Advocaat's Dutch master called Turnips From Amsterdam.

a spokesman for HMV said yesterday, "If sales of this record don't start picking up soon the hole in the middle will start to heal up."

Pete Waterman is 73