Murray bows out in blaze of glory

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Archie McBooze

The football world was rocked to its very foundations yesterday when it was announced from atop the hallowed marble staircase at Ibrox that David Murray is being stepped down by the bank manager (surely stepping down as Chairman of Rangers? horrified ed).

Pulling a peeled onion from his pocket and holding it up to his face, a tearful Ibrox supremo bade farewell to taking the flack for increasingly poor performances on the field and with regard to the club's spiralling debt (surely bade farewell to having to deal with boring chairmen from other clubs? flabbergasted ed).

"I just don't want to become a dinosaur", said a clearly moved Murray, as he moved closer to the door marked 'emergency exit'. "Dinosaurs have extremely large bodies and very small brains", he said, "Just like lots of our supporters in fact."

"Another reason for leaving now is that I've just not got enough time to do the things I have to do. The other day it took me two hours to extract four Daily Record journalists from my rectum."

Although he has handed on the running away from creditors (surely running of the club? worried ed) to his successor, successful Glasgow businessman John Halloweencakeheid, Murray has promised that his personal squillions will always be there if the cash-strapped Ibrox club need them. "All they have to do is call me", said Murray, "But I don't imagine that's going to happen. Besides, I won't be in.

" If John Halloweencakeheid ever needs any advice about servicing the £50 million tab I've run up all he has to do is pick up the phone and call the Samaritans. I am leaving this club in a very healthy financial state. The £50 million debt will be wiped out in six weeks now that we are making our own strips in our own Taiwanese sweat shops. Rangers is a global brand name, famous throughout the Kinning Park area and parts of Belfast. All John has to do is sell more bricks and official Rangers God Save the Queen hot dogs."

Murray leaves behind him a successful string of sycophantic articles in the papers (surely trophy-laden years? distraught ed) and the legacy of Murray Park.

Already the £14 million complex is paying dividends. Young players are coming into the Rangers first team at the rate of five every twenty minutes, injuries are being healed almost half an hour before they've even happened and there are coachloads of continental superstars turning up there every weekday simply to marvel at the facilities on offer. Having been shown around this veritable Disneyland of training grounds, the continental stars are then having to form orderly queues in order to sign for Rangers.

"We will have to bring on our own talent from now on", explained Murray. "Not because we don't have any money but because we're skint."

The Bugle hotline was inundated with calls last night from journalists who had just heard the news. "It's a sad day for Scottish football", said caller A.McBooze (57), "Mr. Murray had class. He even had corks in his wine bottles."

T. Dan Smith is 97