Hearts announce more sackings

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Findlay Donald

Heart of Midlothian Football Club today announced that they have sacked all their fans.

The Hearts support, who joined the club in 1874, were dismissed by owner Vladimir Romanov after a series of poor results.

A statement issued on behalf of Mr Romanov, who from the end of the season will be known as Club President, said: "We have been disappointed with the performance of the fans. Results were not what they should have been.

"The way in which some events were discussed by the paying support was disappointing to us. It has been made clear that the only statement that is appropriate for the supporters to make is the mindless chanting of the words: 'I believe'. Genuflection to the club President is also appropriate."

.Mr Romanov, who from the end of next season will be known as Tsar of All The Russias and Empress of India, added: "I'd like to thank the Hearts support for all its hard work. It gave 100%, but ultimately it did not work out. Vladimir Romanov and the club's management felt that something had to be done quickly. We owed it to our delusions."

Why there can only be one choice for manager of the year

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Yick Cheung

When the dust has finally settled on another SPL campaign there can surely only be one obvious choice for manager of the year.

above: engineers putting the finishing touches to Hearts' new manager

He then outlined ambitious plans for the club to win the Champion's League, lift the World Cup and put a man on Mars by 2007 - probably Stephen Pressley.

In the interim, the support will be replaced by 'caretaker fans' - cloned members of the Romanov family who have been trained to burl scarves and ask no questions.

A spokesman for the Hearts Supports Support Group, Mr A N Gunt-Romanov, said: "I believe."

Disgruntled Hearts fans gathering outside Tynecastle were offered an attractive array of one, two and three-bedroom luxury apartments from £120,000.

My vote, and those of many like me, will be going to a man who has almost single handedly revived the flagging morale of a group of men many say were going nowhere until a few short weeks ago.

Paul le Guen is my choice, narrowly ahead of Jim Jefferies. Were it not for the Frenchman coming I don't know what the Laptop Loyal were going to write about during the off-season.

This introspective Frenchman... Lyon... three titles... Canal Plus... Rangers videos... Murray Park... War chest... private jet... David Murray... succulent lamb... fine claret.

An Ibrox insider has reliably informed me that Le Guen is close to landing nearly every target on his wish list which could see a Rangers line up next season similar to the one below.