ntv survey 2003

"What's this", we hear you cry, "Is it already time for another of your in-depth reader surveys which are, let's face it, little more than excuses to wind up the Huns and have a good moan?"

Well, yes it is. It's been three years since the last one and a lot has happened in the meantime. The last time we did one of these King Kenny was just about to start a press conference... and order a round of drinks at the bar at the same time.

So, in the interests of genuine scientific research, as well as indolent curiosity, we're asking you to stop letting the devil find work for those idle hands of yours during the off-season and fill out the answers to as many of these questions as you can be bothered.

As an added incentive we'll put all the completed replies into George of the Jungle's dandruff-infested bottle green Celtic tammy and draw out a lucky winner who'll get a voucher to spend in the Celtic Superstore.

Send completed surveys to the usual address. Don't forget to include your name and address.

1. In general, how do you feel about the direction the club is heading in under the stewardship of the present board of directors?

very happy 5%
reasonably happy 49%
not sure 18%
reservations 26%
serious reservations 8%

The Celtic board in its previous incarnation under Allan MacDonald could only point to a paltry 37% of NTV readers who would say that they were 'very happy' or 'reasonably happy' with the directors. But before the present lot start breaking open the bubbly on hearing the news that that figure has risen to 54% it must be pointed out that this survey was carried out just before the off-season. After the summer we've had it's extremely unlikely that this figure would be replicated if the same question was put to our readers today.

By comparison, the first time we carried out a survey was during the final years of the Bunnet's regime. McCann's board scored 73% on the 'very happy' clapometer and 25% on the 'reasonably happy' rippleometer. It's safe to say that Quinn and Co. have a long way to go before they are keeping 98% of the customers happy.

2. If you had to congratulate the board for one thing what would it be?

Martin O'Neill signing contract 51%
Appointing MON as manager 13%
Sensible financial strategy 13%

The vast majority of fans who wanted to congratulate the board for something (and there were quite a few who didn't want to congratulate them for anything) opted for getting OFM to sign on the dotted line, albeit after protracted negotiations that were giving 'The Mousetrap' a run for its money.

Their prudent approach to financing the club in these days of fiscal belt-tightening throughout the game also earned them a few pats on the back, as did their appointment of Martin O'Neill. Considering the latter was three years ago you'd be right in thinking that compliments were not exactly in abundance.

Other replies included, 'Backing the manager over the SPL's refusal to move the Rangers game at Ibrox in April', 'Holding the season ticket price increase to the rate of inflation' and 'Keeping Henrik Larsson.'

They also got some credit for Celtic's European run, although I have to confess the logic behind that escapes me. One reader, clearly suffering from a mental blank when it comes to wee Fergus, thought that they should be congratulated for 'saving us from going under', while another thought that the best thing the board have done recently is organise a pie-tasting conest for the new catering contract.

3. If you had to pick a bone with them what would it be about?

Lack of investment in team 36%
Training facilities/ youth academy 14%
Delay in concluding OFM's contract 9%
Seville ticket allocation 5%
Failure to maximise club's potential 5%

There were far more complaints than there were congratulations which, given the football team had such a tremendous run in Europe last season, ought to be a worrying sign for the board. Most centred round the perceived lack of investment in players and on the lack of top class training facilities and a youth academy. The board might point to the fact that they have sanctioned a net spending of £22 million on the playing staff in the last three years without having to release any of our star men to fund it but that's obviously not enough to mollify the majority of the fans.

Grumblings about the lack of facilities are easier to understand since this was supposed to have been addressed by the directors following the last share issue.

With regard to matters financial, criticism was levelled at the PlC's poor results as reported in the latest accounts as well as not getting enough money for Celtic's media rights, although it's difficult to see what they can do about that under present arrangements. Perhaps Dermot Desmond might care to expand on that point further when he takes the matter to court.

Apart from fiscal policy and team affairs there is definitely a feeling among the fans that the board are somewhat detached from the grass roots support. Comments ranged from the general ('supporters are treated with disdain') to the specific ('Open day my arse - stop fleecing the fans') and there was a distinct feeling that there was a lack of communication between the directors and the ordinary investors and season ticket holders.

What? Are pie-eating focus groups and Pravda not enough for you?

4. If you could ask a question at the next Celtic AGM what would it be?

Answers included: What has happened to the share price?
Will you answer the questions without fudging this year?
How much money do we give to charity?
What exactly are the benefits of being a shareholder?
Why can we not organise a singing section inside the stadium?
Will you back Martin O'Neill with money for new players?
Why were no funds made available for players during the January transfer window?
What are your ambitions for the club?
How hard are you working to get us out of the SPL?
If the English Premiership is out of the question why are not really pushing for a European League? There are lots of 2 and 3 team leagues who would be interested.
Why no transfer money following the UEFA Cup run?
How are you developing Celtic as a global brand?
Where is all the money going?
When will the South Stand be redeveloped?
If the fans have a percentage of the shareholding why do we not have a representative on the board?
Why no smoking in the stands which are made of concrete and steel? (Try asking this while blowing smoke in somebody's face at the same time)
Is there likely to be another share issue?
When will the players get top class training facilities?
Where is the youth academy you promised?
How can you justify the cost of season tickets to ordinary supporters?
Quo vadis?
Is that not enough questions? (ed)

5. Use the following scale to rate each of the categories below:
1= Very happy
2= Reasonably happy
3= Indifferent
4= Quite unhappy
5= Very unhappy

Atmosphere for SPL/ domestic fixtures
Atmosphere at big matches/ European games
Stadium catering
Approaches to the stadium
Transport links to the stadium
Celtic's ticketing policy
Others

The big winner here was the atmosphere at big games which got an almost unanimous 1 rating. Contrast that with the atmosphere at SPL fixtures. Only 14% gave this a 1 while 48% of those who replied gave it a 4 or 5.

Anybody taking their car to Celtic Park will know only too well that the combination of a shortage of parking spaces near the stadium together with occasional purges by the Blue Meanies and the close attention of the ubiquitous 'Watch yer motor mister' street urchins all add up to a mostly fraught experience.

Why not use public transport then? Not only would you be doing your bit for the environment it would save you having to moan about the aforementioned. The answer possibly lies with the 68% of readers who were unhappy about transport links to Parkhead. There are not enough extra buses laid on to take the biggest part of a 60,000 crowd into the city centre while the new station that was being mentioned a few years ago seems to have been returned to Ian MacLeod's Hornby train set box. We've been mumping about this for years. Surely it's time this was looked at properly by the board.

Despite the introduction of culinary delights such as taste-free pizzas and hot dogs which are slightly less appetizing than their polystyrene containers, attitudes to Celtic's catering are probably best summed up by the reader who asked why we were still being subjected to 'death burgers and coronary pies'.

As usual, the club's ticket policy did not do well, scoring 1 or 2 with a mere 19% of customers. Another area which needs attention... but quick.

6. What do you think can practically be done to improve the atmosphere inside Celtic Park?

Terracing/ singing section 29%
Join a better league 12%
Let people relocate beside friends 7%
Celtic band 5%

The consensus seems to be that if Celtic played a better standard of opposition then the atmosphere would improve as a matter of course. Play better football and the fans will do their bit. One suggestion was that the opposition should be allowed some kind of handicap, like a goal of a start, in order to encourage them to cross the halfway line - although to me that would be more likely to have the opposite effect.

The most popular single suggestion was for the club to introduce some kind of terracing or singing section complete with banners, flags and all the rest of the stuff that has more or less been banned by the football authorities in this country just in case football supporters start enjoying themselves too much. 'Put everybody aged 16-25 in the one section', said a helpful reader, 'They're all mad at that age.' Let the fans organise what goes on inside our own stadium and give us a PA system the way they do in Italy (the last thing the guy sitting two rows in front of me is a megaphone). Not only would the atmosphere improve but you'd get great entertainment watching the directors all having heart-attacks at the thought of not being in control.

Other suggestions for improving the mood included locking the gates at half-time and not opening them again until the final whistle, building a bigger South Stand and keeping Scotland's Keepy-Up King well away from Celtic Park.

In addition to all that, stop people bringing their girlfriends to the football (who says we haven't progressed as a species since the days of hairy mammoths?), play every league game on a Saturday afternoon and give away free alcohol. If that doesn't get the party going with a swing then nothing will.

7. The club have tried an assortment of pre-match and half-time over the years. Which of these would you like to see more or less of?

The only options which were even remotely considered seriously were live bands, community singing and 7-a-side games. The possibility of resurrecting the infamous Hampden Stars In Their Eyes wannabes was given a massive thumbs-down. Having a raffle draw on the pitch at half-time and applauding somebody for having the skill to buy the winning ticket still looks as if it will continue to be our only source of amusement for quite some time.

8. Using the same scale as question 5, what do think of the offerings on the giant screens? (assuming they're working)

Celtic's big screen offerings were given a 1 rating by a massive 3% of replies. 'Too much of a sales pitch' was one complaint.

9. If none of the above, what would you like to see happening on the pitch at half-time?

More mundane suggestions tended towards the traditional penalty shoot-outs but one particularly devout reader advocated a half-time rosary. Could be an option if losing to the Huns in an Old Firm game but not much use against the likes of Porto or Juventus I wouldn't have thought.

You couldn't fail to be enraptured by 'groundsmen replacing divots' (for years this WAS the half-time entertainment) but if the groundstaff were to take a more active role in proceedings then perhaps they could take up the suggestion that they 'brandish their pitchforks in the direction of fans and encourage them to sing and support the team!'

The slabbering voyeurs were once again in good form, promoting the attractions of a fine selection of live soft porn, including: celebrity nude olympics (starring Frank Carson and Gerry Marsden?), go-go dancers, attractive young women cheerleaders in skimpy lycra outfits, naked women (that's all it said) and 'Copenhagen cheerleaders from Seville'. Somebody offered 'cheerleaders like the Claymores', but I'm afraid the thought of a twenty stone muscle-bound thug in a leotard does nothing for me.

If none of these ideas floats your boat then maybe you might while away the fifteen minute interval watching 'Huns being fed to lions', 'Ritual burning at the stake of referees', 'public flogging of press reporters' or 'Bobo in a boxing ring with a different ex-Rangers player every week... particularly Ally McCoist.'

10. Rate the players using the following scale:
1= Indispensable
2= Useful squad player
3= Jury's still out
4= Slightly better than a man short
5= Taxi!

In order of merit
1= Henke 1.00
1= Bobo 1.00
2 Thompson 1.19
3 Sutton 1.24
4 Hartson 1.29
5 Lambert 1.37
6 Petrov 1.44
7 Maloney 1.71
8 Valgaeren 1.73
9 Lennon 1.78
10 Agathe 1.86
11 Mjallby 1.97
12 Douglas 2.08
13 Broto 2.16
14 McNamara 2.16
15 Crainey 2.37
16 Laursen 2.40
17 Smith 2.60
18 Sylla 2.81
19 Hedman 3.16
20 Fernandez 3.40
21 Guppy 3.73
22 Petta 4.54

There was no need to award The King Of Kings a score this year, but he was joined at the top by Bobo, who got 100% top marks. Not much of a surprise at the other end of the table either with Bobby Petta emerging as this year's booby prize.

Three players managed every rating from 1-5, namely Valgaeren, Smith and Crainey. Seems that some of you swear by them and some just swear about them.

11. Which player in the domestic game would you try to buy for Celtic?

James McFadden 29%
None/ very funny 16%
Fabian Caballero 13%
Iain Murray 8%
Georgi Nemsadze 8%
Nacho Novo 6%

With over a third of the total votes in this category James McFadden was a clear winner. This was, of course, before he eventually signed for Everton instead of his boyhood heroes and it suggests that the majority of Celtic fans considered him worthy of at least a serious bid. All the more so considering some of the other players that have been signed from Scottish clubs for similar transfer fees. Seeing the kind of form he's showing on Merseyside makes us hope that he's not going to be another of the ones that got away.

Interesting was the number of Dundee players featuring in our readers' shopping lists. Gavin Rae was another name that popped up more than once Other mentions went to Peter Canero (Kilmarnock), Kevin McKenna (Hearts), Gary O'Connor (Hibs) and Mark Kerr (Falkirk).

Only two Rangers players got a mention: Ronald de Boer (useful squad player maybe) and Barry Ferguson (he might just be taking the scenic route to Parkhead!).

12. Which international player would you attempt to buy?

Hakan Yakin 13%
Steve McManaman 7%
Ole Solskjaer 7%

The key word missing from the original question was 'realistically'. There were lots of players cited who would undoubtedly be challenging for a place on the bench at Parkhead (Pavel Nedved, Patrick Viera, Ronaldo, van Nistelrooy... insert your own world superstar here) but the name which appeared most often with the most realistic prospect of ever arriving at the Walfrid's revolving doors was the Swiss midfielder Hakan Yakin. There was one reply which simply said 'nobody'. We think it must have been sent in by Brian Quinn.

13. Which of the current Celtic squad would you cash in on now?

Chris Sutton 13%
Stilian Petrov 11%
Joos Valgaeren 11%
Magnus Hedman 3%
Johan Mjallby 2%

Most of the players got a mention in this category, for different reasons. Even Henke was quoted, and you can see why getting a few quid for him rather than let him play out his contract might be an attractive option - but only if you suffer from terminal accountancy.

The players listed above are probably those who would realise most cash in the present transfer market, although there was definitely a sizeable body of opinion which advocated selling none of the first team squad but building a stronger pool of players around them. Thankfully, unlike at Ibrox, it looks as if the club are able to do that, at least for the time being.

14. Rank our top three players last season:

1. Henrik Larsson
2. Bobo Balde 3.
Allan Thompson

No real surprises here. After those three came Hartson and Lambert and apart from those mentioned there were votes for Valgaeren, Patrov and Sutton.

15. Apart from Rangers, which Scottish team would you like to see disappearing into a black hole?

Hearts 43%
Motherwell 34%
Dunfermline 9%

Hearts once again come out on top in this category, and there's no prizes either for guessing why. Anyone who has visited Tynecastle in recent seasons will know that the attitudes of its inhabitants when Celtic come to town are spookily remiscent of the Death Star. 'Bigoted, lunatic supporters' and 'More Hunnic than the Huns' seems to be the concensus as far as the Gorgie Gargoyles are concerned.

Motherwell have never been popular and usually manage to feature somewhere whenever this question is posed. Along with the open mindlessness of a section of the local supporters there is the element of thuggery from their players which helps them establish their place firmly in the leper colony of Scottish football. If Motherwell were to disappear into a black hole it might help reduce the risk of careers being shortened unneccesarily. 'Hooligans in football boots', said one correspondent. 'They're shite,' said another.

16. Apart from Celtic, which other Scottish team would you support if they were playing in Europe?

Livingston 28%
Dundee 15%
Everybody except Rangers 12%
Hibs 10%

Livingston and Hibs are pretty consistent, even though support for the Lions has shot up by about 20% since the last time we did a survey, perhaps as a result of not being afraid to publicly back Celtic during last season's Ibrox fixture fiasco. It was also mentioned in despatches for being one of the few places where they don't sing the Billy Boys tune.

As for the team in second place, reasons given for this strange 'Celtic fans like Dundee' phonomemon were that they play good football and they have a personable manager in Jim Duffy. They were also noted as moving the game forward a day towards the end of last season in order to give Celtic more time to prepared for Seville.

Most Premier League sides got a mention (even Hearts, although the reason given was that the person's wife was a Jambo and he was practically forced to) and Partick Thistle and Albion Rovers were nominated, even though their appearances in Europe have been confined to 'It's A Knockout' style competitions in recent years.

One reader said that he would support Port Glasgow in Europe because 'They drink El D', which may or may not be a revelation to the Junior side's coach.

20. What is your favourite away ground?

Pittodrie 23%
Snake Mountain/ Mordor/ the Death Star/ Castle Greyskull 16%
Hampden 13%
Tynecastle 10%
Almondvale 10%

Pittodrie is still the most popular away trip on the fixture list thanks mainly to Aberdeen being 'a grand day out' as well as the sing-song and the good results up there in the frozen north in recent times.

Next in popularity is the Death Star, the Govan Shityard, Castle Greyskull, Planet Zonk... by whatever epithet you know it, its popularity as an away venue is down to the friendly rivalry of the opposition fans, the good-natured banter exchanged across the dividing lines of stewards and the warm welcome awaiting any Celtic fan who strolls into one of the local hostelries to discuss the match and raise a glass to the Beautiful Game. They even let you in with a beachball these days.

Hampden is only rated because of the importance of the fixtures there, not the stadium itself, while Tynecastle ('like going to Ibrox') and Pleasantville represent the ying and yang of away trips in the SPL.

Other grounds mentioned because of the absence of poisonous bigotry were Tannadice and Easter Road, the latter equally popular with one correspondent because of the close proximity of his favourite lap dancing establishment. Firhill was also quoted because of its 'great pies' and easy access to the West End.

17. Which is your favourite English team (if any)?

Manchester United 22%
Arsenal 15%
Manchester City 10%
West Ham 7%
Liverpool 7%
Everton 7%
Spurs 7%
Staleybridge Celtic 7%

Manchester United come out on top in this category once again followed by the usual favourites. New entries were Staleybridge Celtic - for obvious reasons - and Spurs - for unfathomable reasons.

Other votes went to Newcastle United ('once they get rid of their misogynist board'), Yeovil Town - resplendent this season in their green and white hoops - Leyton Orient, Sunderland, Leeds and Crewe. There was even one vote for Blackburn Rovers!

18. Which is you favourite Continental team?

Real Madrid 28%
Barcelona 16%
St. Pauli 16%
Athletic Bilbao 7%

Caudillo Franco's favourites Real Madrid take over from Barcelona while the diehard St. Pauli fans ensure that this is one of the few times the Hamburg club will be mentioned in the same sentence as the other two.

A large number of other clubs were quoted, including old favourites Dortmund, hooped brothers Sporting Lisbon, Ajax, Parma, Juventus, Inter, Boca Juniors and Finn Harps. Spot the odd one out there if you can.

19. Who were Celtic's most admirable opponents last season?

Dundee 26%
Celta Vigo 17%
Liverpool 17%
Stuttgart 13%
FC Basel 10%

Dundee get the vote here because they were one of the few teams in the SPL who attempted to give the paying punters a proper game of football instead of stringing eleven men across their own penalty box and hoping to limit the damage to a mild dent in the goals against column.

The others were all European opponents, although for the life of me I couldn't find much to admire about Celta Vigo's approach to the return leg in Galicia. Similarly with Porto, who managed one vote, possibly one of the more accomplished of Celtic's opponents but more likely to endear themselves to drama coaches than their football counterparts.

Other votes went to Suduva, Hibs, Hearts (??) and Blackburn Rovers. The SPL board also got a mention for their part in trying to win Rangers the league, while the Huns were quoted in this category by one reader on the grounds that, 'they made me laugh'.

21. Which football commentator/ pundit do you rate?

Graeme Speirs 29%
Rob McLean 12%
Jonathon Pearce 9%
Gordon Smith 6%

The most popular answer here was a rather predictable 'none', 'they're all shite' and umpteen variations on that theme.

Of those quoted, Graeme Speirs once again topped the pops by a mile to claim for himself the coveted accolade of 'The Hack The Tims Can Just About Tolerate'.

Other nominations included Paul Elliott, Andy Gray, Martin O'Neill, Peter Martin, Charlie Nicholas, Paul McCaffrey and Davie Provan. One reader nominated himself, one voted for the late Jimmy Sanderson and somebody thought that Sandy Clark is the Dude.

We left out the question about the general perception of the Scottish football media in the 2003 survey. Although they try and portray themselves as 'fans with typewriters' we felt that the mainstream Laptop Loyal had done nothing to slough off the description applied to them by one of our readers last time the question was put, namely 'arrogant, xenophobic, two-faced, parochial, arse-licking morons who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a typewriter', or, as another reader put it more succinctly, 'wankers'.

22. Who is the pundit from Hell?

Sandy Clark 15%
Gerry McNee 12%
Derek Johnstone 10%
Chick Young 10%

Spoilt for choice a bit here, and the second most popular response was 'all of them', but Sandy Clark just shades it. Insightful, erudite, witty and urbane; all of these are adjectives which could only be applied to Sandy by somebody under the influence of serious hallucinogenic substances. The most observant comment he has ever made is, 'Just two big lads going for the ball', and he apparently enjoyed it so much that he repeats it regular intervals whenever he is called upon to provide his unique version of 'expert analysis' of an SPL match.

Dribbling old fool Gerry McNee just refuses to go away while the other two have become national institutions - which is where they belong, in fact.

23. Which of the hacks would you like to see thrown to the Galatasaray fans?

Hugh Keevins 21%
Gerry McNee 12%
Mark Guidi 10%
Jim Traynor 10%

Yet again the most popular response was 'all of them', and most of the hacks managed at least one nomination in this category, but once again Bonkers distinguished himself, even amongst a motley crew which included Leckie, Baillie, King, Jackson, Grahame and the rest of them.

Now regarded as a harmless loony fast approaching his dotage (although some might argue that that happened many years ago) McNee has seen his place at the top of this particular tree eroded by Flanders who, believe it or not, once occupied a status now reserved for Graeme Speirs. Mind you, that was before Ned went to work for the Sunday Mail.

Not that you would wish any of the aforementioned on the Galatasaray fans. Come to think of it, if any of them were thrown to the Turkish supporters they wouldn't be long in throwing them back.

24. Referees: Who is the worst?

Hugh Dallas 29%
Mike McCurry 23%
Willie Young 12%
John Rowbotham 12%

Yes, we know, who's worse, Hitler or Stalin? However, a clear winner emerged and it will no doubt come as a shock to learn the identity of the man our readers thought was the worst referee in Scotland. It takes some doing to stand out from the crowd of Scottish referees as being even more identifiably antagonistic towards the Hoops than the rest, but Dallas has carried it off once again with aplomb. Nonetheless, there is a rival on the way, and if Mike McCurry continues to show last season's form it won't be long before he's vying for that special place in our hearts with the man from Bonkle.

Other mentions in this particular rogues gallery went to Kenny Clark, Dougie McDonald, John Underhill and the hapless Monsieur Colombo, the official who did his best to turn the Celta Vigo UEFA Cup tie at Celtic Park into a sketch from an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus.

and the best? (please try)

Pierluigi Collina 31%
Hugh Dallas 24%
Mike McCurry 14%
John Rowbotham 10%

This question simply didn't compute with a great many correspondents while others thought it was a trick. The easy option appeared to be to plump for the tall follically challenged Italian who officiated the UEFA Cup tie against Stuttgart. As for the others... I'm as baffled as anybody.

25. What did you think of the refs this season?

Better than usual 8%
The same as usual 63%
Worse than usual 29%

No surprise here either. For 'same as usual' read 'as bad as ever'.

26. Are you optimistic for the future?

Yes 91%
No 9%

Which just goes to show that despite everything, it's hard to keep the average Celtic fan's spirits low for too long. The last two or three seasons have shown us enough to have us believe that if we continue to make progress and can manage to keep OFM then, for once, this optimism might not be of the misplaced variety.

MANFRED LURKER

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