cloggers 2007

Hearts can dust off the open-topped ambulance and prepare for another limp of honour round Gorgie. With Livingston disappearing into the netherworld of the First Division, it came as little surprise to clogging connoisseurs that Hearts easily reclaimed the Golden Crutch and the coveted title of Scotland’s Dirtiest Bastards, last won by the Maroon Balloons in 2005.

The Gorgie Gargoyles’ inexorable push - and shove and trip - to the title saw them finish with a healthy 22 gap between themselves and runners-up Dunfermline, thanks in no small measure to an awesome tally of 629 fouls which means an opponent hit the deck approximately once every 5.4 minutes throughout the season.

Their final tally of 85 yellow cards was down on last year’s 92, but this was more than compensated for by the seven reds chipped in by Neilson, Tall, Goncalves, McCann, Brelier, Kingston, Pinilla and Mikoliunas. The last member of that motley crew actually managed to surpass Julian Brellier in the card stakes this season.

It’s hard to see past Rangers Lite retaining their crown in the campaign ahead, particularly as, amongst the plethora of Lithuanians they have on the books there they have somebody called Gediminas Vicius. Expect big things from him in the coming months, especially bruises on his opponents.

Relegated Dunfermline went down fighting (literally in some cases) and they made sure that plenty of the opposition came down as well with a highly creditable total of 92 yellow cards and 6 reds, a better card haul than last season’s winners Livingston. Had we not been counting fouls this year they would have limped off with the title themselves.

With Dunfermline away to face the likes of Alex Rae-inspired Dundee next season, Hubs might have been looking to mount some kind of challenge to the Cousins of William (most probably an illegal one). They improved on last year’s card tally by 18 yellows and an impressive 5 reds. Indeed their total of 9 reds was the best in this league and included two players who contributed more than one red card. However, both have since departed Easter Road, Sproule to England and Killen to Celtic Park. They have also lost significant scorers in Brown and Thomson so I expect that unless John Collins can unearth a psychopath in football boots to match the worst of the SPL’s threshing machines they will struggle to make an impact next season.

Making an impact is not something the players in the dirty dozen table found difficult, as several wingers will testify (once they get out of traction).

Hugh Murray of St. Mirren limps off with the individual title for 2007 with an accumulated points tally of 112, nearly a fifth of his team’s overall total. At the age of 73 and still playing in the SPL it’s perhaps fair to say that his timing was a bit out due to his glacier-like pace.

Leaving out fouls, a special mention has to be made for Iain Black of Inverness with 13 yellows and a red to his name. Surely with the departure of “The best shot stopper in the league” there’s a place for this guy in the next advert for the Scottish Sun’s football supplement: cut to windswept hillside representing the Highlands (although probably somewhere nearer Maryhill) and old Spey wife wearing ill-fitting Inverness replica top announcing to camera, “Well, Super Calley went ballistic, and we’ve got one of the Premier league’s real maniacs in Iain Black, with 13 yellows and a red... and if he doesn’t get you there’s Darren Dods...”

Another dismal year for Celtic, with only Neil Lennon showing any sort of form (9 yellows and a red is up there with Colin Nish) but I predict better things on the horizon as Lodge Park Gardens’ finest begin sharpening their pencils in anticipation of having the honour of being the first to send off Scott Brown/ Chris Killen/ Scott McDonald, Massimo Donati. Watch this space.

ROBBIE FOULER

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