the future is green

 

George of the Jungle, aka The Great Jungolio, gazes into his hairy palms, casts the runes over his tea-leaf-filled crystal ball and astrally projects humself into the sixth dimension to bring us his predictions for Season 2008 – 09.

 

August 2008

Re-arrangers claim August is too early to start the season. They have Champions League qualifiers to play and ask for the start of the season to be put back.
SFA spremo Gordon Smith backs Rangers and declares that the rest of European football will be laughing at how the Ibrox club are being treated.
In the traditional start of season tabloid headlines the fish wrappers run Celtic in crisis headlines as the Hoops lose several pre-season matches.
They then, in traditional manner, unanimously predict that Rangers under the management of the Loyal cardigan will win the Scottish treble, the Champions League and would have won Glasgow East if the bye election were held today.
Kenny Miller nearly scores for his new club.

September 2008
Re-arrangers ask for the season to be extended to allow them more time to get new players. Due to the credit crunch (ie they are skint) they couldn’t buy enough talented players before the transfer deadline on Aug 31st.
Gordon Smith offers to help the cash-strapped Kinning Park giants by organising a whip-round at the SFA.
Kenny Miller misses a good chance to score at Ibrox.

October 2008
Celtic remain unbeaten. Top of the SPL and top of their Champions League group having won away from home for the first time in this competition.
Scottish tabloids bemoan poor quality of Champions League.
Re-arrangers demand games should be cancelled and season extended as it is unfair they are asked to play when Barry Ferguson is out injured.
Gordon Smith announces that it is a disgrace that Scotland’s second biggest institution after Charlotte Church is being made to play games without one of its best players.
Kenny Miller has one of his best games ever in a Rangers jersey, finishing the match against Hamilton Accies just three goals short of his first hat-trick. Accies shade the game by 4 goals to nil.

November 2008
Re-arrangers ask for season extension as they need time to regroup following their exit from this season’s UEFA Cup.
Gordon Smith declares that he has every sympathy for the Kinning Park club and will be lobbying UEFA to make sure that in future all clubs whose name starts with R and ends in S get a bye to the UEFA Cup quarter-finals at least on the grounds that world football will be laughing at us.
David Murray announces a 75 Billion Zimbabwe dollar moonbeams redevelopment of Ibrox which will be so much bigger and better than 2008’s £750 milliom moonbeams
redevelopment of Ibrox. Scottish press hail him as an entreprenurial genius.
Meanwhile, Celtic power on.
With a game to spare the Hoops qualify for the Champions League last 16 for the 3rd consecutive year.
Fish wrappers blame this Celtic success on the influence of, ‘an unseen hand.’ Gordon smith agrees and goes on to suggest that the unseen hand is flicking an unseen vicky at one of Scotland’s most cherished institutions.
Kenny Miller hits the post at Ibrox.

December 2008
Re-arrangers ask for Christmas to be delayed to give them time to find three wise men down Ibrox way.
Gordon Smith backs the Rangers request and issues a statement to the effect that the SFA will arrange a meeting with David Murray to agree on a suitable date for Christmas in the future.
Celtic finish the year well clear at the top of the SPL and looking forward to a last 16 Champions League showdown with Real Madrid.
Kenny Miller scores for Rangers... only to see his effort disallowed for offside.

January 2009
Re-arrangers ask for 2009 to be cancelled as they have still to get to grips with 2008.
Gordon Smith supports Rangers’ request and urges all clubs in the SPL to cancel plans for installing winter weather preventavie measures and concentrate instead on providing players with whatever they need to hibernate for 12 months. “Even squirrels are laughing at us now”, says the SFA supremo.
Celtic splash the cash in the January transfer window.
Kenny Miller appears for the first time at the top of this season’s scorers chart in the Daily Record. The sports editor later apologises for printing the table upside down.

February 2009
Happy Valentines day as the bookies pay out on Celtic winning the 2008 – 09 SPL Championship.
Celtic knock Real Madrid out of the Champions League.
Re-arrangers ask for Valentines day to be postponed to allow Ibrox pin up Kirk Boradfoot more time to find a girlfriend. Gordon Smith backs the Rangers request and reveals that he used to try twice as hard to beat opponents on st. Valentines day because it was named after a saint.
Kenny Miller finds the net at Ibrox. Police had been looking for it after a break-in at Murray Park.

March 2009

Celtic complete first part of the treble by wining the League Cup.
Re-arrangers ask for St Patrick’s day to be postponed as it’s a ‘Sellick conspiracy.’
“Do I need to say anything about this self-evident truth?” says SFA Supremo Gordon Smith.
Celtic knock Bayern Munich out of the Champions League and qualify to play Man Utd in the semi final.
Kenny Miller tells reporters after his latest blank that he is winning over the Ibrox boo boys. “At least half of our crowd at the last home game weren’t booing me. I mean, that’s a good 250 people.”

April 2009
Celtic defeat Man Utd to reach Champions League Final.
Alex Ferguson not very pwoud. Gordon Smith solemnly declares that this is one of the saddest days in Scottish football.
Re-arrangers ask for April Fools Day to be postponed as they consider it disrespectful and on a par with the term ‘Hun’.

May 2009
Celtic complete clean sweep of Scottish Treble and in with a sense of déjà vu defeat Inter Milan to win the Champions League Final.
Aidean McGeady subject of a £100m bid by Barcelona. Cash rich Celtic say thanks but no thanks.
Gordon Smith declares this is definitely the saddest ever day for Scottish football.
Re-arrrangers ask for season to be extended and Celtic to be banned from taking
part in order to give them a chance of winning the title.
Kenny Miller thinks he has scores at Ibrox only to discover that it was a hallucination brought on by the concussion he suffered after being hit by a stray piece of Bears Pakora from the Broomloan Stand.

June 2009
Scottish media proclaim that Rangers will fight back next season and must be viewed as early favourites to win the 2009-10 title.
Re-arrangers ask for season 2008- 2009 to be abolished so Celtic’s success can be airbrushed out of history.