the future is green

Darlinda of the Jungle, our resident prophetess of doom, casts the runes to give us an exclusive insight into what lies in store for the coming season.

July Celtic spend millions on new players. Rangers take three duds on Bosmans. The Scottish papers, led by the Daily Ranger, criticise Celtic's 'Biscuit Tin Mentality.'

Fish Wrappers predict Rangers to win the treble and the Champions League.

Scientists produce report outlining the harmful effects of over exposure to the sun's ultraviolet rays on Jimmy Calderwood's face and its delitarious shrivelling of journalists' brains.

August Celtic move to top of the league and qualify for Champions League Group Stages. Rangers eliminated from Champions League. Celtic in Crisis say the papers who also claim the Hoops will not be able to compete in the Champions League due to lack of spending over the summer.

Linesman Andy Davis voted Rangers MVP fors last season.

September Celtic's under 19s continue their winning ways in the League Cup. Big Hoops remain top of the league and top their Champions League Group. Celtic in even bigger Crisis claims the Daily Ranger as Celtic's new training complex at (Bobby) Lennoxtown won't be open for another 18 months.

October Rangers knocked out of Europe again as they exit the UEFA Cup. David Murray, interviewed aboard his 'private jet', tells the Orcs not to worry as he is on his way to sign Sliema Wanderers substitute goalie as part of his master plan to dominate Europe next season. Sean Connery is brought along to sell a move to Scotland to the promising young Bosman. Dan Dare is the pilot.

November Celtic under 19s continue to progress through the League Cup. They are also well clear in the Youth League as are the Celtic under 21s in their league. Daily Ranger has 16 page pull out extolling the virtues of Murray Park and boasting of the great talent it has produced such as Maurice Ross. It contrasts this with the lack of talent coming through at Celtic.

December Celtic defeat Rangers in Glasgow derby Clash to go 10 points clear in the league. Goals are scored by Beattie, Maloney and McGeady. Crisis at Celtic is growing as all three are failed products of Celtic's youth system. Papers suggest Celtic have an unfair advantage over Rangers as Celtic spent large sums of money in the summer strengthening their team.

January Celtic qualify for last 16 of Champions League. Daily Ranger features a sport editorial condemning falling standards in European Football. Mass hysteria among the Celtic support as we sign two players on Bosmans during the January transfer window - Shevchenko and Ballack will join in the summer! Press report these signings as yet another example of Celtic having a biscuit tin mentality.

February Celtic continue to progress in Champions League. Zurawski scores his 30th goal of the season. Press say all Polish players playing in Glasgow's East End should be sent home.

Rangers fans turn out in their hundreds for glamorous Valentine's night friendly against Linfield. 'This shows the depth of our loyal support' says a highly emotional David Murray.

March Celtic clinch title and win League Cup. Daily Ranger marks this by printing the Sport Edition with a black border. Celts continue to progress in Champions League.

Plucky Rangers rally in the SPL and climb into the top 6 for the first time since September.

April Zurawski scores his 50th goal of the season. Daily Ranger doubts his big match temperament. Celts reach Scottish Cup Final and Champions League semi final. Daily Ranger calls for more 'Rangers Minded' officials to come forward to help make it a more level playing field.

May Celts clinch domestic treble and Champions League. Zurawski scores hat trick in the final and blames not scoring 6 on his poor big match temperament. The Daily Ranger predicts Rangers will win the treble and the Champions League next season...

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