hibs hirple home with cloggers title

After five glorious years at the top of the league, Motherwell have finally been hacked off the top of the Dirtiest Bastards in Scottish Football table to be replaced by Hibernian. Who could have possibly predicted such a shock at the start of the season?

Well, possibly anyone familiar with the coaching methods of Bobby Williamson perhaps, but it was a disappointment to seasoned clogger-watchers to see Terry Butcher's men notch up a full fifty bookings fewer than last season. Surely this can't be attributed solely to the fact that James McFadden was sold to Everton?

Having said that, McFadden's personal tally of 45 points in 2003 (13 yellows and a red) would at least have helped the 'Well into a more respectable 5th place in the table, although they would have needed two James McFaddens to overtake this season's Kings of Clogging.

Hibs have been showing steady improvement - unlike some of their hobbled victims - during the last few years and under the tutelage of Uncle Fester have gone from fifth, to third to winners in the space of three years. Apart from Fester's philosophy of the Beautiful game - pioneered in the Middle Ages when disorganised mobs of young men would attempt to kick a severed head from one village to another - much of the credit goes to Colin Murdock. The big stopper looks like a cross between Lurch, the tall creepy butler from the Addams Family, and Ted Bundy in football boots, but don't let appearances fool you - he really is as psychotic as he looks.

It also says something for his clogging prowess that he was able to top score in a team which had Scott Brown in its ranks, although the youngster did manage a creditable 36 points himself.

Nevertheless it was a close thing for this year's title as Hibs were pushed (and tripped and hacked) all the way by Glasgow's second richest club, Partick Thistle, who were determined to go out of the SPL with a bang - as well as a few clouts, several kicks and one or two aggravated assaults.

As befits the collective approach of the Maryhill Maulers there were few outstanding individual performances, but their push and shove for the title was sustained by consistent bookings picked up by Fleming (7 yellow, 1 red), Lilley (6y, 1r), Murray (6y, 1r), Mitchell (6y, 1r) and Milne (6y). They can return to the First Division with their heads held high and their opponents held higher.

Hearts haven't won the trophy since 1992 - indeed, apart from the East of Scotland Shield they haven't won many trophies at all since 1892 - so they will be gutted that last season was another case of 'close but no cigar'. They certainly can't blame Alan Maybury for effort. His individual tally of 41 points had him topping the individual scoring charts and, like some of the wingers who have had to leave Tynecastle on crutches, he was given plenty of support by Andy Webster. But Craig Levein can possibly point to Phil Stamp's injuries (that's the ones he sustained himself, not the ones he dished out to everybody else) and enforced absence from first team action as one reason why the Jammed Farts once again failed to deliver the honours.

While the fouling feats of the aforementioned teams are laudable, the worrying trend is down, unlike the bruises suffered by silky ball playing midfield players in the SPL (all three of them). Partick Thistle and the two Dundee clubs were the only ones who managed to actually increase their crime count over last season's. The rest must have seriously taken to heart FIFA's fair play message. Either that or Scotland's soccer psychos are spending longer periods of time suspended.

Motherwell in particular will have to take a long, hard look at themselves, having gone from 99 yellow and 11 red cards last season to 2004's miserable total.

With the Cat in the Hat now looking to match what he refers to as Celtic's 'physical approach' to Old Firm games (the cloggers table makes interesting reading in this respect) we can expect more from the Huns next season. They haven't won the Dirty Bastards league since 1998 - despite having some real dirty bastards in their team - and their cause will not be helped with the loss of resident threshing machines Clog More and Fernando Erection, but they have signed Alex Rae who has already been making the right noises for a died in the wool Rangers man: you'll recognise them - they sound like the noises made by the Tasmanian Devil in the Bugs Bunny cartoons. Don't expect too much from Marvin Andrews, however. He only managed one yellow card all season, although it will be interesting to see whether the influence of Satan which pervades the Death Star will overcome Marvin's own religious beliefs and have him dismembering opponents at will then eating their livers at the side of the Ibrox pitch.

Once again Celtic's bad bhoy was Alan Thompson, showing a remarkable level of consistency with another 30 points plus performance. Popularly characterised by opposition supporters - notably the Huns - as a thug in order to excuse their racist abuse, Bobo Balde finished last term with just two yellow cards to his name in 31 SPL appearances. His red card was administered by Alan Freeland at Easter Road, you'll recall, when Bobo retaliated after Scott Brown turned up a fortnight late for a tackle when the big Frenchman had already cleared the ball. Another hopeless campaign in terms of Celtic cloggers then, although one point of interest is the amount of yellow cards picked up by the Hoops in Europe (24 in 16 matches as opposed to 42 in 36 SPL games) reflecting the genuinely competitive nature of Champions League and UEFA Cup ties (i.e. Celtic don't have to try too hard in domestic football). Or could it be that Scottish refs are heavily biased towards Celtic? (Aye right!).

ROBBIE FOULER