so long and thanks for all the goals

As The Blessed Martin's Hoops side continues to hammer home its domination over our city rivals - now in the midst of the worst run of results in the history of the Old Firm with just two league wins in the last sixteen games - at least the Bluenoses can take some crumbs of comfort from what has otherwise been a season tinged with disappointment for them.

It's true that Celtic narrowly failed to emulate one of the great Hunnic achievements of going through an entire season unbeaten. Yet there can be few of them left alive who had season tickets in 1899 (possibly a similar number to those who are going to renew their season tickets for next year) and we do have to bear in mind that they only played eighteen games instead of 38. Results such as a 10:0 away win against Hibs also suggest that defending was not quite up to the standard of Paolo Maldini.

They will have to forgive us enjoying winning the league without losing a game and our failure to appreciate that the mighty Glasgow Rangers, five stars on the strip and everything, once beat plucky St. Bernards home and away.

We hope that they will also accept our apologies on behalf of the Celtic team for being big rough Bhoys who blatantly cheat by doing underhand things like score from headers and practice free kicks. It just shouldn't be allowed.

Another of the straws they're clutching at is the fact that we are about to be bereft of the King of Kings who is about to vacate his Parkhead throne.

Yes, the time has finally come to say farewell to the legend that is Henrik Larsson. What a bittersweet evening it will be when he pulls on the Hoops for his final game against Seville. But when the dust has finally settled and the close season is upon us, we can all reflect on what a time he has had at Paradise. His onslaught on Premier League defences has forced many a member of Hammer Throwers Inc. to seek either a transfer (see Amoruso, Lorenzo) early retirement (see Numan, Arthur) or a bed in their local psychiatric ward (see Konterman, Bert). In the process he has caused the stattos to virtually rewrite the Scottish Football records books in terms of individual achievement and he has carved his own niche in the annals of Celtic folklore.

There have been some downs along the way, of course, but mostly we've been lucky over the last seven years to have watched one of the most complete footballers ever to have played in the Hoops. He leaves us in a far better state than he found us, and the club will go on, of course, hopefully making as much progress in the next seven years without the talismanic Swede. Still, it's going to be difficult for whoever dons the famous number seven strip next season and we can only hope that OFM and the board have got plan B ready by the end of July. Joy in our hearts indeed. Thanks for the memories Henke.

Before he leaves there's the small matter of the Cup Final to be attended to. Dunfermline are this year's opponents and the Fifers have a great tradition in the cup; a great tradition of not winning it that is.

They have lifted the famous old pot twice since 1874 (the same number of times as Renton) which suggests that they haven't been so much of a sleeping giant in this competition as a comatose Dodo.

Still, their recent victory at Celtic Park gave us all a chance to see why they were allocated 15,000 tickets. Each of the Pars fans present that day must have 500 pals.

More problematic might be the number of Celtic fans desperate to see the King of Kings' real swansong. If you haven't got one, may we offer our top five tips on how to blag your way into Hampden if you don't have a ticket: 1. Go in highland dress and pretend to be a member of the pipe band (check first to make sure it's not majorettes this year).
2. Wear a sash and an apron and claim to be one of the match officials.
3. Take a lawn mower and say you're the groundsman.
4. Carry a laptop computer, put on your most depressed expression and say you're a journalist for the Daily Record.
5. Walk in backwards. They might think you're coming out.
6. That's enough daft schemes - Ed.