plucky 'well make it five in a row

In a feat of fouling that might never be repeated, Motherwell have retained the coveted title of Scotland's Dirtiest Bastards for the fifth year running. And running is something that many an opposition forward was incapable of doing after a visit to Fir Park, aka Dr. Moreau's House of Pain.

The Steelmen - a nickname derived from the number of surgical implants necessary to hold together the shins of hobbled opponents - have well and truly carved a niche for themselves in the annals of clogging while at the same time gouging lumps off everything else in their path. They can now go ahead officially and order the replica tops complete with five small shinguards woven above the club crest to represent five years at the top of this particular tree.

They might also think about striking a special commemorative medal for young James McFadden who, with a personal tally of thirteen yellow cards and a red, amassed 45 points on his own, a total only equalled by Scott Wilson of Dunfermline.

Which isn't to suggest that the 'Well are a one-man band. McFadden was given magnificent support by most of his team mates, but especially Partridge (36 points), Pearson (36), Leitch (30) and Adams (30), an incredible 177 points between five players, more points than the entire Partick Thistle squad put together.

Once again last season, Kilmarnock were the team pushing (as well as tripping, hacking and generally clogging) Motherwell closest for the title. They increased their total of yellow cards from 71 to 86 and reds from 1 to 5, which would have been enough to top the table last season. No big surprise given the identity of the Rugby Park manager, but even this supreme effort was no match for the heroics of the eventual winners.

In fact only Dundee have come close in recent years to emulating Motherwell's superb 11 red cards. Sadly the Lanarkshire club failed by just one yellow card to equal Airdrie's all-conquering century of bookings in season 1993, when the 'Well's neighbours swept all before them - including wingers, strikers and several hundredweight of turf - but they still comfortably walked away with this year's title - while everyone else limped uncomfortably off to the treatment room.

With UEFA and the SFA hammering home the Fair Play message, it's heartening to report that almost every club in the SPL increased its crime count last season. Only three teams were down on the previous season's total, namely Dunfermline, Dundee United and Dundee (only by two yellows in the cases of the first two mentioned) which meant that the majority were able to report a substantial increase.

Most improved team? Limp forward the Glasgow Rangers, up by 30 bookings on their 2002 total, a glowing tribute the influence of the Cat in the Hat. Top man was Fernando Rickety (8 yellow and 1 red) who was closely followed (then fouled) by Clog More (9 yellow).

Apart from those already mentioned in despatches it would be remiss of this column not to mention some of the other psychos in football boots who made their mark on both the SPL and on the appendages of many of their fellow professionals last season.

Phil Stamp of Hearts (a player who seems almost as aptly named as Motherwell manager Terry Butcher) missed out on the top individual score by a mere two bookings, finishing with a total of 39 points, the same as Kilmarnock's Andy McLaren - although there may be an obvious excuse for the mistiming of the latter's tackles!

Once again Allan Thompson was Celtic's resident bad Bhoy. His 36 points in all competitions was a slight improvement on last year but still nowhere near the likes of Yogi Hughes or Paolo di Canio.

ROBBIE FOULER