kits oot fur the bhoys

If it's a new season there must be a new kit released. Now let's see... is it the second strip or the third strip this year? NTV's regular fashion critic Karl Lagerdrinkerfell, our man with the velveteen jacket and the pink gin, gives us his considered opinion.

This year's creation from the Umbro kit design studio - aka Hallucinogens R Us - made its debut at the Shamrock Rovers pre-season friendly in Dublin. Given that the home team play in identical strips to the Celts I will not cast any aspersions that this was in any way a cynical marketing ploy to sell copious amounts of strips in Ireland. Rather, I will simply relish the opportunity to get a sneak preview of the new kit.

According to the Celtic View of July 10th, "The decision to go with the gold strip followed a number of focus groups organised at Celtic Park when supporters were given the opportunity to express their opinions on what kind of strip they would like to see and what colours they associated with the club - primarily green, white and gold."

Wow, I wonder how long the focus group took to come up with those colours. They'll be telling us next that they associate the Huns with the colours red, white and blue. Having said that, it does state that the colours they associated with Celtic were "primarily" green, white and gold. That implies there must have been some other suggestions. Mauve? Ecru? Puce? The mind boggles. Still, I suppose I should be grateful for no longer having to feel so un focused.

The View article continues: "The new jersey uses Celtic's traditional light gold colour with an innovative tonal 'Celtic 1888' print on the main body of the shirt and striking emerald stitching on the trims."

How long has this light gold colour been traditional? Have I missed a few focus group meetings? When was this decided? And as for striking stitching, the only known example of striking stitching is the Bayeux Tapestry. Maybe Umbro have decided to embroider scenes from Celtic's history into the hems?

Suspicions that the View was doing little more than rehashing Umbro's own design department gobbledegook appeared to be confirmed in the next paragraph: "The cedar green shorts incorporate colour coded trims and, together with the striking light gold socks, they provide an overall very modern yet traditional look."

Traditional yet modern, smart yet casual, this is truly what Martin O'Neill might call an extraordinary garment. And the shorts are cedar green, as in, "Look, cedar shorts, dar green."

Back to Umbrospeak: "The new away strip also represents a step forward in kit design, using a high wicking construction and mesh ventilation panels to keep the body cool and allow the fabric to dry extremely quickly."

We can only wonder how the Lions won anything in the baking heat of Lisbon without the aid of mesh ventilation panels to keep them cool, not to mention high wicking. If anyone out there knows what the hell high wicking is, by the way, please feel free to enlighten us. While you're at it, you might also care to explain how it differs significantly from low wicking.

As if all that wasn't enough, when you buy a new away top you're getting a jersey that is, "Significantly lighter than previously and has a specifically developed anatomical fit to give unrestricted 3D movement and aid performance."

No more struggling along the Gallowgate bent double under the weight of our away tops for us! We can also wave goodbye to the restricted movement that used to be caused by all that polyester and other restrictive fabrics which once forced us to move in 2 dimensions. No siree, it's unrestricted 3D movement all the way from now on, and dry as a bone into the bargain!

The only question that the Umbro publicity department have left hanging in the air slightly is one which might be of some concern to many of the fans actually contemplating buying it. How easy is it to get Guinness stains out of it?

To be fair to them, Umbro have at least kept this design simple. They have avoided the hideous excesses of past efforts such as the explosion in Remnant Kings effort which appeared during the Hampden season, the nauseating browny green effort with the People's advert (or was it cedar green? I'm not too sure) or the trippy Space Invaders yellow stripey thing, for which we should be grateful.

At least with a second strip they can avoid a repeat of the hoopless hoops controversy of last year.

Anyway, who cares what I think. It'll probably be the biggest selling Celtic strip in history. Just don't expect me to be seen dead in high wicking and mesh ventilation panels.

KARL LAGERDRINKERFELL

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