cloggers crime count 2002

Congratulations once again to Motherwell for retaining the coveted title of Dirtiest Bastards in Scottish Football for the fourth year in a row. Football's governing bodies might be doing their bit to promote fair play on the field, but at least we know that the Steelmen - so-called because of the number of steel plates that have to be inserted into the shins of hobbled opponents - are doing their bit to maintain their traditional style of play, made infamous by assassins of bygone days such as Willie McVie, Gregor Stevens and Tam 'Jaws' Forsyth.

Motherwell's overall points total was, like many a winger who dared to go anywhere near their defenders, down, but they still managed to amass a respectable 80 yellow cards between them. Not quite emulating Airdrie's magnificent achievement in 1993 of 100 yellows when the Diamonds walked away with the title (while everyone else limped away to the treatment room) but still enough to ensure that they were nearly 40 points clear of runners-up Kilmarnock.

Under Uncle Fester's stewardship for most of the season, the Ayrshire team actually made a big push for the title last season - as well as a few big trips, lots of big hacks and a multitude of other offences - even managing to surpass the winners by a clear six fouls, but their solitary red card was never going to be enough to wrestle the championship away from Fir Park.

Aberdeen are also due a dishonourable mention with regard to fouls. The Dons made sure an opponent hit the deck on average every 5 minutes during the season and they did manage a highly commendable six red cards, but for some reason the MIBs seemed reluctant to wave the yellow card at Aberdeen players with less alacrity than any other team with the exception of the Huns.

Incidentally, if anyone can explain the apparent leniency shown by referees towards Rangers when it comes to their fouls per yellow card count, please contact The Referees Committee, Apron House, 666 Goatshaggers Lane, Knuckletown.

Dundee's contingent of hopelessly stereotyped temperamental Latin stars must have either been injured for large parts of the season or else their half-time cuppas must have been laced with bromide. What else can explain the slump in their red card haul from 10 to a disappointing 5? This was even less than the Plesasantville Select for goodness sake!

Rangers managed to finish bottom of the table despite having a line-up featuring the silky skills of Amaloser, Vidmar, Bammy and Moore. And this, we are told, is a team which needs more bite, a press euphemism for cloggers. The arrival of Kevin Muscat, who has left the Wolves to join up with the Werewolves, will undoubtedly see at least some improvement in their psychopath quotient. Unless, of course, the MIBs decide to allow him the lassitude once granted Paul Gascoigne, who was allowed to flail through SPL games like a demented human threshing machine while the refs looked on and smiled benignly.

Should the MIBs need any advice about Muscat they should look no further than the Sunday Mason, who followed up their two page spread on why Muscat is 'hard but fair' with another double page spread on July 7th. Here they can read a sympathetic puff by Scoop Guidi all about how Muscat's reputation as a hatchet man has largely been the fault of English referees and has come about as a result of a tackle on Dugarry while playing for Australia against France which put his opponent out of the game for six months and a cowardly off the ball elbow on Denis Bergkamp's nose.

While mentioning the two incidents above, Scoop has conveniently forgotten one or two others, such as the incident which led to Muscat's first red card in England, an assault on Darren Eadie that ended up in a 21 man brawl while he was playing for Crystal Palace which saw him punted by the London club shortly afterwards; or the fact that Muscat was threatened with legal action after a tackle perpetrated on Matt Holmes of Charlton which effectively ended Holmes' senior career; or a similar assault on Richard Sneeks of West Brom which saw the Albion player carted off on a stretcher; or a knee-high challenge on Craig Bellamy which put the winger out of the game for nearly a year.

Muscat is held in such high regard by his fellow professionals that he has been described as 'Probably the most hated man in football' (Frank Lebouef) and 'a lowlife' (Ian Wright). He'll probably have to machete someone to death on the pitch to get a yellow card up here, although he will no doubt be able to count on the same kind of support from the hacks as Bobo Balde received last season should he fall foul of the MIBs.

So much for The Cat In The Hat's cunning master plan to wrest football supremacy back from the Hoops.

If the table below is anything to go by our own bad Bhoys will have to sharpen their studs. Alan Thompson was out on his own again with a creditable 33 points but he's still nowhere near emulating the fouling feats of Yogi Hughes or the card count totalled by mad Paolo di Canio. This particular title looks a long way off.

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