the future is green

George of the Jungle, aka Nostratimus, gazes into his hairy palms, casts the runes over his tea-leaf-filled crystal ball and astrally projects humself into the sixth dimension to bring us his predictions for Season 2007 – 08.

August 2007

Scottish tabloids unanimously predict that Rangers, under the management of the Loyal Cardigan, will win the Scottish treble, the Champions League, the Rugby world Cup (including the ladies’ version), the Derby, the Boat Race and Wimbledon.
Rangers cash crisis deepens as well-known charity shop asks them to return their Oxfam Executive Loyal credit card as they have exceeded the £1690 limit.
Meanwhile, the Scottish tabloids predict Celtic face their own looming cash crisis due to all the win bonuses club is having to pay out.

September 2007
Rangers cash crisis alleviated when they receive an emergency giro payment from the DSS.
Celtic clear at the top of the league and the only Scottish team left in European competition. “It’s no fair,” complain the tabloids, “Sumbudy must dae sumfing tae stoap Sellick winning aw ra time.”
Walter Smith named Manager of the Month.

October 2007
Celtic top of their Champions League group having won away from home for the first time in this competition. Scottish press bemoan poor quality of Champions League.
Rangers edging closer to top 6 spot in the SPL having unluckily gone out of the League Cup to Albion Rovers after a penalty shoot out. Latest cash crisis averted thanks to phone call to TV advertised Loan Company. Club now expected to be “virtually debt-free” roughly at the same time as the first space shuttle bus service to Neptune is due to commence.
Celtic’s new state of the art training complex at (Bobby) Lennoxtown opens. Tabloids run special pull outs on number of first team players produced at Murray Park and sold for millions of pounds, i.e. none.
Walter Smith named Manager of the Month. Ally McCoist becomes first recipient of new Assistant Manager of the Month award.

November 2007
Police press charges against several
senior Rangers officials following investigation into alleged dodgy transfer dealings. Barlinnie prisoners riot. A spokesman for the prisoners, Grouty the Tobacco Baron of D Wing, tells Scotland Today, “We don’t want these people sent here. Think of the damage that will do to our reputations. It was bad enough when I had to bunk with Duncan Ferguson.”
Debt crisis finally resolved thanks to loan of money from man up a close in Easterhouse at very favourable interest rate of 300% a week.
Walter Smith named Manager of the Month. Wee fat guy becomes first Combined Kit Man and Bus Driver of the Month award winner.

December
Lee McCulloch, with no goals from 25 games tops the Daily Record’s Player of the Year ratings.
Celtic 12 points clear at top of league and through to last 16 - again - of the Champions League.
Rangers Christmas Party cake with enclosed file delivered to Barlinnie in vain attempt to enable the jailed ‘Gers officials to attempt a Colditz Style escape.
Celtic 2007 – 2008 Championship winning cakes delivered to Glasgow’s homeless.
Walter Smith named Manager of the Month. David Murray announced as inaugural winner of the Chairman of the Month award.

January 2008
Happy New Year as Paddy Powers pay out on Celtic winning the 2007 – 08 SPL Championship.
Gordon Strachan states that now the league is won he will rest the
youth players who delivered title success as the senior players need match practice before the last 16 of the Champions League.
Rangers offer £100 – £50 up front and £50 payable over 10 years - in vain attempt to lure Boab Malcolm FTP back to Ibrox. He is the missing link proclaim the Scottish tabloids.
Jailed Rangers directors caught by Barlinnie prison warders attempting to dig a tunnel with spoons while vaulting over a wooden version of Lorenzo Amoruso. Staff are alerted when one of them drops a green Pepperami wrapper in vicinity and muffled screams are heard from inside wooden Lorenzo.
Walter Smith named Manager of the Month. Martin Bain named Martin Bain of the Month.

February 2008
Celtic knock Bayern Munich out of the Champions League.
Rangers play glamour friendly against Barlinnie prisoner officers 11 to boost relations between the Ibrox inmates and the wardens. Game live on Real Radio and sponsored by the Daily Record. Rangers lose narrowly 3 v 1 to the Prison Officers. Ladies team. Barlinnie wardens foil Escape To Victory style break-out attempt by shamed directors hoping to get away while wardens have attention on the game. Game is so bad that nobody is watching.

March 2008
Celtic complete second part of treble
by winning the League Cup against Rangers. Filip Sebo and Lee McCulloch both score for the plucky cash-strapped Ibrox club. The regular penalty taker had gone off injured.
Scottish tabloids say result is proof that the Ibrox renaissance is underway.
Barlinnie wardens foil escape attempt by disgraced former Ibrox directors trying to fly out of prison on glider made from discarded toilet roll tubes. Suspicions are aroused when crude plans marked “Private Jet - Toilket Roll Version” are discovered during routine search of cell. Quizzed about large number of toilet roll tubes involved in constructing glider one of disgraced officials explains that collection started the morning police arrived to invite them to help with enquiries.
Walter Smith named Manager of the Month in perpetuity.

April 2008
Celtic defeat Real Madrid to reach Champions League Final. Gordon Smith, Chief Executive of the Scottish Football Association, solemnly declares that this is one of the saddest days in the history of Scottish football.
All further escape plans are postponed indefinitely as Rangers officials in Barlinnie faced with angry mob brandishing pitchforks are scared to come out. All ask for their parole to be denied.

May 2008
Celtic complete clean sweep of Scottish
Treble and win the Champions League Final in Moscow. Celtic support do what Napoleon and Hitler failed to do – they conquer Moscow during triumphant celebrations in aftermath of Final.
Chick Young commits suicide. Strachan must go scream the Scottish tabloids.
Papers predict Rangers will spend big during the summer as the cash-strapped Ibrox club announce that they have sold Filip Sebo’s image rights to a leading firm of scarecrow manufacturers in a seven figure deal. Deal later turns out to be £7.00.

June 2008
Scottish media proclaim Rangers are back now that they have an Platinum TK Maxx credit card with a £1500 limit. Led by the Daily Ranger the Scottish tabloids predict that Rangers will spend very very big over the Summer and that they will start as favourites to win the league title next season...

 

Back to top