We Hear That...

Mum's The Word

A story reached the desk of Earwig the other day from an anonymous contributor which may be apocryphal but still has an important lesson for us all. "The other day I was in the West End of Glasgow", he writes, "when a man of Arabic appearance got off a bus I was travelling on. I noticed that he had left behind a sports bag. I grabbed it and ran after him. When I reached him I handed back his bag. He was extremely grateful and suddenly reached inside the bag. I could see that it contained bank notes. He offered me a reward but I refused. So he looked around furtively, made sure nobody was listening and whispered, 'You will not let me repay your kindness with money but these words of advice may be enough. Stay away from Ibrox on Saturday.'

"I was terrified. 'Why', I asked, 'Is there going to be an attack?'

"'No sir', he said, 'no attack, no defence, the fans are crap and the midfield is bloody rubbish as well. Don't waste your money'"

The H Word Again

On the subject of the Forces of Darkness, the etymology of the H word as applied to them has come under scrutiny, not least because the word itself has been banned from the club's official publications. Allow the Earwig to clear this one up.

"Hun" is actually an acronym and as such should actually be written HUN. It stands for "Hideously Ugly Numpties" and has no religious connotations whatsoever. Similarly with the plural, "HUNS" which stands for "Hopelessly Underachieving Non Scots".

If any of our readers has encountered similar usage of said acronym please let me know and I''ll send a t-shirt to the best one.

Celts in relegation scandal!

Rum doings in the South African Premier Soccer League at the end of last season. Blomfontein Celtic are, alas, no longer in the top flight, having been relegated in controversial circumstances. Fined for fielding an ineligible player in a league match against Bush Bucks (there's a gag in there somewhere), which they won by 1:0, the Celts were deducted three points in the process.

An appeal looked at first as if it was going to save the day as the SAFA increased the fine and ordered a replay, but the Premier Soccer League objected and forced the association to accept the original verdict. The result of all these legal shennanigans was that Celtic finished on the same number of points (34) as the team at the bottom of the league who stayed up in their place as a result of having a superior goal difference.

The other team? It would have to be Manning Rangers wouldn't it?

Time for the publication of 'Blomfontein Celtic's Paranoia ... All In The Mind?' by Tom Van Der Campbell, I think.

Theatre News

Spotted at a recent performance of Arthur Miller's theatrical magnum opus "Death Of A Salesman", our very own Martin O'Neill.

I mention this only as a contrast to the kind of diverstisement favoured by ex-Rangers boss Walter Smith. Not for Wattie the cerebral challenge of having to sit through an hour or two of intellectually stimulating drama. Instead, no doubt resplendent in his old faithful Rangers official tank-top, the former Ibrox supremo was seen by a reporter from the Dublin Evening Standard singing along to none other than the Ladyboys of Bangkok in the Old Fruit Market (no pun or double meaning intended - litigation conscious ed).

We hear there is no truth in the rumour that the lads from Bangkok do a rousing chorus of 'Hullo Hullo we Are The Ladyboys' to start the show, nor indeed that they do "The Blouse My Father Wore" as part of their encore.

Blue Movie

Only at Ibrox, The Land That Taste Forgot, would anybody have the nerve to try and placate the gibbering hordes slavering over their lack of silverware by releasing a video entitled 'Blue Steel' featuring some of the biggest thugs who ever donned the infamous blue jersy, even though they must have been spoilt for choice.

Never mind watching an hour of the Beautiful Game. Just sit back and enjoy some of the greatest fouls in Rangers' history. Relive the serious injuries inflicted on opponents and glory in the style of play which has endeared the Ibrox club to fans of every other team in Europe.

Just peruse the list of names of the assassins featured: Forsyth, Brown, Souness, Roberts, Hurlock, Ferguson (take your pick from an assortment of nutters of that ilk)... the list of gargoyles who have left their mark on the Premier League - and on the appendages of their opponents - is seemingly endless.

The football equivalent of a snuff movie and certainly not for the squeamish or those of a nervous disposition.

All of which reminded me of sequence in the video 'Jinky', the Jimmy Johnstone story. At one point wee Jimmy is reminiscing about the infuriating effect his tortuous dribbling must have had on whatever full back he happened to be twisting into complex designs that afternoon. "Big Davie Provan" he says, with reference to one of Rangers' Addams Family refugee defenders, "A big gentleman... no matter how many times I went round him he never tried to foul me once."

Cut to sequence of grainy black and white film of Jinky nutmegging Provan only to be hammered into the ground like a tent peg.

Pierre Today... Gone Tomorrow

The Sunday Mason's Sport Monthly supplement featured an interview with Pierre van Hooijdonk (who he? ed) in its November issue. Talking to Scoop Gudi, the giant Dutch striker revealed that one of his biggest regrets was leaving Celtic. He went on to explain his reason for turning his back on 60,000 adoring fans and joining Nottingham Forest, a club already on the crest of a slump by the time big Pierre arrived to add his own unique contribution to dressing room harmony; "I would have stayed one and a half years more to the end of my contract whether I was in the side or not" - with you this far big chap - "The only reason I left was to play every week."

Er... sorry Pierre, you'll have to sit down and explain that bit to me again - very slowly.

Still, congratulations on winning this month's entry for the George Orwell Doublethink award.

Toodloo The Noo THE EARWIG

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