We Hear That...

Out Of Africa

During the summer the tentacles (that's what is says here - slightly ruffled Ed) of King David (all stand) Murray's Empire extended to Africa. Rangers set up a link with crack South African side Amazulu FC. They are famous mostly for their fans, an extremely ugly and warlike tribe, who dress up in strange tribal wear every summer to celebrate an ancient battle... but not much is known about the Africans.

Aye, Right!

Christian Nerlinger reassured Rangers fans that he is "not a crock" (July 2). Despite having cruciate ligament surgery on his right knee in March 2000, he said "My medical check was very detailed and thorough. I have no fears about my fitness". Coming soon; Dick Advocaat - "All my hair is natural" ; Bazza Fergiehun - "I complete the Herald Crossword every day in 20 minutes"; Marcus Gayle -"I'm so glad I signed for the best team in Scotland" etc. Postscript: Nerlinger is currently injured.

Murray Park Life

Location - Dr. Evil's Training Camp Somewhere near Milngavie: 1) Gawping Huns visiting the new Hitler-Youth training centre (AKA Auchenhowie) were seething with rage upon reaching the curiously coloured Main Reception Gates. "The Gates are coloured Emerald Green!", spluttered disbelieving shell-suited follow-followers. Officially they are described as turquoise, but for many of the disgruntled they are a decidedly unpalatable hew 2) Unbelievably, only four spaces in the players-only car parking section are designated for "Disabled Drivers Only". Form an orderly queue... 3) In shocking technicolor - "The Return Of Hammy Hamster and his weeHunsters". Brother Grim (the non-violent one) Tommy McLean has been appointed as Youth Commandant and therefore selected as the man to woo the parents of wannabe-Bazzas. Imagine having a young, talented (prodigal? - helpful Ed) 15 year-old footballing son, receiving a knock at the door during "The Bill" and being met face-to-face by the diminutive darkly brooding Hamster-cheeked one. "We'd like to take your son away... for experiments". 4) Total secrecy during Rangers training sessions is not, we hear, entirely guaranteed. Apparently a local sports centre overlooks 'Murray Park' and anyone who cares to pop in for a coffee in the well-appointed cafeteria can sit at a window seat, notebook in hand, and have a panoramic view of wee Dick working out all those set-pieces which have brought the Sons of William such success on the playing fields of Europe.

Summer Fashion Notes - For Ghirls

During a long hot summer, purely in the interests of research, my attention was drawn to the headline "The bikini a woman chooses can be very revealing about her personality". Researchers at Berlin's Humboldt University have discovered that choice of colours is very significant - Red is "daring", black is "confident", a white bikini is "innocent" ("Get on with it!" - flushed Ed). According to the experts, blue would seem to indicate that the wearer is "depressed". And green? "Charming". No surprises there, then.

... and Bhoys

As listed in the Dublin Irish Times Saturday July Pull-out , the top three strips seen in the Irish capital this summer ; 1.Celtic 2.Man Utd 3.Liverpool

Summer Fashion Notes (contd)

Porto v Celtic Friendly at Stade Charlety, Paris. At this prestige friendly (i.e training session with nobs on) the original ref got lost in traffic and missed the match completely (if only it had been Monsieur Dallas de Bonkle). Stand-in ref Pierre Maze (surprised he didn't get lost either- caustic Ed), in what was surely a historic first in the history of refereeing, sported a black Celtic Umbro training top during the match, a game which was notable for some dodgy decisions from the standside linesman who was from... ahem... Porto. Let's hope it wasn't a dress rehearsal for the real thing!

Where have we heard all this before?

Yes, it's deja vu time - step forward the infamous Jan '97 Ibrox linesman Gordon McBride, spotted wearing his beloved Rangers jersey at his Pitz five-a-sides. Readers will recall that the Ibrox Season-ticket holder disallowed Jorge Cadete's equaliser in the explosive 9-in-a-row encounter, which we lost 3:1 to two late Erik B.O. Andersen goals. His moustachioed traffic-wardenesque Hunnic flag-raising can still raise Earwig's hackles, even after all these years!

Dumb and Dumber

This is the God's honest truth. A Hearts supporter called up Arthur Albiston's Scottish Football Phone-In on Talksport, August 16th, and the following conversation took place.

HEARTS FAN: I'm really pissed off with Craig Brown just now, Ken? Okay, he picks Colin Cameron and Steven Pressley, but I cannae understand why he doesen't play the goalie Anti Niemi.

ARTHUR ALBISTON: Niemi? But he's Finnish.

HF: He's no finished, he's only 28!

AA: No, no, I don't mean he's over the hill. I mean his nationality is finnish.

HF (incredulously): Is he??

TOODLOO THE NOO

The Earwig