He's Bald, He's Fat...

Following last month's Championship-clincher v St Mirren joyous revellers were in full voice at one of Glasgow's trendy city centre eateries. The Maitre'd approached the merry throng at 9pm, and politely requested a reduction in the singing volume. "We've got some rather special guests dining downstairs", he said, and helpfully explained ,"Mr & Mrs Advocaat are with us this evening". Earwig would like to report that our happy band of ghirls and bhoys readily and graciously agreed to comply with thjis request. But... As the brown shoed Dudster seethed over his fillet mignon, he was heard to mutter - "There's no excuse for this", as a hang-dog-faced Bert Van Lingen scribbled notes on his clipboard.

"They don't like it up 'em"

Magnanimous in victory, gracious in defeat and a true sportsman in the Olympian tradition...Scott Wilson is none of these. The Dobermann-faced centre back greeted Celtic's Championship triumph with his customary good grace."We're not giving them any credit, 'cause they never gave us any". This man makes Bammy Fergison sound erudite. Like Lee Harvey Oswald, luckless Ibrox hatchet-man Wilson has been publicly vilified and identified by the Little General / Disaster Tactician as the culprit for blundering Bert Konterman's collection of calamitous cock-ups. Denis Norden would need a long holiday after trawling through this particular catalogue of catastrophes and breathtakingly bad botch-ups.

Dear Diary

Punch-drunk Huns are currently making their plans for Scottish Cup Final weekend. "Evacuate the country" seems to be the preferred option according to the "Govan' or" / "Diary of A Bear", whose thoughts appear on the Official Rangers website. Hidden among such gems as "LetÕs Stick With Dick", and "Oranje Boom" (wear the colours on April 29th and show the world we're still Simply The Best") (Smelling salts please - Nauseous Ed), this particular (apologies to Walter Smith) Bear called for points to be zeroed after the top six split ("let's play off for the Championship") but even he acknowledged that his beloved Huns would "probably lose that as well". Oh for some similar acceptance of reality from those with a shaky grip on reality - step forward badge-kisser Sour-Grapes Albertz and ex-Womble Marcus ("There's only one team in Scotland") Fail. Yes, Marcus. You're 100% spot on. They're sponsored by NTL and play their home games in Glasgow... need any more clues?

The Masters

A fan's suggestion overheard by the Earwig at April's SKY TV trophy presentation game v Hearts - "Why don't the SPL adopt the US Masters Golf presentation idea ?" It's customary at Augusta for the previous year's champion to sportingly congratulate the new Champion, while helping him slip on the traditional symbol of the champion - the coveted Green Jacket. It's difficult to imagine a sour-faced Dudster, muttering under his breath about injuries, doing his "Suits-you-Sir" routine with a beaming Martin O'Neill live on TV... NB - Fashion Note - Blue jackets are slightly less coveted, especially when worn with brown brogues.

Fashion Notes (Continued)

After the brouhaha over the new hoopless hoops, a further strip-related blunder occurred at the Hearts (trophy presentation) game.Our new style hooped socks were ...er...hoopless. After the bobbling jersey crisis (August 99), and the hoopless new kit launch controversy (March 01), what further crises loom? At least we've been spared the Rangers / Admiral dyeing tracksuit disaster of 1991/2. Shell-suit wearing Huns were horror-stricken when their prized McEwan's Lager-emblazoned "sportswear" returned from the monthly trip to the laundrette ...a (shock) deep shade of purple! King David Murray (all stand) announced that he would not tolerate such tawdry garmentry for the clubs' fans. This from the man who wears David Steel shirts, and stripy ties with Arthur Montford-esque jackets.

Private Jet

At last Earwig can reveal the truth behind David Murray's private jet. This mythical machine has been mentioned in Earwig columns passim and has also been dusted down for a few loop the loops through the papers whenever the Huns are signing anew dud: "Ibrox Chairman david Murray sent his private jet to London to bring the towering 27 year-old Norwegian (Flo) north" (Daryl King in the Evening Times, 22/11/00)... "Murray often flies best pal Sean Connery on his private jet to the south of France for a round of golf..." (Mail on Sunday, 7/1/01).

Alas, I am reliably informed that Murray has no private jet and that whenever he needs the use of one he borrows Motherwell Chairman John Boyle's.

TOODLOO THE NOO

The Earwig