Shurely Shome Mishtake..?

We hear that "crocked Ibrox Misfit" (sound familiar?) Ronald The Bore has begged King David Murray to "Make Me a Ger For Life !" (Copyright Rino Gattuso 1998, Gabby Amato 1999, Marco Negri November 1997, Craig Moore 1996 two weeks before he was sold to soon-to-be-relegated Crystal Palace). Mystified Copland Road follow - followers thought that he'd already retired, but no. Currently injured (surely not ! -Baffled Ed) Ronald, who is having to struggle by on £28,000 a week, is happy to see out his contract. Keep bleeding 'em dry, Ronnie! No doubt his signature was sealed, with the help of "David Murray's private jet". The image of this legendary aircraft, always conjurs up the image for me of Murray as Bond villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld, stroking a very short-haired white pussycat (played by Chick Young), with Derek Johnstone playing the part of Odd Job, Andy Goram as Jaws and John 'Bomber' Brown & Ion Feargishun as the hatchet-faced piranhas. Also appearing; Frank McAvennie as, or more accurately, with Pussy Galore and Maurice Johnston as a clad-in-black two-faced double-agent who comes to a sticky end.

Unfit Ibrox Star in Physical Exercise - Shocker!

'Crocked Ibrox Striker' Michael (dogged-by-injury) Mols put the blues behind him as he boogied the night away last month at trendy Archaos Nightclub in Glasgow, getting down to the sounds of cult (that what is says here) DJ Roger Sanchez. Remarkably this happened as he was officially 'resting' on the weekend immediately before returning to Holland for another knee operation. We know that the brown-shod Dudster would never take risks with his players long-term health (it must be true Ôcos Chick Young told us).

Swap Shop

Scurrilous rumours doing the rounds have reached the Earwig insinuating that following his latest 'comeback' (22 minutes v Hearts in March) 'Crocked Ibrox ex-Superstar' Giovanni Van Bronckhurst has (sob) played his last game for the Govan Shityard XI. Apparently Rangers agreed to a straight swap with Tore Andre Flop for von Bratwurst with Chelsea in November. All of which suggests that the Flo transfer deal is not all as it appears in the papers. Wait and see what happens should van Broccoli not be fit (A Rangers player injured? - perish the thought!) around the end of June.

Texas Cow-bhoys

Six top seats were left empty until minutes before the start of the Texas gig at the SECC in February. Happiness-starved Huns, eager to escape reality with a non-marching-season musical night off, winced visibly when the seats were filled by Neil Lennon, Jackie McNamara and Henrik Larsson, all with their respective partners. After much 'we are not worthy'-ness from the star-struck Tims present, the concert commenced. One of the songs sung on the night could have been written especially for the crestfallen Huns present - 'Insane'.

Nike

While our soon-to-be Hoopless Heroes are supplied by Umbro, at least they don't appear to have sewer rat scruples like Rangers' suppliers Nike. Workers in their Wellco and Yue Yuen factories in China glue and stitch Nike gear for 7p per hour for an average of 77-84 hours a week in conditions that the US National Labour Committee reported as 'illegal, uncontracted and punitive with routine humiliations'. These include regulated toilet breaks and fines for talking at work, among other degredations. One cheeky US customer actually asked for the word 'Sweatshop' to be embroidered on his trainers. Nike refused on the grounds of 'inappropriateness'. Broxi Bear was unavailable for comment.

Vennegoor....

Twente Enschede striker (and - snore - Ibrox signing target) Jan Vennegoor has revealed that Dutch National Coach Louis Van Gaal recently talked to him at the Holland v Turkey friendly match, urging him to...shock...body-swerve Ibrox! 'He (Van Gaal) says that it's better if I go to a top club after this season,' revealed Jan.'When I'm in the national squad I can handle the level of play and I would like to perform at that level on a daily basis'. Don't expect to read this in the Daily Ranger. PS - Holland Squad News: For the friendly against Turkey, ex-Barca boss Louis chose Bobby Petta for the squad, and amazingly left out the gruesome twosome of Bert Konterman and £4.5 million (oh yes!) Fernando ('23 minutes and counting') Ricksen. What could possibly have influenced this decision ?? (Van Gaal attended the 6:2 game - Informative Ed)

And Assault

Knocked back for Vinnegoor, Rangers went for 'Assault' in the shape of fourteen stone bruiser Marcus Gayle, who joined instead. Those of us quaking in our boots at the thought of Rangers signing another world class striker should consider this man's goalscoring record; a Brattbakkian 2 goals in his last 40 appearances for the recently relegated Wombles (Remember - 'We only go for the BEST' - David Murray). Apparently Gayle is involved with the American-based Church Of Christ cult. 'He has even talked about giving up football to devote himself full-time to the Church', said a Wimbledon team mate.'He's not allowed to join in the socialising after matches.He just disappears with these weirdos - they stick to him like glue'. Shouldn't have too much difficulty fiiting in at Ibrox then.

What the Dickens?

The Ghost of Christmas Past flitted across our television screens during the draw for the semi-finals of the Scottish Cup. The event was hosted by none other than Jack McGinn, our erstwhile Chairman who fronted a board who were so successful at managing the finances of a large football club that they couldn't pay the milkman. Jack, as befits his talents, has risen like a veritable Saturn 5 through the ranks of the SFA hierarchy to the point where they now trust him to appear live in front of Sky's cameras to jiggle his balls and remember five names, viz; Celtic, Dundee United, Hibs, Livingston and presenter Jim White. Alas, it was too much for McGinn. 'Back to you Pat', he said after his dazzling performance, a fit of dotage worthy of anything during his tenure at Celtic.

Are You The Kellys in Disguise?

Another Dickens creation would be drooling at the antics of the Huns these days. Ebenezer Scrooge, one time mascot of the Celtic board, would not feel at all out of place in the Blue Room the way things are going. Determined to wipe away once and for all the image of spendthrift tycoon playboy which the papers have been quite happy to attach to him, David Murray was shown up in quite a different light over the Cash For Kids game at Ibrox (see NTV 91). Not content with donating a miserly quota of the gate receipts instead of the whole wadge, Murray apparently then tried to requisition a cheque for the princely sum of £8,500 raised by the North American Federation of Celtic Supporters Clubs while watching a live transmission of the game and sent to Cash For Kids via Celtic. Good grief... they'll be selling bricks to gullible punters next! PS: According to Ron Mckay in the Sunday Herald (March 25th) Dick Advocaat recently had a meal with Bert van Lingen and their respective partners in a top Glasgow eating house, the bill for which came to £304. Dick eschewed going Dutch and offered to pay, which he did, leaving staff the generous tip of... three quid!

TOODLOO THE NOO

Earwig