we hear that...

hall of shame

Looking remarkably at home, BBC TV curling correspondent and Clyde FC fanatic Dougie Donnelly, enthusiastically hosted a Rangers 'Hall of Fame Ibrox Legends' event at the Hilton Hotel in Glasgow recently.

St. Mirren diehard Chick Young manfully hid his disappointment after the previous weekend's defeat against lowly Gretna, and signed autographs for his adoring thong (surely throng? - Ed) before grilling big Eck (I've not been sacked, honest) McLeish to thunderous apathy.

'Comedian' Andy Cameron invited up the night's 'Legendary' Inductees, who included the Girvan Shitehouse Peter McCloy and Colin 'OG' Jackson (hero of the 4-2 game). When big Peter collected his award from a salivating Dougie, a (twenty-something year old) diner at a nearby table was heard to stage-whisper, 'I was always told he was shite!'

the booze brothers

Boab (Pride Over Prejudice) Malcolm, Stephen Smith, Alan Pizza-Hutton and Chrissy (no Scotland call-up shocker) Burke made the most of a recent free Friday night (Scottish Cup the next day y'see) in a (previously) trendy Royal Exchange Square nite-spot.

Fellow revellers danced to tracks such as Blacked Eyed Peas 'My Humps' (requested by Tony Mowbray?) and Goldfrapp's 'Ride a White Horse' (requested by Donald Findlay?).

Meanwhile, Loch Ness M-hun-ster Andy Goram was spotted in an Inverness Italian restaurant a few Saturdays ago. The ear-ring wearing 18-stoner was accompanied by two guys with 118-118 moustaches but Bernard Manning waistlines.

When Earwig asked about Andy's presence there, the restaurant owner nervously asked 'Who wants to know?'

succulent lamb... and lots of it!

Talking of Bernard Manning, I was intrigued to read in the Sunday Mason of January 22nd this year that the fat git (you know it's just a joke Bernard) 'has revealed his secret best friend'.

Yes, folks, Bernard's secret best friend is none other than... Rangers chairman David Murray.

According to the Mason's Heather Greenaway, 'Manning said he would hook up with Ibrox supremo Murray when he visits Glasgow to play the Barrowland on March 11.'

Perhaps they could pop into Bairds for a pre-theatre pint of stout (or a bottle of finest red in Dave's case).

mystic herald

Thanks to my devoted reader Sid Bonkers who sent me a copy of the Herald sports section's football predictions for this season, published in July 2005.

Celtic Prediction - 2nd

The Manager - 'Following MON was always going to be difficult but doing so with a threadbare squad will make Strachan's job even harder. The recurring theme in his trawl through the car boot sale section of the European transfer market is versatility, dictated by the need to make scant resources cover various fronts this season.'

Speculation - Players Out Fernandez (Cardiff) Maloney (Livi, Aberdeen) Balde (Bayern Munich) McManus (Livi) Petrov (Everton) Hartson (Blackburn Rovers)

Sure Bet - If Strachan loses hid first old firm derby, expect all manner of girning from Celtic fans about how he should be sacked forthwith

Rangers Prediction - 1st

The Manager 'After seemingly being only a penalty shoot-out against Maritimo away from being hounded out of Ibrox last September, McLeish has resurrected his reputation. The last gasp title win coupled with some shrewd movement in the transfer market has pacified the mob and may prove to be the foundation of even greater success.'

Sure bet Jose Karl Pierre Fanfan will spend half the season facing questions regarding his similarity between Jean-Alain Boumsong before joining Middlesbrough for £5m in January.

come on die young

Celtic supporting band, Mogwai's website - http://www.mogwai.co.uk/ - is definitely worth a visit if you like their music, but also if you want some impartial observations on the current Scottish football scene, if this contribution after the Dunfermline game is anything to go by:

'Reasonable Stuart here... After reading Barry's typically hilarious Brit awards rant re-printed in today's Daily Record I have decided that since we have been afforded this privilege I want in on the act and fully expect this to be printed in tomorrow's paper.

Yesterday Celtic, Scotland's champions in waiting pumped Dunfermline 8-1. Yes EIGHT ONE. That is an utter doing, not just a beating a total going over. A molesting. An historic victory, the largest ever in the Scottish premier League.

With this in mind let's have a look at what the Daily Record gave the players out of ten. Artur Boruc 6. Paul Telfer 6. Mark Wilson 6. Bobo Balde 6. Stephen McManus 7. Neil Lennon 7. Roy Keane 7. Stilian Petrov 7. Shaun Maloney 6. John Hartson 6. Maciej Zurawski 8.

Bear in mind that the only mistake by a Celtic player in the game was by Boruc, Shaun Maloney scored what is probably the finest goal this season. The whole team played superbly. These scores are utterly ridiculous.

Euan McArthur you are a total and utter fud. Print that in the flicking Record fannybaws!'

our man in Italy writes

And finally, on the subject of impartial observers, my devoted Italian reader, Sgnr. Sid Bonkersi, has kindly informed me that he is spared the Joke Brown and Mark Hateley's comments during the Setanta games.

Instead, you may like to compare the inane ramblings of the aforementioned with the well thought out comments of Sky's Italian commentator from the last Glasgow derby at Ibrox:

'Celtic are well in control and deserve to win this match' ... 'Rangers can't even muster a shot on goal'... 'Celtic are playing the football here, and Rangers, well, they are trying to do something, but I don't know what'... 'Rangers, like an American Football team, are gradually working their way up the pitch'... 'Roy Keane is commanding in the midfield'... 'It amazes me how this team is in the next stages of the Champions League and a team like Manchester United are not!'... 'Celtic have now gone 13 points clear of Hearts and can be sure of the title this time. They gifted the title last season, but on today's performance don't look to be giving anything away'.

Toodloo the Noo

EARWIG

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