we hear that...

buy it now.. before it's too late!

Football club chairmen throughout the length and breadth of Europe who regularly look for bargains on auction website e-bay had the chance a few weeks ago to grab themselves the deal of a lifetime as the posting below appeared the week before the last Celtic v Rangers league game.

Who could possibly resist a 'slightly damaged football club manager' with a pedigree like this:

 

Unfortunately we don't know if the Eckmeister ever raised the 'buy it now' price of ten million quid, but the seller must have been kept busy during November answering the raft of enquiries which must have been flooding his e-mail inbox. I couldn't possibly relate them all, so here are the edited highlights:

Q: Is it true he's signed a Chinese defender called Win Wan Soon?
A: Also linked with won hee haw who will be on trial before the end of the season I'm led to believe

Q: What happens if he gets lost in the post? He seems to have got lost everywhere else this season and has a lost look on his face?
A: I'll stick a post it on him with a return address just in case.

Q: Does this model sing, because I bought a defective Donald Findlay from the same club and he just wouldn't stop.
A: Yes... Simply Depressed

Q: Will he consider ladies football as he's used to handling diddies???
A: Maybe

Q: Ginger doesn't really go with my colour scheme, can this item be whitewashed?
A: Has been done in the past

Q: How long is it guaranteed for? 3 games or more?
A: No warranty... He could go at any time.

Q: I need a man who will work and work, not a 9-5 man. He looks a bit of a clock watcher. I bet he's off for his bus as soon as the whistle goes. Am I right? The truth now.
A: Alright you've got me!

Q: Is it true that the item has a bad back as well? Or even two?
A: And two bad centre halves as well.

Q: Ma wife's dishwasher just broke doon. Does he do dishes and is there any warranty?
A: Once this jobs gone he'll do anything to repair his dignity.

Q: I wouldn't trust this seller, he sold me Namouchi, Emerson, Capucho and Ostenstad - all of which turned out to not as described in the advert.
A: I tried to talk you out of the others but you wouldn't listen.

Q: It's fairly obvious we're looking at damaged goods here but I'm concerned about his health - Is it true that he has a bad side?
A: It could be fatal.

Q: Does this packaging come watertight or full of holes like his defence?
A: Will be wrapped with dignity... quality cannot be guaranteed.

Q: Is there a penalty clause if purchased?
A: This item guarantees a penalty within 90 minutes of purchase.

Q: Hi does this item come with that guy from the movie The Hills Have Eyes often seen hanging around in the background nodding trying to pretend he knows what he's doing?
A: Yes I believe he may.

Q: Does it come complete with a bald-headed Scottish journalist inserted in its alimentary passage?
A: This has yet to be established but from past viewings there may be more than one Journalist in there.

Q: Is there a possibility of delaying sale until after Sat 19th November?
A: Item will be shipped the next working day after sale ends - this would be 21st November, delayed shipping is possible this will allow item to be used as Santa in a department store.

Q: I would normally see this sort of sale as a piss take but due to their lowly league position and the fact that they can't kick their own arses... Do you really have this item for sale?
A: You never know

Alas, the banter proved all too much for some of the Orcs and our intrepid seller was forced to deal with some truculent potential customers. To be fair, he was able to respond to their queries with a remarkable degree of sang froid:

Q: No surrender!
A: No Defenders

Q: Will all you Tims still be making fun of Big Eck when Rangers beat Celtic on Saturday, qualify for the second stage of the Champions League, win the Scottish Cup and the SPL?
A: Then your alarm went off and your mum told you to get out of bed for school... wear armoured pants tomorrow, its gonna hurt.

It's magic you know

Never mind Magic Zurawski. We hear that Shunsuke Nakamura's nickname in Japan translates as ' The Magic Mushroom'.

Merry Christmas to all my readers... both Sid and Doris Bonkers.

Toodloo the Noo

EARWIG

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