we hear that...

pasta my arse

Following our latest league win (6 in the last five years) at Snake Mountain, Earwig partied in two popular Govanhill hostelries, prior to repairing to his favourite West End Italian eaterie at around 8.30pm. Much to my delight, I was allocated table 12. A nervous owner advised me that (appropriately) Table 13 was about to be shortly occupied by none other than 'Big Feck'.

Sure enough, the pasty-faced and wearily smiling media favourite did his best to avoid the 'humble pie' and 'hard cheese' comments from friendly foes surrounding him. The icing on the cake (or duck l'orange) arrived when stone-faced relegation-haunted Dickie Gough slunk in to join in the revellery!

Broxi's 'Bonanza'

Twice a season some hapless former Ibrox 'Legend' (Nigel Spackman, Terry Hurlock, or in the latest humping, Stuartie McCall) has to brave the catcalls of the massed Celtic support to make (Govan's biggest) match-day half-time draw for a life-changing £1500.

'What would you do if you with this windfall?' must be the dream of so many of the Subway Loyal - 'a one way ticket for Bob Malcolm to Nepal' for example..

tannoys against bigotry

When Rangers claimed (with an earnest voice and a serious face) to be doing their bit to tackle bigotry at Ibrox, one of their claims included the broadcast of an anti-sectarian message on match-days. When pressed on this by disbelieving journos, a spokesman admitted that this Club Message was laughably broadcast a full 'hour and a half before kick-off...'.

Presumably to five pigeons, an Ambulance man and the Peperami delivery van man (shortly before he removed all stock).

how green was my tally?

With the General Election in full swing, bearded sandal-wearing tree-huggers in some key seats have seen their 'Vote Green' posters mysteriously disappear overnight in Hamilton, Airdrie and Kinning Park. Who are these mystery thieves? And who would be brave enough to go round Larkhall with a Green rosette on at night - Jean Claude Van Damme, Hulk Hogan or Chic Charnley??

election difficulties

On the subject of the fast approaching General Election, like the devoted readers of my column (Sid and Doris Bonkers), my thoughts can't help but turn not to the battle between Blair and Howard but to the white hot political cauldron of the Yarmouth North local council election of 1995. Who could possibly forget it? (All of us - Ed). In the red (should that be green?) corner standing for the Labour Party was Roger Timms, while facing him in the blue corner for the Tories was Ken Hunn. As a stalking horse, and just to complicate matters for Celtic-minded constituents in Norfolk, there was Danny McGrain's doppelganger Peter Dye, although further confusion no doubt arose when voters learned that Mr. Hunn was 'a member of the Yarmouth lions Club', which sounds a bit like the local CSC. Ken Hunn's policy on completely banning savoury snacks in green wrappers from shops in the Norfolk area proved so unpopular with the electorate that he was soundly thrashed by the Timms.

shake on it

Have you read January's issue of Masonic Quarterly yet? What do you mean you don't know where to buy it?? MQ (not to be confused with GQ, a magazine with a slightly different agenda) has appeared in this mag before, when it featured Rangers supporting 'comedian' Jim 'Nick Nick' Davidson on its front cover. Apparently Jim is that rarest of things, a masonic comedian, although I'm not sure if it's a concept that has a great deal of mileage in it: 'Knock knock'. Ò
' Go away'.

Or, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' Ò
' I'm sorry, if I tell you the answer I might find myself dangling from Blackfriars Bridge on a noose made of barbed wire with my pockets stuffed full of bricks and my tongue cut out and sellotaped to the front cover of this month's issue of Masonic Quarterly.'

Anyway, lots of good reading in the January issue (as well as some cracking pictures in the 'Mason's Wives' section - aprons off and everything!) including an article on King George the Third's masonic sons and 'the masonic career of Lord Kitchener', but my attention was drawn to an article on page 40 about, 'Masonic cup final referees'.

I believe it records the exploits of the assorted knuckle crunchers who have graced the turf at Wembley's showpiece occasion. Thank goodness it would never be allowed to happen at Hampden.

one for the future

Good to see that Murray Park is at last beginning to bear fruit and that the youngsters coming through under the influence of the real big players. Mind you, you have to wonder who (or what) was influencing Jordan McMillan (the sight of crates full of Peperami in green wrappers maybe?) who was sent off three times in the one game as the St. Mirren youth team managed to avoid serious injury to come from 3:1 down to win 4:3 in the youth cup.

Rangers eventually finished with 9 men and we hear that the dressing room door was nearly kicked off its hinges. Good start for manager wee Durranty. role model What these kids need is somebody to take them in hand and teach them some self-discipline.

Someone like gansta rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg, perhaps, pictured below leaving Radio 1 after an appearance on a radio show.

In case you're wondering whether he's just sporting the Hoops as a fashion accessory, he was asked during his interview if it was a rugby top he was wearing but was quick to point out that it was, in fact, a Celtic jersey.

Toodloo the Noo (and increase the peace)

THE EARWIG

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