we hear that...

spot the loonies

What we have always suspected about the huns appears to have been confirmed by a report in the Scotsman (September 10th) which reveals that a study conducted by a team of psychologists has concluded that supporting Glasgow Rangers can seriously damage your mental health and bring on bouts of paranoia.

Apparently the shrinks identified a series of mental disorders currently afflicting supporters of Rangers, ranging from depression to an aversion to human contact, following seven straight defeats by Celtic. The research team from Staffordshire University conducted the study from a sample of 180 Old Firm supporters, who were asked to record any physical or mental health problems they experienced in the days immediately following Old Firm games. Team leader Dr. David Sheffield, also concluded that Rangers fans were more prone to heart attacks (especially when Maurice Ross is playing in defence?), headaches and insomnia as a result of Celtic's recent dominance in Old Firm fixtures.

Another academic, Dr Sheffield, a senior lecturer in biological psychology, said he had also been trying to gauge the reaction of Celtic supporters to an Old Firm defeat as part of the study, but - in an uncanny similarity to that old joke about the man in the pub with the dog that goes mental when Celtic score a goal against Rangers - so far he hadn't been able to. He's hoping that his five year old son following in his footsteps may eventually find this out.

He said: 'The seriousness of the physical symptoms suffered by some Rangers fans after losing to Celtic was really quite startling. They reported being irritable and anxious, they struggled to sleep properly and were far more likely to suffer headaches than Celtic fans. Many Rangers fans were also found to be extremely withdrawn after they lost to Celtic, and tended to avoid human contact. But there is a much wider issue here, which is that many of these Rangers fans are suffering from fairly serious anti-social conditions as a direct result of their team's poor performances. They would therefore presumably not be very nice people to have to live or work with.'

The research, however, also revealed that stress levels among Celtic fans were virtually non-existent due to a 'feel good factor' brought on by total dominance of the league and some excellent performances in Europe, including the UEFA Cup final and the accolade of 'Greatest fans in the world', made official by awards from both FIFA and UEFA.

John McMillan, the secretary of the Rangers Supporters' Association, said he could identify with some of the research results, particularly waking up naked in the middle of the night clutching a large knife (Are beach balls part of this bad dream? Psychology-dabbling Ed).

He is quoted in the article as saying: 'I'm sure many Rangers fans will associate with wanting to avoid human contact, so we just seek out each other'.

Cue Tina and her smash Ibrox hit, 'We're clinically depressed/ sadder than all the rest...'

pure quality heavy buzz... by the way

The following story most probably belongs in the realm of apocrypha, although I am assured by my loyal reader (Sid Bonkers) that it is true.

The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD) AD:You say you went to your friend's house that night. Why did you go there?Ó
WITNESS: Tae get a tap.
AD: Is your friend a plumber?Ó
WITNESS:Naw.Ó
AD:Are you a plumber?Ó
WITNESS: Naw.

The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money. Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.

AD: So you went to the house to borrow money?Ó
WITNESS: Naw.Ó
AD: Ah. You went to the house to lend money?Ó
WITNESS: Naw.

In exasperation the AD says, 'You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?

WITNESS: A Rangers tap.

Toodloo the noo
THE EARWIG

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