we hear that...

game on

How many of my loyal readers out there, either Sid or Doris Bonkers, think that they could do a better job of running Celtic than Martin O'Neill? Yes, I thought not. Not even Doris, who really is bonkers.

A survey conducted a couple of months ago by the makers of the football management sim game 'LMA Manager' revealed the same thing, with 100% of the Celtic fans questioned conceding that MON is the Man. By contrast, 51% of the Huns reckon that they could do a better job of signing players, picking tactics and motivating Portuguese scarecrows than the Eckstraterrestrial. The key findings of the UK-wide survey of 1,116 fans survey, conducted by the game's publisher, Codemasters, were as follows:
* Player wages were the biggest issue with 80% of Celtic fans and 60% of Rangers fans saying that player salaries should be capped, against a UK-wide result of 69%. 77% of Liverpool fans voted for a salary cap as did 98% of Tottenham fans.

* Discipline was also a key issue, with 92% of Rangers fans but only 21% of Celtic fans favouring the hairdryer treatment or 'kicking a boot at the centre half' over the gentler 'putting your arm round the player' method. 54% of Liverpool fans would take the boot-kicking route as would 50% of Newcastle United fans with a British average of 46%

* Half of Rangers fans questioned (51%) said they could manage the side better than the current incumbent, but 100% of Celtic respondents said that their team was better off with the status quo

* Whilst Alex Ferguson was the unanimous choice for Rangers 'fantasy' manager, Celtic fans would rather have I'm a Celebrity... star Jordan (44% to 32%) and would even consider The Office's Ricky Gervais first (29%).

* Whilst Rangers fans listed Passion, Commitment and Determination as the three key attributes of a top manager, Celtic fans went for Passion, Commitment and Motivational skills.

'Managing their team on a games console with LMA Manager 2004 is the closest many fans will come to actual management,' said Paul Nugent from the game's publisher Codemasters, 'They can plan tactics, watch the match and buy and sell players, but unfortunately we don't yet have the technology that lets them kick a boot at a player's head or select Jordan for the starting eleven.' It isn't clear from Nugent's interview whether Codemasters have plans to include some of the managerial eccentricities currently being pioneered by the cat in the Hat, such as attempting to re-establish dressing room harmony by signing a Serb and a Croat or banning the entire first team squad from bevvy, dirty women and, er, golf.

tables free

Speaking of the Rangers first team squad - what's left of it - weren't you more than a little upset towards the end of last season when the news leaked out that Death Star bosses failed to sell out their annual Player of the Year Dance, aka The Nuremberg Rally With Pies. Maybe the plethora of free spaces might have had something to do with the timing of the event, which was staged at the Hilton hotel - just hours after Celtic were presented with the SPL title. A Rangers spokesman said 'We had a few tables left. There is nothing further to say.'

We hear there is no truth in the rumour that as a desperate cash-raising venture the tables were being offered on auction site e-bay - the winner getting free postage and packing thrown in. No reserve. Bidding starts at £1.00.

flog it!

On the subject of bidding, the SPFA hosted a convivial gathering on the eve of the Cup Final to raise funds for ex-player Andy Ritchie. An auction of football jerseys donated by, among others, Old Firm stars helped boost the coffers somewhat, with the Celtic tops of Joos Valgaeren and Jackie McNamara raising a few hundred quid apiece. First lot up for grabs, though, was a Rangers top which once adorned the forlorn figure of Michael Mols. Bidding started at a somewhat disingenuous 75 (pence that is - I kid you not) and finally peaked at a somewhat embarrassing thirty pounds. The Ronald de Boer strip fared little better. I fear this is a moneymaking scheme that Martin Bain and Alfred Hitchcock should put on the back burner as a means of reducing the cash-strapped Kinning park club's horrendous debt mountain.

so long emerson

Friend and fellow nightclub habitue of Nuno 'Jiggy Jiggy' Capucho, Brazilian Samba Star turned overnight floppy dud Emerson was given a handshake by his Ibrox employers at the end of the season to be cast adrift as a free agent. Anyway, we hear that he dropped in to a well known easterly watering hole the night after a Celtic home game, just as the pub was giving it big licks with the Celtic songs. As he walked in with a girlfriend he was spotted right away and the fans started chanting his name. (and pissing themselves laughing). He didn't realise it was a Celtic pub. Emerson was saying that he was worried being in a Celtic bar in full voice/party mood but was nonetheless smiling and happy that people were talking away to him. The owner played 'Walk On' and started to speak to him about the Beautiful Game in general.

Asked why McLeish didn't play him Emerson replied that he didn't know, but the best bit was when he was asked his thoughts on big Eck. The conversation went something like: 'I can't really say anything.'
'He's a prick isn't he?'
Loads of nodding of the head and a big smile!

Toodloo the noo
THE EARWIG

back to top