we hear that...

when the duck hits the fan

Celtic fans in Villareal might not have been over chuffed by the performance, or the result, but they certainly enjoyed the 5000-person-sized Paella and the Party proved to be a hit with most of the bhoys and ghirls there.

Sadly, burly Edinburgh optician (and self-styled 'boss-from-hell') Chris O'Neill had a rather less agreeable experience. The 17-stone goggle-meister was enjoying unfeasibly large mouthfuls of the tasty dish, when one particular morsel proved chewier than most. This turned out to be a fully-cooked duckling head. When spat out, the beak (almost intact) opened, and a tongue uncurled.

A heavily sweating (and it has to be said, stricken and recumbent) Chris recuperated later at Valencia Airport, but is happily now fully recovered. Echoes of last season were fresh in the mind as fellow fan Tony Hamill observed, 'He was chewin' the bill, while we're in Seville'.

Rugby Park - Party Pooper Scoopers

While some irresponsible hooped motorists heading for the A77 cheerily and noisily honked their horns while leaving the title-winning party, some grim-faced huns were spotted walking their cuddly pooches (frothing-mouthed Dobermanns and Oliver Twist 'Bullseye' dogs) in the wastelands around Kilmarnock. The observation about owners and dugs looking alike sprang to mind.

Mind you, if I was a mutt being taken for a walk by one of these hooded eyed, hamster-cheeked and brooding Tommy Mclean lookalikes, my paws would be reaching for a Killie Pie, or something equally life-threatening.

life's a beach

We hear that several of the Bhoys were cheekily phoning Ibrox stadium the Monday after our most recent visit to Mordor in order to ask politely if it would be possible to have their beach balls returned - the ones they had accidentally let slip out of their hands in the high wind and which had meandered onto the hallowed pitch.

Having witnessed the relish with which the Death Star groundstaff set about slashing said beach accoutrements (Ted Bundy meets Al Bundy) and the difficulty of identifying one's own beach ball among thousands this would, naturally, be problematic, but it was a good wind up nonetheless, one that was met with the expected degree of good humour by employees of TFOD.

One particular fan phoned up and got as far as saying 'I've lost...' when the phone was promptly hung up on him. Getting through again a few minutes later, he rightly pointed out to the voice at the other end that his previous treatment had been somewhat unfair as he could have been a genuine Bear who had lost his keys or wallet and that this wasn't very good customer service.

The ensuing conversation has been passed on to your humble correspondent to preserve for posterity, although I suspect it belongs more in the realms of apocrypha than historical record.. It went something like this:

CELT: So, I'm phoning to see if you found a set of keys yesterday. HUN EMPLOYEE: Where were you sitting pal?
C: Broomloan Road ,section BR1 row O.
HE: What do they look like?
C: Well, they're attached to a huge green and white beach ball...

Miller-time (a lock in?)

Could Liam Miller be staying with us on loan from Man U next season? Martin O'Neill apparently hinted at this during a radio interview, realized what he'd said, and changed the subject rapidly.

Age shall not Wither them

Broadcasting to the nation from his Edinburgh bunker in October, doubtless resplendent in a blue pinstripe shirt, with white collar, the Honorary Chairman, with a steely look in his eye, pronounced, 'We won't be signing over-the-hill players looking for a nest-egg at Ibrox any more'.

The De Bore twins, Egil 'The Traffic Cone' Ostenstad, Henning about-as-mobile-as-an-Ice Berg and Alex Rae (35 next birthday) will toast that! (probably with Horlicks or Cadbury's Cocoa....)

Death Star season tickets - missing in action

The date for renewals for Mordor season tickets was announced as 3rd May. You can pay in instalments, like ourselves. How many disgruntled follow-followers failed to stump up the fourth quarter payment for this season? Earwig's information is that somewhere around 1,800 loyal bluenoses either forgot to stump up the cash, post their cheques or were unable to take their seats for other reasons (maybe they'd gone back to watch the Juniors, or the golf clubs had come out early....a la pre-Souness)

set to swoop news

With speculation about who will be the next Bosman to arrive at the foot of the marble staircase ganking to top up his retirement pension plan, Rangers have apparently been linked in some quarters with RKC Waalwijk midfielder Said Boutahar (as a replacement for the Barbie doll who will shortly be stomping off in a huff - not because he doesn't love the Huns but because his glamorous Spanish model girlfriend wants to further her own television and catwalk career in her native country... according to the Flat Earth Society that is).

Waalwijk technical director Marcel Brands told The Herald newspaper: 'I have heard of Rangers' interest in him and there is nothing we can do to stop it. He is a classic number 10. In terms of style, the closest comparison I can think of is Bobby Petta.' Excellent news.

And with Henrik having sold his house on the outskirts of Glasgow taken as a sign of his impending departure, we can only assume that mad Fernando will soon be off now that he has sold his pet parrot. 'He became a nightmare in the end. He was really noisy and kept me up all night with his banging.' Said the parrot.

Toodloo the noo
THE EARWIG

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