we hear that...

true story

While my loyal readers (Sid and Doris Bonkers) may occasionally call into question the veracity of some of the titbits that appear on Earwig's pages, this, I assure you (both) is a true story.

Pre-Christmas a baseball-hatted, tracksuit-wearing adult woman approached a manager in a well known Glasgow City Centre Bookstore. The ensuing conversation went something like this: Customer: Have you got any books on conspiracy theories? Manager of Bookstore: Certainly. Do you mean about JFK, or Marilyn Monroe?
C: No, about Hitler.
MOB: Right. We have many books about him.
C: Are they all anti-Hitler?
MOB: (Slightly taken aback) Well they're all pretty critical of him - except one, 'Mein Kampf'. It costs £20 of which 80% of the proceeds go to the Simon Wiesenthal Foundation.
C: So, that's pro-Hitler, then?
MOB: (still slightly incredulous) Yes, it was written by him personally.
C: I'll take that then. It's for my man's birthday. It was either that or anything about Rangers.

Poster-Man Pat?
Spare a thought in these troubled times of Scottish Football's financial meltdown for the dwindling numbers of executive Huns who cough up £7 for the privilege of using the Albion Car Park on matchdays. Truly they have endured much misery in recent years. The reason? Not only have they had to watch the likes of Nuno and Emerson, they've also been exposed to some excruciatingly painful adverts, courtesy of the giant billboard which looms over them.

In the past few months it has featured an interesting array of posters, including last summer's hit movie, 'Resident Evil', an AA Advert with the strapline 'A bit Short?', the Henrik Larsson Playstation ad and, most recently, a puff for Lombard Easy Loan featuring a cheery blue cartoon phone and the caption- 'Struggling to make ends meet?'

Bill Poster 2
Evening Times billboard hoarding on the morning of the January Old Firm game trumpeted debutant Gavin Rae's first chance to engage 'the enemy' with the headline 'GAVIN'S TEN YEAR WAIT IS OVER' - yes, it was, for 34 minutes.

Hullo, can I speak to Derek Johnstone please?
Radio Clyde 2's nightly moan-in for simply depressed Huns (usually wheezing, with ill-fitting teeth, and speaking from rooms containing noisy whistling budgies) regularly features adverts for 'Breathing Space', a 'Samaritans-style' phone-in service for the... er... simply depressed. Could this be sheer coincidence?

Tannoy-s them up!
Played over the public address system at East End Park in December with the half-time score standing at Dunfermline 1 Rangers 0 were the following numbers: Simply Red 'Money's too tight to mention', something by Demis Roussos in honour of Panathinaikos, and finally the 80's Madness classic 'Embarrassment'.

The Final Straw
After the howls of angry complaints generated by the appearance of green and white hooped straws at Castle Greyskull, moves are afoot to remove all evidence of Cheesy Doritos (a cheesy Mediterranean number which could remind grumbling standites of ex-FC Porto phenomenon Nuno Capucho), and 100% Mince Pies (take your pick from Ostenstad, Emerson, Boab Malcolm, Maurice Dross, or Michael 'Behind the Piles' Mols.

Let's Be Frank
As ageing 'Dutch of Class' veteran Frank The Bore hobbled into Ibrox to top up his pension fund, a thought occurred... If we had signed a convicted drug-cheat (banned for a year by FIFA in 2001 - reduced to 3 months on appeal), do you think the tabloids would let it pass without comment? 'New Celts Dope Shame' etc. And, surprise, surprise ex-Airdrie, Rangers and Hearts battering-ram (sorry, striker) 'neutral' summariser Sandy Clark nominated said Frank 'Man of the Match' for the BBC TV live game against Partick Thistle at Firhill, actually nominating him for the award during the warm-up.

The unappetizing sight of a salivating Chick Young sandwiched between the two De Bores post-match clutching a bottle of champagne for Frank must have reminded some viewers of a scene from TV's 'I'm a Celebrity get me out here', featuring Peter Andre and Jordan. Chick and the twins - a charmless unfunny saddo sandwiched between two massive overpriced diddies.

film 2004
No doubt anyone out there who takes a passing interest in the movies will be aware that product placement in Hollywood blockbusters rakes in lots of advertising revenue for the producers, but has anybody noticed the growing inclusion of Celtic-related items.

For example, watch the film 3 Blind Mice and spot the bloke with the Celtic top on in the park. And speaking of tops, are you trying to tell me that's not the 90s hoops in the window of the shop which sells the Nimbus 2000 when Harry Potter visits Diagon Alley with Hagrid in 'The Philosopher's Stone?'

The Fields can be heard at the end of 'Veronica Guerin' and in Dead Poet's Society (listen to the lone piper on the pier) while at the end of American Pie 3 you'll hear a chant of 'Erin Go Bragh'.

Recommend them to any huns you may know and let me know of any more.

Toodloo the Noo

EARWIG

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