we hear that...

final straw

They might be having a troubled season so far, but at least this story from the News of the Screws (December 7th) shows that the Ibrox faithful still have their priorities right.

Nearly £70 million in debt, humiliated in Europe yet again, their bitter rivals cantering away with the league while earning plaudits all across the continent from the likes of Franz Beckenbauer and what are they getting their Andy Goram replica ladies knickers in a twist about? Apparently David Murray's catering company has provided them with green and white drinking straws.

Now, to you and me, the thought of drinking our over-priced carbonated tooth-rotting cola - as dutifully purchased from the club's official retail outlets ('Use the heid - beat the stampede - miss a goal') - through a blue and white straw would cause not the slightest blink of an eye. But at the Death Star the use of straws of a proscribed colour seems to have had the kind of effect you might get if Count Dracula were to sook up holy water through a hollow crucifix.

Apparently, under normal circumstances the green straws are removed from the boxes before the catering outlets open for business, leaving only those straws deemed an acceptable colour. In fact a spokesman for Murray's catering company told the Screws reporter that, 'A helluva lot of time and trouble goes into weeding out straws.' Which will come as a comfort to shareholders to know that time and money are not being wasted.

However, at the St. Johnstone CIS Cup tie there was a shortage of straws so they left the green ones in. Result? 'As terrified staff took cover, fans hit the roof and threatened to tear up their season tickets... All hell broke loose - people were throwing drinks back in the staff's faces... People were foaming at the mouth.'

Club bosses have reportedly issued an apology and assured them that it won't happen again - which in its own Pythonesque way is even worse.

gong tomorrow

A leaked memo from a committee formed to recommend worthy candidates for gongs in the New Year's Honours list has revealed that civil servants tried to trade one recipient for another just to make sure both sides of the Old Firm were represented.

In an article in The Scotsman (December 15th) political editor Hamish MacDonnell reveals that among those recommended for an honour was a representative of Celtic. Although the person was not specified, speculation ruled out Bobby Petta in favour of the more likely Martin O'Neill.

According to a secret memo the committee were so fearful of inflaming certain West of Scotland sensibilities that they 'tried and failed to find a member of Rangers Football Club to get an honour to match one being awarded to Celtic'.

Personally, I think this is scandalous and in order to keep everybody happy I would like to nominate Paolo Vanoli for an OGE.

serious undertaking

Speaking of Paolo Vanoli, does his consummate and clinical finish at East End Park really sound the death knell for the Huns' hopes of retaining the SPL title? If so, perhaps Ibrox retail director Nick Peel might care to resurrect an idea which was flagged up to him some time ago by an undertaker who was offering patrons of the Death Star the chance to cross over to the spirit world in the comfort of their very own Rangers coffin.

Peel told the Scotland on Sunday that, 'We were approached by an undertaker in the West of Scotland who asked if they could put Rangers tartan on the inside of the coffin and the crest on the top. We rejected it because we didn't think it appropriate.'

Apparently Rangers have also been asked to officially endorse dozens of products, including cigarettes (could be a lucrative tie-in with the coffin manufacturers there), toilet seats, toothpaste, plasterboard, hearing aids (in case all that booing at the end of European matches impairs your hearing), contact lenses (take them out and you'll think Nuno Capucho is brilliant) and condoms. I'm sure my devoted reader might be able to come up with a few suggestions that we could pitch to Mr. Peel? (Please, not the Pampers gag)

big club

As readers will be aware, Peel is also very active when it comes to closing down pirates who sell unofficial gear, especially in places like Thailand. However there are one or two rogue traders till active in the far east, and, being on holiday in Bangkok, my devoted reader was drawn to one of their stalls which was purveying football shirts.

In amongst the Real Madrids and the Manchester Uniteds he was pleased to see the Hoops. Less than pleased was his blue nosed companion. 'Any Rangers taps?' was the question.

'Only big teams, only big teams', was the impatient reply as he was shooed away.

 

Toodloo the Noo

EARWIG

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