we hear that...

marsh gas

What a stooshie after Henrik Larsson was booked for diving by referee Iain Brines. Still, all of us here at NTV Mansions are prepared to accept that the refs call it how they see it and often have difficult decisions to make. When Terry Butcher comes out after the match and says he thought it was a penalty as well and was waiting for Gordon Marshall to get the red card it means the ref is in a minority of one, but still... an honest mistake eh?

At least big Marshall was making supportive noises the next day. 'This time the decision went in my favour. I was actually sent off for Celtic against Motherwell in a similar situation when I made no contact so it works both ways'.

That's right Gordon. It works both ways and it evens out over the season. He gets sent off when playing for Celtic but not against Celtic. Funny that.

mental as anything

'I don't know what it is with me,' Rangers' Fernando Ricksen told the Daily Record last week, 'wherever I go there always seems to be bloody trouble.'

Indeed there has - these are just the most recent highlights: punched a neighbour after the old fella complained about the Dutch loony setting off fireworks in his garden at five in the morning ('I was surrounded by a mountain of old age pensioners', said Ricksen, 'they are in bed by eleven o'clock and start moaning and ringing the police'); when confronted by his elderly neighbour politely asking him to turn it in, Ricksen replied, 'You know what will happen if you don't go home - I know where you live', which considering the old chap lived next door was pretty astute on FR's part; his relationship with his wife Graciela was placed under considerable strain after he brought home a lap-dancer and spent the evening bouncing with her on a trampoline in the garden - as you do; he was dropped from the Dutch national team for breaking down a hotel room door in Belarus last June after he'd lost his key; he was accused of being so drunk that night that he drank the contents of a huge vase of flowers in the hotel lobby ('That was exaggerated. Let's face it, tap water in Belarus isn't all that great. Do you really think I would drink a bloody flower vase of water?').

Then there was a one-year ban for drink-driving and a five-game ban for a karate kick on Aberdeen's Darren Young ('he needed straightening out'). On the Huns' trip to Athens he pushed a man into a hotel swimming pool for a laugh, and then discovered the man was, in fact, Rangers chairman John McClelland. He had to jump in to haul him out after McClelland got in to difficulties - for once they weren't of the financial variety. By then the chairman's £12,000 Cartier watch was ruined, as was his digital camera and mobile phone.

Despite all these 'setbacks' the player remains unrepentant: 'I don't give a monkey's - I am Fernando Ricksen and I do what I want.'

Still, it was nice to read in the Sunday mail that Ricksen was making moves to ensure that his stormy relationship with Graciela is back on by taking her out to dinner. Has he discovered he can't live without her? No. He has 'Graciela' tattooed on his arm! 'It would be hard to find another girl with a name like that,' he admitted.

On Thursday October 9th Ricksen was fined £7,000 at Paisley Sheriff Court for the fireworks incident and his manager assured the press he had had stern words with his wayward star who would, from now on, behave himself like a model professional.

Two days later he was on the front page of the Record again after he left a hotel at eight in the morning having spent the evening entertaining Jordan at a Glasgow lap-dancing bar (Graciela was out of town). According to the Record, Ricksen and his large breasted partner were being entertained by a Hungarian lap dancer called Carmen, who said that while she was performing her dance routine Ricksen sat open-mouthed. She seems to have been unaware that this is Ricksen's usual expression.

Carmen also revealed that 'Fernando is a gentleman who gave me a big tip.' No doubt Jordan was hoping for the same when she agreed to take the drooling Rangers player - who by now sounds as if he was like a dog straining on a leash - back to her hotel room.

Spotted leaving the place the next morning, an onlooker said 'It's not every day you see one of the SPL's top footballers snuggling up with Britain's top glamour model', neglecting to mention that he or she still hadn't seen that particular scenario.

Another anonymous person (me) said, 'It's amazing. Wherever they go together there will always be three big tits sitting at the table.'

the return of dick

Just a thought, but if Scotland want to qualify for the European Championships by beating Dick Advocaat's Holland why don't they appoint MON as manager for these two games?

Ach, please yerselves.

Toodloo the Noo

EARWIG

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